The X Files

Breaking up is never easy. You might even say that it's hard to do.

I'm certainly glad I don't have to deal with that mess anymore, because at their mildest, they're unpleasant, and at their worst, they can become ugly.

I've been the breaker upper and I've been the breakup-ee. As the giver, I've run the gamut from "Okay, that's cool, I understand" to "You are such a cold-hearted bitch." As the recipient, I've taken it hard enough where it took me a good month to come out of it, and other times I felt a sense of relief. With one notable exception, someone who I consider a good friend now (I chalk it up to him being just a really nice guy, and it was many years ago…he knows who he is), I don't stay in touch with exes.

People handle things in different ways. Some people remain friends, and seem to feel proud about that. "Yeah, we broke up a couple of years ago, but he's still one of my best friends." Screw that. What planet are you living on? My way is that once I get to the point where I'm done, I am really done. It takes a lot to get me to that point, so there was never any going back for me. I don't recall one instance where I broke up with a guy and then tried to get back together with him. I had a few who tried to do that with me, but if I was the one who called it off, that was it for me.

I am not an impulsive or mercurial person. I do not make major decisions lightly or quickly. Whether or not to stay in a relationship is a major decision, and although there were times when I was pretty miserable, I stuck it out until I couldn't take anymore. But once I do make that decision...yes, Regis, that is my final answer. I am also not one to threaten, or give ultimatums. "If you don't like it, why don't you just leave?" or "Either you do this, or we're through." That seems immature to me, and you just back yourself into a corner with ultimatums. You also might not get the response you want or expect. "Why don't you just leave?!" "Well, now that you mention it...okay, I will." So once I get to that point where I say I want out, you can bet that I've thought about it long and hard, and I'm going to be firm with my decision. (By the way, I'm just reflecting on the past. I'm glad all this stuff is behind me!)

What I've always found irritating is those who just won't let go, and maybe that's why I came to have the attitude of when it's done, it's done. When I say I'm done, I really am, and I am not just being coy or playing hard-to-get. That means don't call me up, don't cry about how much you miss me, don't pull that idiotic (and unhealthy) guilt trip thing and tell me that you don't know how you're going to live without me. Man up, for Pete's sake. I remember one trying to get me back and asking me, "Whatever happened to stand by your man?" I think my sarcastic response was something like, "Gee, I don't know. Whatever happened to not calling your girlfriend a fucking cunt?" I remember one instance of being ditched and devastated, and when I got over it and moved on, I got a letter from the guy asking how I was doing, and saying he hoped to be a better friend to me than he was a boyfriend. Seriously? You refuse all contact with me and then decide you can just stroll back into my life and say you want to be my friend? I don't think so!

I've had to deal with "other" exes, too. Before Ken and I got married, he got a call asking "Are you sure you want to do this?" Then there was the one who kept calling for him after we got married, and when I said that he was at work, and could I take a message, she'd say no and hang up. He finally had to get on the phone and tell her to stop calling our house. There was a memorable phone call in which I was told, "If I were the person I am now, I think Ken and I would still be together! ::sob::" Really? Who actually says that to a guy's new wife? Boundaries, people, boundaries! That's downright embarrassing. That's a special level of pathetic, right there.

I suppose there are people who have self-esteem issues, and feel that there will never be another relationship like the one that is lost. Maybe it's a control thing, and they feel they have to insert themselves into the game, although their piece has long been removed from the board. I came to have a sort of slash-and-burn policy...once it was over, that was that. If I was the one dumped, I had too much pride to grovel, and resolved to move on and not give the guy any satisfaction. (It didn't happen overnight. I had some craptacular failures that got me to that point.) If I was the one who ended it, I did it for good reasons and only after much deliberation. (Again, that took some time to get right...I made some stupid decisions when I was young and immature, and I've done my best to apologize for that when I had the chance.) As I got older, I came to trust my instincts and judgment, and to realize that I'd made the right decision for the right reasons.

And finally...I made the best decision of all.