Down the rabbit hole

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead

~~ "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane

I recently got into a brief discussion with someone when Ken brought up the subject of Alex Jones and his ban from several social media sites. (I told Ken later, "I can't punch you because you have cancer!")

I said that I thought the final straw was Jones saying that Sandy Hook was a hoax. The response was, "He didn't say that." 

I was a little taken aback and said, "Yes, he did." 

The response to that was, "There's a lot of misinformation out there. Find a clip where he said that and send it to me."

So I found the clip where he said it. Audio AND video.

And I sent it. 

Six days later, I got a response:

To all my friends and family, 
When it comes to our views on politics and religion, they are wide and varied, yet I believe we can find common ground in the bedrock of our First Amendment. We must support the right of all voices to be heard, or we will all be silenced. Please contact your government representatives urging them to reject censorship and uphold free speech. 
Respectfully, XXXXXX

That is some pure-D bullshit right there. I'm pissed. Let's break it down.

First, it was sent to only two of us. Hardly "all my friends and family." 

Second, Jones's comments were on social media sites, which have terms of use. If you violate those terms, these companies have every right to ban you from their site. 

Third, nobody is silencing Alex Jones. He still has a website and I guess he still has a radio show. I really don't know because he is not someone I pay close attention to because he is a fucking LUNATIC. This is not a censorship issue, it's an issue of hate speech, slander, fraud, and abuse of various social media platforms. 

Fourth, this Jones asshole said that the parents who lost children in a school shooting at Sandy Hook were ACTORS. That they faked their children's deaths. This is vile, unconscionable, and there is absolutely no defense of it. If you're defending this, I question both your morality and your sanity. 

Finally, this person should have had the guts to address me directly. Even if they couldn't do it in person, they should have had the decency to use my goddamn NAME in their response. My email with the video was not an attack in any way. I was kind, respectful, and loving. I was challenged to find a clip of Jones saying that Sandy Hook was a hoax because this person said, "He never said that." I found the clip and sent it to them and I got this shitty, generic response. 

No, I cannot and will not cut ties with this person for various reasons. But I have lost respect for them when it comes to this sort of thing. This showed me that they are in complete denial and will not accept any refutation of their worldview and narrative. I wrote recently that I was done trying to argue with supporters of the "president." This experience reinforces that. I attempted this outreach in good faith and this is what I got. It's not just a matter of not wanting to waste my time or energy. 

It's also that anyone who sends an email like this in response to my proof isn't worthy of debating me. 

Movie time!

No Trump!
No KKK!
No fascist USA!

~~ Green Day chant

I don't write movie reviews very often because I'm more of a "do your own thing" kind of person. People like different things. 

But every once in a while a movie comes along that I think is so good, so clever, so powerful, or some combination of all of those things that I want to write a little bit about it and about why I recommend it so highly. 

"BlacKkKlansman" is one of those movies. We just got back from it and I'm still thinking about it and still processing my emotions. You've probably heard about the storyline because the movie has been getting a lot of buzz. A black cop begins a dialogue with the local chapter of the KKK and a fellow cop (a white guy) impersonates him to infiltrate the group. Sounds kind of implausible but it's a true story! Don't worry, no spoilers ahead. 

It was directed perfectly by Spike Lee, all of the actors were great (including a local kid-made-good, Adam Driver), and the storyline, set in 1979, resonates powerfully in today's atmosphere of divisiveness and racism. 

There are some very tense and uncomfortable moments. The racism made me feel ill. If someone had turned on the lights and looked at my face, I'm sure I had a look of disgust several times. 

There are also some laugh out loud moments. Thank you, Mr. Lee, for breaking the tension once in a while! The sly references to the orange creature occupying our White House were funny but also made me feel sad. Who would ever have thought that we'd reach this point? There is also a lovely dance scene in a club that brought a tear to my eye. It was just beautiful.

There is some good, suspenseful action-type stuff, but I won't say any more about that. We definitely get some satisfaction but it is short-lived as we are reminded in a very sobering, powerful way of what is happening in our world right now. Especially this weekend's sad one-year anniversary of the white power march in Charlottesville, Virginia. I read that Spike Lee purposely released it this weekend and I think that was a good move.

The theater was silent as the movie ended. 

It is a very powerful movie that has plenty to say. It's a message that we need to hear. And you know what? It made me feel determined. When I hear some racist white (or orange) A-hole say, "We're taking our country back," I think, "It's my country, too, motherfucker, and you're not getting it. Not without a fight." 

A great movie. You should go see it.

Politics, like rust, never sleeps

East is West, left is right
Up is down, and black is white
Inside-out, wrong is right
It's back to front and I'm all uptight

~~ "Back To Front" by The Kinks

All is well on the homefront. Ken continues to do well with his treatment and is feeling good. So it's time for a political post! I might not be as obsessive consumed as I usually am but politics ain't beanbag and politics never sleeps. 

The constant news cycle is exhausting and I have to step away at points. This week has been particularly exhausting as the "president" ramps up his attacks on Mueller and his investigation. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that a certain orange toddler is a wee bit scared! And well he should be. 

While I continue to read my political newsfeed and keep up with what is happening, I have come to a conclusion on a related matter. I'm done debating with Yampeople. Finished. I just won't do it anymore. It's a futile effort. 

This was actually a hard conclusion to come to. I feel okay about saying that I pride myself on putting forward a cogent and often convincing argument when it comes to debating things. I can be passionate and persuasive and fiery when I need to be. But this attitude towards debates assumes that the person is operating from the same place as I am—one of objective truth and verifiable facts. It has become increasingly obvious that his supporters and I are not in that same place. Hell, I sometimes wonder if we're on the same planet. 

This decision came about because of a recent CBS poll that showed that the "president's" supporters trust him for their truths over friends and family and certainly over the media. By a huge margin. So that's that. If I state a verifiable statistic and they say, "I don't believe you," we are done. I don't make this shit up and I don't just pull stuff out of my ass. If you are coming from a place where you refuse to believe something that is a verifiable reality, why am I wasting my time with you? It's very similar to anti-vaxxers and I stopped arguing with them a long time ago. 

I have friends on the left who continue to debate in the hopes that they'll reach one of those truly independent people who question what is going on and is possibly questioning their support of this "president." This is reasonable and I applaud them for it. However, I can recognize those people and if they want to reach out to me and discuss things with me, I'm happy to. But I also recognize those who will continue to support this "president" no matter what. I see the stupid, easily-debunked memes my right-wing cousin shares and the latest is learning about this bonkers Q-Anon conspiracy bullshit. If you believe that crap, I am no longer going to waste my brain cells on you. My patience is at an end. 

I still enjoy reading about what might be motivating some of these people, whether it's books like Hillbilly Elegy or others in that vein. It's an interesting exercise and I learn things but I'm never going to be able to relate to someone who completely ignores facts and blindly accepts what someone is telling them. I just can't. There are all kinds of stories about trying to reach out to these voters and bring them back to the Democratic fold. Why? Why waste your time, resources, and energy? The "persuadables" are easily identified. Watch a couple of minutes of that rabid crowd at the rally in Tampa yelling "CNN sucks!" and the lovely flower flipping the double bird at the camera and tell me if anything you say can convince these people that they are getting duped. 

If you tried, you'd probably get back something like, "I don't care. I like him because he tells it like it is and he talks just like me." Well, if you're an ignorant racist yahoo, you're right. He does talk just like you. 

There are certainly non-stupid people who follow him and if they have rational arguments, I'll talk to them if they want. I still have hopes for those people. But I've decided that it really is pointless to seek out a debate. I've lost my objectivity and I'm sure my disdain and frustration would show through. (I have a terrible poker face.) But I'll keep doing my thing and posting my opinions and they can make up their own mind. 

So what to do if we don't reach out to them and try to understand them? That's easy. 

We beat 'em. 



Our friend Bob and his daughter Una have an album coming out this fall. Here is their video of the title track, "For Tomorrow." Put this in your ear and eyeholes and get fired up and ready to go. The protest song lives!

Beth and Ken's Not-So-Excellent Adventure

It's a cruel, cruel summer

~~ Bananarama

Go to Florida, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

It usually is, but not this time. 

To make a long story short, Ken was feeling a little crummy for a while; he had a swollen lymph node in his neck and got it biopsied, and the report was "benign, nothing to worry about." He was going to have a follow-up appointment after we got back from our Florida vacation. 

Ken's condition worsened during our week in Florida, enough so that we decided to leave a day early. He had an appointment with his doctor on the Monday after we got back. We didn't even make it to the car. 

When he collapsed on our way out, I called 911 and they got him to the small community hospital in New Smyrna Beach. He was in pretty bad shape but they stabilized him enough to get him to a major hospital that could address his situation better. We went to Shands Hospital at University of Florida Health System in Gainesville. 

He was eventually diagnosed with a very rare form of Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma: leukemic double-hit follicular lymphoma. They had never seen a case of it at U of F, a major regional hospital; the oncologist in South Bend who will be seeing him has never treated a case of it; there have been only about 20 documented cases of this. It's rare enough that the medical team here at U of F is planning on writing a paper about his case. 

A month later after our drive down to Florida and after three weeks in the hospital and a round of chemotherapy, we are heading home. There are five more cycles of chemo ahead of him but I have no doubt whatsoever that he (and we) will make it through this. I've had to remember my Hematology training from three decades ago but I've never been so grateful for my training. It helps immensely to understand what the doctors are saying and to know what is dangerous and what isn't. Well, it's all dangerous, but some things are dangerouser than others. 

The family members and friends who have helped us out through this have been wonderful. We chose not to make it public immediately because we had enough going on as we dealt with all of this and weren't prepared to answer a lot of questions. But we will appreciate every bit of support as we go forward and work on getting Ken into remission and back to full health! 

We are strong, we are positive, and we will beat this!

Broccoli People

I know too much
Yet I know nothing at all
We can stand on higher ground
Watching all them crawl
Lead me to the garden
Need another sin
I know too much
Can I please be plugged back in? 

~~ "Plugged In" by *repeat repeat

I read a really good article on Slate today called "How to survive Trump's Presidency without losing your mind."

You can imagine how that title caught my eye. I've been wondering how to do that! 

The article was written from the point of view of a journalist; by necessity, journalists must stay plugged in and pay attention to what is happening in the news. They don't have the luxury of disengaging and hiding from things. (I would argue that none of us have that luxury.) It says that the constant onslaught of news is almost mind-numbing and that it makes a lot of people just want to switch it all off and go about their normal lives. 

Where the article really hits the nail on the head is that while we have to carry on with our lives and do the things we need to do, whether it's going to work, shopping for groceries (like broccoli), or you know...bathing (that wasn't in the article—that's my addition), it doesn't mean that we can or should disengage from what is happening. There is nothing about what is happening in our country that is normal. 

This administration is harming many of our citizens (pretty much anyone who isn't a rich white Christian dude), is damaging our reputation around the world, and is chipping away at our law enforcement institutions. If you aren't able to see the long-term damage that will do, I honestly don't know what to tell you. 

We disengage at our own peril, our fellow citizens' peril, and even at our country's peril. The news can be overwhelming at times and it's important to recognize when we need to step away for a breather. Now that nice weather is here, I find that sitting outside for a couple of hours and enjoying the peace and quiet of our backyard is very renewing. Some might find relief in working out, getting lost in a good book, or listening to music. Whatever works for you! Know when you need to unplug for a bit. 

But don't do it permanently. Stay engaged, stay informed, stay involved, and stay pissed off! This isn't normal, this isn't right, this isn't okay. When people say things to you that are false, push back. You don't have to get into an argument with everyone every single day but that doesn't mean you have to put up with nonsense. I've never had a tolerance for bullshit so it's easy for me to push back. I've also been known to be more than a little outspoken. Find a level that works for you, but don't just completely disengage, because this shit is important. 

We also need to help and encourage others. Shortly after the election, we met up with Shane and Matt at a little party Mayor Pete Buttigieg gave for his supporters. I remember telling Shane and Matt that I feel like we have to stick together. We have to prop people up when they're feeling down about things and we have to encourage them. I had a chance to ask Mayor Pete what his advice was on how to deal with this and he said to stay involved. If we want to change things, we have to work, and we have to stay engaged with what is going on. Good advice!

I've lost friends because I'm so vocal about politics. I've seen sentiments like "Facebook isn't for politics." (Now THAT is funny!) I'm sure I piss people off. You know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm ready to make a fucking omelet and I'm prepared to break some fucking eggs. (Incidentally, a couple of my coping skills are drinking and cussing a lot.)

The point is that if you care about what is happening—and I know many people who do—you can't just disengage and let all this pass you by. We are living history right here, right now. In 30 years, if someone asks you what you thought about what is happening now, are you really going to say, "Oh, I didn't pay attention to all of that." I mean, come on. That's just lame. 

You don't have to stay pissed off 24 hours a day. I don't know anyone who can maintain that and live a happy life. I have my moments of complete and utter outrage, but I also have my moments of peace and tranquility, and I still love to laugh a lot. I still love music and books and movies and certain TV shows and I still love it when our cat climbs on me in the wee hours and purrs and licks my forehead. There is still much joy in this world and we have to embrace it. 

But don't lose your anger about the wrongs that you see. Call it out. Stay vocal about it and push back when you hear something that you know is wrong (even if you get an "I don't believe you" in response...at least you stood up for the truth). Most importantly, take your anger to the voting booth this fall! 

Remember the wise words of John Lydon: "Anger is an energy." 

I've got another confession to make

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

~~ "The Best of You" by The Foo Fighters

I'm not very happy with myself over the past couple of days. Maybe even weeks.

I've found myself irritable and ready to lash out online (not in person and not to anyone I'm close to). When I'm feeling that way, I try to figure out what is getting under my skin.

It wasn't hard to put my finger on it.

I am disgusted by what is going on in our country right now but that is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not just disgusted by the stupid policy decisions. I'm disgusted by the shortsightedness, the crassness, the viciousness, the hatred, the bigotry, the willful ignorance, the denigration of our justice and law enforcement institutions, the hypocrisy, the rabid sycophancy, and the sheer dumbfuckery that I'm seeing every goddamn day.

And I'm not just disgusted. I'm disheartened, I'm saddened, I'm embarrassed, I'm shocked (still, amazingly), I'm heartsick...

...and I'm angry. I mean, there are times when I feel so angry that I can barely process it. I seriously want to cut a bitch sometimes. I feel stabby way too often.

I've been feeling this way for a while but it really culminated over the past couple of days. Two things:

First, the Vulgar Talking Yam and his pet ghost were in my city. MY city, the one I love so much for its progress, diversity, efforts to make things better for all its citizens, and our beloved Mayor Pete Buttigieg. The "president" and vice-president (my former Governor, thank science, but I'm sorry America) landed in my city and then traveled to another city a few miles east, where I also used to live. It is a much more Republican county than ours, so it didn't surprise me that they moved their rally so that they could get more rabid supporters to pack the high school gym.

I know there is no scientific or rational basis to this, but it bothered me greatly knowing that they were both here. Almost as if there were a disturbance in the Space-Time Continuum. It felt like bad mojo was in the air. When I heard the jets take off after the rally, it made me feel rage to hear them flying over our airspace. I walked out onto the deck and flipped the double bird at the sky. I felt a little bit better.

Second, a low-level White House aide made a joke about how Senator John McCain isn't backing the choice of Gina Haspel for CIA Director because of her compliance with our recent horrible history of torture. She said, "It doesn't matter...he's dying anyway."

HAHAHAHA that is so fucking funny. The guy with an inoperable brain tumor, the guy who spent five years as a POW in Vietnam, is dying!

But what's really funny is that that aide still has her job. And even more hilarious is that the White House refuses to apologize or censor her for her comments! Is that a laff-riot, or what?! Wheeeee!

Listen, I've had my issues with Senator McCain in the past and I still bear some animosity towards him for foisting the Grifter from Wasilla upon our nation. But the guy has served his country for 50+ years, including in the military, which is a helluva lot more than Cadet Bone Spurs can say.

As others have pointed out, the fish rots from the head. The current occupant of the people's house has built this. He has lowered our level of discourse to such a degree that his yampeople are calling for the jailing of political opponents (who haven't even been charged with a crime), the death of free speech and even the death of journalists, the demonization of refugees fleeing oppressive regimes, and perhaps worst of all, the death of facts, truth, reason, and justice.

He has lowered the level of discourse to the point that I can no longer discuss issues and politics with anyone who watches nothing but FoxNews. That sounds like a simplistic and unfair statement, but I assure you, it is not. Those who watch nothing but that for their news are subjected to a litany of propaganda that puts Goebbels to shame. (I think I just Godwinned myself but I stand by the comparison.) When truth and values don't matter any longer, as James Comey said, "Who are we as a country?"

These things make me angry. But what makes me angriest is that I feel the suck of the "president's" negativity in my own mind. When he feels threatened, he lashes out and attacks like a cornered animal. I'm getting a glimmer of that sort of lashing out in myself and this is unacceptable to me. It is one thing to have a reasonable discussion but lashing out at others online is the lazy, dumb way to make myself feel better. It also provides a very fleeting satisfaction.

I don't want to be that way. I refuse to allow him to bring me down to his level. That is not the best of me.

Don't worry. I'm not going all kumbaya on you. I have zero tolerance for bigotry, homophobia, lies, and refusing to believe the facts. I'll call that crap out all damn day. But I'll pick my battles and be strategic about it. Personal interaction counts for much more than just getting into arguments on social media.

My main goal is to maintain my chill. I'm sure I'll still have my anger-like-liquid-hot-magma moments, but I will do my best to be like Spock.

We'll see how that works out. 

Mr. Comey goes to Chicago

Somebody's happy about his book sales!

Shame on me for taking so long to write up my big Comey Day!

Although it has been more like Comey Week...or Comey Fortnight, hasn't it? Give his publisher credit for knowing how to promote a book, because he has been everywhere. (Not that I'm complaining.) And it has certainly paid off because A Higher Loyalty sits atop the New York Times (which is not failing, despite what you might have heard) best sellers list! #1 with a bullet, baby! 

I've enjoyed watching his numerous interviews, and I find that he comes across as honest, credible, and genuinely funny. (Your mileage may vary because I am quite biased.) That held true in Chicago, which was the first stop on his nationwide book tour. 

It was a beautiful spring day in Chicago, with nice temperatures and bright sunshine. After we checked in at our hotel, we relaxed a bit before heading out for dinner. We had decided that pizza sounded good, so we went to Giordano's and had a small deep dish pizza. It had been a long time since we had deep dish pizza and it tasted so good! I could eat some of that right now. 

Then we made our way to the Harris Theater and after Ken chatted up some of the staff, we found the best place to wait before they opened the doors. Much of the floor was reserved for VIP ticket holders so we would have had to sit in the back. The staff recommended the balcony, so after picking up our books, we waited up there for the doors to open. We had a couple of drinks while we chatted with some of the other people in line and Ken and I joked that it looked like we might have been the youngest people in the theater—and we're no spring chickens! So is it older Democrats who are drawn to Comey? Based on the Chicago audience make-up, yes. 

But it's hard to tell. He seems to be mostly reviled by those on the right, but there is a fair measure of those on the left who also can't stand him. He is a bit of an enigma. 

The Handsome Stringbean of Justice. He really is tall.

We ended up in the front row of the balcony and had a great view! There were no pictures or video allowed, but Ken managed to sneak in a couple towards the end. (Shhh, don't tell anyone!)

I had my notebook all ready to go because I planned on taking copious notes. He was introduced, came out to strong applause, and stood at the front of the stage and spoke without notes for about a half an hour. I wrote exactly one thing down and then my note-taking plan went out the window because I was so fascinated by what he was saying! 

What was my note? "Melting like sand at the beach." I have no idea what that was in reference to but I guess I just liked the way he said it! 

He spoke of a lot of things that were in the book (which I had finished the day before), and seemed relaxed and very comfortable speaking that way. I am kind of in awe of people who can do that because I would be a nervous wreck. No podium to stand behind? Nothing to hold onto? Just your hands waving all over the place or hanging down at your sides? That is the stuff of nightmares for me! He just held his hands in front of him or gestured as he made a point. So he's good at what he does. Of course, when you're a federal prosecutor, I suppose you learn to be comfortable speaking in front of people. Or at least how to do it effectively. 

After his opening remarks, he sat down for an interview with a woman from the Chicago Humanities Festival, Marilynn Thoma. She did a very nice job and it was a fun and interesting talk. Again, he seemed relaxed, and her questions got him to expound a little on various topics. Then it was time for a few audience questions. Those of us with tickets had gotten an email asking for question submissions, so I made sure to submit one. 

First question. Not mine. 

Second question. Not mine. 

Third question.

Beth R.! That's me! 

MINE!!!! Mine mine mine all mine! I think the other two questions were Anonymous, but I had included my name, so there I was, Beth R., right up there on the screen. I managed not to leap out of my seat and yell, "THAT'S MY QUESTION!" But it was close. As Ken put it, I was "a hot mess." Guilty as charged! In fact, I was so excited that his response didn't even register. I had to ask Ken later. It was, he would "consider it." 

Now, obviously, I doubt that either a newly-elected Democratic president, or the current "president" if re-elected (I just mentally threw up), would choose him to lead the F.B.I. again. He would be a very controversial pick and would get a lot more opposition than he did the first time he was confirmed as Director. He was confirmed 93-1. However, I think it spoke to his abiding love for the F.B.I. It sounds like it was his ultimate job and he looked forward to staying for his ten-year term. It's obvious that he still loves all the people there and the vast majority love him back. 

As he has come across in his interviews, I found him consistent in his remarks and genuinely concerned with the disdain for facts and truth under our current administration. He is greatly disturbed by the attacks on our justice and law enforcement systems, as we all should be. Constructive criticism and proper oversight are essential; tearing down these institutions is detrimental to a properly functioning society. He cautions against becoming numb to the daily assault on our norms and said over and over that what we are seeing is not normal. He said we must not become inured to that. He is encouraged, however, by the current engagement of citizens, especially young people. He thinks everyone should pay attention, get involved, make our voices heard. I couldn't agree more! 

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Director Comey. I found him interesting, funny, and even a little bit charming. Disagree with me if you want. But it's how I feel. He got a standing ovation when the evening was over, so I think he charmed a few others besides me!

I walked out of the theater on Cloud Nine (those two vodka tonics didn't hurt) and on the way back to the hotel, we stopped to see Cloud Gate, AKA The Bean. I had never seen it at night, and found out that the brightly lit skyline of Chicago is reflected in its shiny surface. 

It was a beautiful sight and the perfect ending to a wonderful day.