False Face

Lies, whispered sweetly in my ear
Lies, how do I get out of here?
Why, why you have to be so cruel?

Lies, lies, lies I ain't such a fool!

~~ "Lies" by The Rolling Stones

It didn't occur to me until this morning that this whole mess with Jussie Smollett reminded me of something from my past.

My first job was in Grand Forks, North Dakota, in the lab in the small hospital there. I became close friends with a couple of phlebotomists. I'll call them Sheila and Craig. They used to come over to the condo I had with my husband at the time, and Sheila and Craig and I would sit on the bed and watch "Knot's Landing." (Kind of amazing how so many memories can come back when you haven't thought of them for years.) We were all just friends, but I felt very close to both of them. 

One day in the lab, I was working in Hematology and Craig came up to me with a slide of a blood smear. He said, "Hey, this is mine...would you take a look at it?" I said, "Sure!" and sat down at the microscope. I focused in and saw tons of blastocytes. I looked up at him and looked back in the microscope. I said, "Listen, I can't diagnose you, but this isn't good. This is full of blasts." (Blastocytes are the sign of some sort of leukemic process going on.) I said, "You need to see your doctor." 

He said, "Really?" I said, "Yes, absolutely. This really is not good." He thanked me and took his slide away. I was really worried about him. 

Especially when he didn't show up for work a couple of days later. I didn't know what was going on and I couldn't get ahold of him. I started asking around trying to figure out what was going on. I eventually talked to the supervisor of the lab and said I was really worried about him. She told me that he had been let go. I recall getting a little mad and wondering if it was because he was sick. I told her that I'd looked at his slide and he had some kind of leukemia. She hesitated and then told me, "That wasn't his slide." 

I said, "What? He gave it to me himself."

She said, "It wasn't his. He took a tube from a leukemia patient and put his own name on it." 

I was stunned. "Why would he do that?"

She said, "I don't know."

All these years later, and I still don't know. I never heard another word from him or anything about him. It was like he vanished off the face of the earth.

As I remembered this today, I still wonder what motivated him to do that. Was it a plea for sympathy? He was my friend...he didn't need to falsify a disease in order for me to sympathize with him. I'm a little appalled that he would do that to a friend. I wasn't the only one he told about it, and we were all very concerned about him. It seems like a betrayal to know that he purposely deceived several of us and used a sick patient to do so. 

I bear him no ill will. All I hope is that he got some help because he obviously needed some. That's exactly what I hope for Mr. Smollett. But just as Craig paid for his deception by losing his job, Mr. Smollett needs to be held accountable for his actions. Craig took advantage of the goodwill of his friends and it appears that Mr. Smollett took advantage of everyone who condemns hate crimes (which should be all of us). 

I'll never understand that kind of deception but I can understand that people that do things like this need counseling and I hope they get it. 

Beth's Music Moment: The Joy of Discovery (Blown Away)

Hey, so don't that make you feel a whole lot better?
Huh?
I say, don't that make you feel a whole lot better?
What you say?
Well, I'm just askin'

"Dance This Mess Around" by The B-52s

Cousin Shane recently posted a great article that was a guide to getting into The B-52s. While neither of us needed a guide because we've loved them since forever, it was still a really fun read. 

It took me way back to the first time Shane and I were introduced to them. They appeared on "Saturday Night Live" and we were immediately hooked! They did two songs, "Dance This Mess Around" and "Rock Lobster" (unfortunately, those videos are hard to find, so you get a later performance of the former song), and we'd never seen anything like it. It was crazy, it was fun, and it was danceable. We've seen them live several times and they are always a blast! 

It made me think about how much fun it is to discover new music. Not just something new but something that blows you away. You fall in love immediately. For many years, SNL was the vanguard in that respect. It's also where we discovered Devo. SNL isn't quite as good as they used to be in that regard, but they got back to it when they had Greta Van Fleet on a few weeks ago. I was blown away. More often than not, I get new music from sites like Noisetrade or Bandcamp. Shane and Matt and I recommend new music to each other a lot, and we go out to hear local bands as often as possible. A local place, Ignition Garage, was hosting a Nashville band a while back and Shane thought they sounded fun. We were blown away by *repeat repeat and go see them now every chance we get. 

I will never tire of that feeling of hearing something that immediately grabs you and makes you go, "Wow! I love this!" I get that feeling with books and movies and other things, too, but nothing is quite as powerful as hearing new music (or even new-to-you music) and feeling blown away. I get frustrated and even angry at people who say that "nothing out there is any good these days." Well, why don't you just shuffle off to the home, Grandpa, because some of us are still getting blown away by new music! That attitude is lazy. You aren't going to hear anything good on commercial radio, okay? Do a little work and seek out new stuff. It ain't gonna fall in your lap! 

Even at my age, I love hearing something new and exciting. Happy hunting, enjoy the journey, and as the Talosians on "Star Trek" say, "May you find your way as pleasant."

Movin' on up

Now we're up in the big leagues
Getting our turn at bat 

~~ Theme from "The Jeffersons"

Lordy, what a day! 

Day 33 of the federal government shitdown shutdown. Workers are going to go for a month without a paycheck and our airports, our borders, and our country are all less safe because of Individual-1's petulant temper tantrum.

Venezuela cuts diplomatic ties with the United States and orders all U.S. diplomats out within 72 hours.

Michael Cohen postpones his testimony before the House Oversight Committee due to threats to his family from Individual-1 and his TV lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

Individual-1 says, "Imma do the State of the Union in the House of Representative." 

Speaker Pelosi says, "LOL No." 

My head is spinning! It's easy to become inured to the utterly chaotic news cycle because it just never stops. However, today I had a vaccination against the chaos and it came this morning. 

My very own Mayor, Pete Buttigieg (say it like 'Buddha Judge'), announced that he has formed an exploratory committee concerning a run for President of the United States. 

Translation: HE'S RUNNING! He really is!

It's been looking that way for a while, but how exciting to hear that it's happening for real! I am thrilled. 

I've been preaching about Mayor Pete for years. I've told friends all over the country to watch this guy because he's going to be President one day. After this morning's announcement, I had friends telling me, "I thought of you when I heard!" I've been on Cloud Nine all day!

So what is it about Mayor Pete that I (and so many of my fellow citizens) love? There are many, but I'll give you three. 

I was impressed from the very first moment I met him. Ken and I were at the local Firefighter's Blues Festival and it was when Pete was first running for Mayor. I had read some articles about him in our local paper, the South Bend Tribune, and I'd liked what he had to say. Ken and I were sitting there in our lounge chairs drinking our beers and I saw Pete working his way through the crowd and shaking hands. I elbowed Ken and said, "Hey, that's Pete Buttigieg! Wanna say hi?" We stood and waited for him to make his way over and we shook hands and chatted a bit. He is not a large man but despite his slight frame, he has a real presence. He was open and friendly and there was just something about him that left us both saying, "Wow." That was when I started thinking that this guy was meant for big things. 

The second thing is what he has done as Mayor of South Bend. I was born here and grew up here (same for Pete) and many of my family members worked for Studebaker. My grandpa, several uncles, and my Aunt June, who did payroll and was one of the last few employees after the plant shut down. The factory buildings cleared out and Aunt June helped various desks go to local schools. We had a huge old Studebaker desk for many years and my cousins and I had all kinds of Studebaker stationery to doodle on. (If we had only known how much that stuff would be worth one day!)

But I digress. After Studebaker shut down, it devastated our town. People lost their pensions (in fact, it was due to the Studebaker plant closing that government protections were put in place to ensure that workers would have guaranteed pensions), people started moving away, and the suicide rate shot up. The malaise continued for decades. When I was in high school, there were a couple of malls built in the area and it siphoned off all of the commerce from downtown. It's not an exaggeration to say that our downtown was a ghost town. Everything was closed and shuttered, all the stores and restaurants closed or moved elsewhere, and no one went there. 

When Pete Buttigieg came on the scene and decided to run for Mayor, Newsweek included us in an article about America's "dying cities." Pete had plenty of ideas about how to make a difference, and when he got elected, he started implementing them. He went about working to reinvent us as more of a "tech hub," rather than a manufacturing city. People started investing time and money in our city and some highly motivated Notre Dame students saw the potential and decided to stick around and make a difference. 

To make a long story short, our downtown is bustling, there are numerous restaurants (from burger joints to some of the best restaurants in town), there is an active music scene, and we've gone from a ghost town to it can be hard to find a parking place when things are going on! It is a complete turnaround from what it was like when I was growing up and I am proud to take out of town friends downtown and show off our city! Mayor Pete was a revitalizing force behind this and helped make our city friendly to business and tourism. 

Third, in 2016, he invited his supporters to a Christmas party at a pub downtown. We attended with Shane and Matt, and it was the first time we'd gotten together since the presidential election. Needless to say, we were all pretty down. Pete and Chasten came by to say hi and thank us for coming, and I asked Pete, "How do we deal with this? This is awful." 

I don't remember his exact words, but he talked about how we need to focus on what is right and continue to speak out and be involved. He agreed that it was pretty awful but said that we all need to stick together and support each other and keep working to make things better. When he and Chasten finally walked away to talk to other groups, we all looked at each other and said, "Whoa!" Somehow he had managed to make us feel optimistic during a very dark time. We were all worried about various rights, not just for us, but for others. But with a few words, Mayor Pete left us feeling better. 

I could write about more things and probably will in the future, but this is long enough. As I've told people for years, check this guy out because he's the real deal. 

I don't know what will happen but I look forward to seeing everything play out and I especially look forward to seeing other people around the country get to hear his ideas and get to know him. If you are interested in that, please check out his website, PeteForAmerica. Click on the "Meet Pete" tab to get a brief bio. Good luck, Mayor Pete! We are with you! 

Fear and loathing

You got no friends tonight
Except your poison
Except your poison
Now all the lights are gone
Reach for your poison
Reach for your poison

~~ "Poison" by Generation X

I really hate it that the current resident (AKA Individual 1) of the Oval Office occupies so much of my headspace. Even when I'm not focusing on the news—and yesterday was a big effin' day, my friends—I find myself pondering things like, "Why do I hate him so much?" 

I don't like to toss the word 'hate' around and I don't do it easily. There is too much of that in the world already and I don't like participating in any of it. I'm a happy person who doesn't like to hate on anybody...unless they really, really deserve it. 

And make no mistake about it, I think Individual 1 deserves it. I detest pretty much everything about him. I find him a loathsome worm, incapable of the self-reflection necessary to be an empathetic or kind person. He is everything I hate in a person: full of himself, willfully ignorant, a liar, a stone cold jerk...I could go on and on, but you get the idea. 

But as I pondered all of this, I thought about WHY all those things bother me. It occurred to me today that it's because he reminds me way too much of so many of the toxic people I've had in my life throughout the years. Whether it was exes or people I encountered over the years in the workplace or elsewhere, Individual 1 embodies all the qualities that caused me so much grief, anger, and heartache. 

The victimhood and the victim-shaming; the narcissism and the sexism; the ego, the ignorance, the lying, the sheer ugliness that lurks deep inside. The guy who decided that he was the head of the household and I had to defer to him. The guy who was seeing numerous women all the time he was seeing me. The guy who got pissed off at me for not wearing a dress and heels around the house when I got home from working at the lab. The boss who blatantly lied about things, like saying, "I never said that" when every single goddamn person in the small lab heard him say it. The coworker who went around telling everyone exactly what he wanted to do to me and then denied it when I confronted him. The doctor who sexually harassed me. The guys who trash-talked about me to anyone who would listen when I had the audacity to break up with them. The people who lied and manipulated and took advantage and who never, EVER took the blame for anything and never had the self-awareness to even think that they might bear some culpability in things.

It's all there. All wrapped up into one big fat bloated orange blob.

He's like a bad acid flashback to all the worst times in my life. A flushback, if you will. 

It's no wonder I loathe him. 

Awkward

She's so cold cold cold
Like an ice cream cone

~~ "She's So Cold" by The Rolling Stones

It was interesting to watch President Bush the Elder's funeral today. I know how it feels to lose a father so I could sympathize with how the family was feeling. 

But what really fascinated me was the body language of the Presidents' Club sitting in the front row. 

Before the service started, the Obamas and the Clintons were chatting and laughing, with the Carters occasionally exchanging some pleasantries with them. Their expressions were calm, happy, even smiling, despite the somber occasion. (No judgment meant by that. Most funerals I've attended end up with some laughter along with the tears. That's a healthy thing.) 

Then the current "president" and his wife arrived. The Missus exchanged handshakes or greetings with them all, but the Mister shook hands with the Obamas and then...sat down. Bill looked at him, possibly a little nonplussed to not be greeted, and the Carters didn't seem to care. Hillary? She looked straight ahead, not acknowledging his presence whatsoever. 

DAMN, girl. 

After that, all the friendly chitchat stopped. The Obamas and Clintons, talking so animatedly before, sat stone-faced as they all waited for the service to start. It was quite a transformation. 

I don't blame them a bit. If some A-hole was telling people that I wasn't born in the United States or ginning up a crowd to chant about throwing me in jail, I'd be pissed off, too. The milk of human kindness only goes so far. 

It's common knowledge that Individual 1 has a deep-seated need to be accepted by the so-called 'elites.' The people in New York and Washington and Hollywood and all over the world who have power and influence. Despite his money (the quantities of which are highly suspect), he has never been fully accepted. People took his donations but held their nose. Why? Because he is, at heart, a dumbass. In loftier terms, he is a vulgarian who has no concept of class or grace. 

He tries, he really does. He thinks that a gilded penthouse (or a gold toilet) somehow makes him 'classy.' The sad, sad truth is that people have always recognized him for what he is: a buffoon and a blowhard who doesn't have a clue. If he weren't such a buffoon, I might almost feel sorry for him. He wants so badly to be accepted, but because of his own boorish behavior, he never will be. 

But I don't feel sorry for him one little bit. He is a vile person who delights in insulting and demeaning others. When you treat people that way, it will cause people to treat you with disdain and even contempt. And you will deserve every bit of it. 

For a brief moment today, I wondered if the eulogies might make him reflect on how respectable people behave and cause him to indulge in a bit of rare self-reflection and maybe even cause him to change his behavior a bit. Then I realized that was silly. This moron is 72-years-old and he will never, ever change. This shtick has worked for him all these years, but he's never had to be accountable to Congress or to someone like Robert Mueller. 

I think he is about to learn what it means to be accountable for his actions. 

Living on a thin line

Now another century nearly gone
What are we gonna leave for the young?
What we couldn't do, what we wouldn't do
It's a crime, but does it matter?
Does it matter much, does it matter much to you?
Does it ever really matter?
Yes, it really, really matters
Living on a thin line
Tell me now, what are we supposed to do?

~~ "Living on a Thin Line" by The Kinks

Hey, long time, no see! 

There have been many times when I've felt like writing but just didn't seem to have it in me. It seems that much of my energy lately is devoted to just trying to hang in there as I watch everything go to shit around me. 

Not personally, not at all. Ken and I are hanging tough and dealing with what we need to deal with. I have a great family that I can always count on if I need to bend their ear and vice versa. We have supportive friends, too, and I don't feel personally worried. 

But as for our country, OHMICOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEE! 

An exaggeration, yes. My greatest feelings of despair stem from realizing that we have lost our standing as a moral beacon in the world. And yeah, yeah, I get it...we are NOT always all that moral. We've done some shitty things over the centuries. But didn't we use to stand for something? Didn't we use to have that ideal that said that you could be whatever you wanted to be if you worked hard? Didn't we use to be the place that people wanted to come to because they knew that they would have a chance to make a better life for themselves and for their families?

Didn't our country develop its unique culture and strength through diversity and the input of immigrants? My own family came over from Germany in the late 1700s and began farming on land that my ancestors got because of early service to this country. Both of my parents' families were dirt poor when my folks were growing up during the Depression and I know that there are plenty of us whose families faced the same or similar hardships. So why are some of these same people looking down on those who want to come here to try to do better for their families? Didn't they all have the same motivation?

I love my country, I really do. Yes, we have made and continue to make mistakes (understatement of the year), but the past couple of years have left me ashamed and apologizing to my friends in other countries. "I'm so sorry," I say. "I apologize for what is going on right now," I say. 

I am sick of apologizing. I want to be proud of my country again. I want to be able to say "I'm an American" without immediately apologizing and saying that I do not support this so-called president and I do not condone his actions. Ken and I try to be good ambassadors for our city, our state, and our country, so how about if this so-called president makes an attempt to do the same? Can he please stop embarrassing us on the international stage?

I try not to feel despair...or at least I try not to dwell on it. I try to keep in mind that the arc bends slowly and that sometimes it's two steps forward and one step back. At the same time, I absolutely reject the politics of hate and I condemn every single person that embraces hatred and divisiveness. I have no time for your crap and I am going to call you out every time I see it. I may not have the "best words" but I've got some good ones and I know how to use them. 

We really are living on the edge right now, pals. Don't you feel it? 

It's up to each one of us to decide which side we are going to be on. 


 

Devolution is real

We're pinheads now
We are not whole
We're pinheads all

~~ "Jocko Homo" by Devo

I can think of no better music for today than Devo. 

I honestly don't know how to write about today's Senate Judicial Committee hearing. I watched the entire 8+ hours with disgust, fascination, and despair. 

I feel sick. I feel heartsick. I feel sadness and disgust. 

And I am so fucking angry that I'm not sure how to process it. I thought writing it down might help, but I don't know. (Listening to some Devo is helping more than I had hoped! It seems that devolution is the order of the day.)

My thoughts on Dr. Ford's testimony are that she was credible, sympathetic, and likable. This entire process was new to her and she didn't have much of an idea of how to handle this or how to contact her representatives. I cried with her today (and I'll get into that a little more in a moment). 

My thoughts on Judge Kavanaugh's testimony is that he was overly emotional, combative, and kind of a jerk. I'm not the only one of my friends to wonder if he is an alcoholic and even if he was drunk during his testimony. It was beyond weird. 

I also realize that I am seeing things along partisan lines. I went into this prepared to believe Dr. Ford and already thinking that Kavanaugh had issues. My mind was not changed. 

Here's the thing: one accuser can be denied and brushed off. Two can maybe be the same. But when you get to three or more accusers of the same type of assault, you've got a real problem. And Brett Kavanaugh obviously has a real problem, on multiple levels. Any rational person would wonder why Senator Grassley refuses to call other corroborating or exculpatory witnesses and why he and other Republicans are so reluctant to support an FBI investigation. In fact, when Senator Durbin asked Kavanaugh if he would support an FBI inquiry, he was so flummoxed by the question that he sat in silence. Great job!

Here's another thing: the majority of women (and certainly some men) have been subjected to similar assault and harassment. Dr. Ford's testimony was emotional for many of us for just that reason. Like pretty much every woman, I've experienced my own moments that have stuck with me over the years. I won't mention every single one here because I don't feel like revisiting it all, but Dr. Ford's experience made me remember one incident in particular. 

It was my freshman year in college and I was just starting to break out of my "shy shell" of high school. I was 17. It was a whole new world for me in which guys found me attractive. For a shy bookworm, it was a heady feeling! I was at a party off-campus and there was plenty of booze. It wasn't uncommon to have what we called Hairy Buffalo at parties—a drink that was made in a big cooler, with fruit punch and maybe some fruit slices, and tons of alcohol, usually some Everclear. That is grain alcohol, which is 95% alcohol. It tasted like Kool-Aid, but it would mess you up. 

I don't remember if that's what I drank at that party, or if I just drank beer. Most college parties had a keg, too. I also don't remember if I met the guy in a class or somewhere else and he invited me to the party, or if someone invited me there and that's where I met the guy. I don't remember where the party was, only that it in a house off-campus. 

What I do remember is that I got drunk, and was talking to this guy. We went into a bedroom, but I don't remember if it was his or someone else's. I remember that there were bunk beds just to the left of the door as you walked into the bedroom, and we were on the bottom bunk. I remember that we made out and at some point, he was on top of me and getting more aggressive than I was comfortable with. I told him to stop and he didn't. He had his full weight on me and I couldn't move or get out from under him. I started getting scared and got more forceful about trying to get him off of me and tell him to stop. 

I don't remember what I did or said that finally made him stop enough so that I could get up and get out of that room. I don't remember how I got home, but I probably walked back to my dorm. A couple of days after the party, he came by my dorm room and when I looked through the peephole and saw it was him at the door, I hid in the closet and my roommates told him I wasn't there. He came back more than once and my roommates always covered for me and told him I wasn't there. My roommates were the only ones who knew about it. It never even occurred to me to report it to campus police or anyone else. Hey, he didn't rape me, right? 

I don't remember a lot of things about that incident, but I remember the situation. I remember that he was fairly tall, maybe 6', and he had curly blond hair. I also remember his full name. And thanks to the blessing/curse of social media, after I thought about all of this, I found out that he is on social media and he lives in my area, maybe 15 miles from me. It looks like he has a nice family and a nice life. 

I have a nice family and a nice life, too. But I still remember how scared I felt when he was on top of me on the bottom bunk of that bunk bed in a bedroom in a house off-campus at Ball State University. I bet he has no idea who I am and has no memory of me, the 5' tall, 100-pound freshman. 

But I remember him. Almost 40 years later, I remember him.