Be who you needed

A friend posted this on Facebook (I wish I could remember who, but my apologies to whomever it was!) and I was very intrigued by it. I think I actually said, “Hmmm” out loud.

It made me think about who I needed when I was younger. Then it made me think about how much younger. When I was a young kitty-cat, I very much needed my parents, and they were there for me. My Dad, especially, reinforced that I could pursue what I wanted to pursue, and my gender didn’t have to be a factor. He encouraged me to speak up and to not be meek about what I said. Although we came to disagree on things in politics, he knew that I got my outspokenness from him!

But I can’t be that person now because I don’t have kids of my own.

So for the purpose of this exercise, I’ll think about who I needed when I was a young adult. After all, that is possibly our most formative time, in which we set our worldview and the seeds are sown for who we will be as adults.There were plenty of people who influenced me during that time, including my sister Diana, but if I’m going to be totally honest, I have to say that I’m really not sure who could have broken through my stubbornness and sense of invulnerability. No one could tell me anything and I pretty much did whatever the hell I wanted to do. 

Things have changed a lot since then.

Bahahaha! No, they haven’t. I’m still as stubborn as ever and still do my own thing. In that respect, Ken has been the person I needed as I got older because I feel more accountable. I still have fun, but it is tempered with knowing that I am not a solo unit and I can’t just go out and do whatever I want.

Some of the people who had the most influence on me in my career were a couple of managers. Bonnie in Grand Forks helped me realize that I didn’t need to be perfect right off the bat when I got out of school. Yes, I had work to do, but not being a perfect technologist didn’t mean that I couldn’t work towards that goal. I eventually became one of the Employees of the Month in that lab, and much of that was due to Bonnie and her confidence in me. My supervisor in Indianapolis, Paul, told me that he wished he could clone me and he gave me the confidence to keep doing what I was doing. There were others in my career who encouraged me and helped me to work harder and try to do my best. I didn’t always succeed, but I took all their lessons to heart and tried to remember that our main goal was to do right by our patients and give them the best care possible.

As I think about all of this, I struggle to come up with the person who I needed when I was a young adult and how that might translate to “be who you needed” at that age. I had so many influences, but I cannot fathom who, in particular, I might have needed at that age. Did I influence people in my life? I taught many students over the years in the lab, and I hope that I had a positive influence there. Some of the people I had as students turned out to be some of the best techs I’ve ever worked with and at least one went on to become a doctor.

I guess the only thing I can take away from this is that the best lessons I got were from people who encouraged me and who didn’t try to force me onto any sort of traditional path. They told me to be my own person and to find my own way. That’s the advice I would give to anyone, no matter their age. Find your passion, or better yet, find several.

It will keep you from being bored, which will also keep you from being boring.

Beth’s Books: So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed

by Jon Ronson

It took me a little while to warm up to this book, but it left me with a lot to think about.

Ronson explores the recent phenomenon of online shaming, in which someone posts a comment or photo that goes viral and results in massive condemnation and hatred from others online. The most recent incidence of this that I can think of is that dentist who killed Cecil the lion. There was some talk of extraditing the guy to Zimbabwe to face prosecution, but that didn’t happen.

At first Ronson seemed to be rather gleeful about his own participation in such shaming, and that bothered me a bit. But as he continued to explore various topics for this book, he seemed to realize how devastating it can be for these people and how the initial satisfaction we might get from firing off a nasty tweet is not really worth it when it comes to people losing their jobs, being afraid to leave the house due to death threats, and generally feeling like worthless pieces of shit.

He explores various people who have had to deal with this, some who weathered it well and some who didn’t; he visits a therapy group that practices Radical Honesty, and his description of the encounter had me laughing out loud; he works with a group who does reputation rehabilitation online to successfully remove the egregious searches from the front page of Google (fascinating stuff) of someone who was a “shamee.”

In one of the most interesting sections, he interviews prison reformers who believe that much of the violence perpetrated in this country stems from people being shamed as children. They feel helpless in the face of such humiliation so they lash out at others in order to take control and make others feel the same helplessness and humiliation that they did as children. Our current prison system perpetuates that humiliation and the subsequent violence.

It made me think about Good Internet vs Bad Internet. Used wisely, the Internet can bring us new friendships, new connections, and even lasting love. However, we’ve all seen the dark side of the Internet, in which people are attacked, belittled, verbally abused, and threatened. It has been my experience that the Anonymous Comment is detrimental to courteous and productive discourse (and that’s why I stopped allowing anonymous comments here some time ago). When they don’t have to worry about accountability, it’s far too easy for people to say whatever vile things they want.

It also made me think about whether I have ever engaged in public shaming. I have written about real people like Kim Davis, but I did my best to criticize what I felt were her discriminatory attitudes rather than criticize her personally. I totally disagree with what she was doing, but I would never send her death threats or anything like that. I honestly don’t understand that mentality. But there are people out there who do that, and I feel that it is counterproductive. It’s one thing to criticize for a belief or a policy; it’s quite another to threaten a person and call them names.

Maybe I’m a little more sensitive to it because I have experienced such shaming on a personal level. An ex went around town telling people that I was an alcoholic lesbian who took him for everything he had. He was doing this to friends and family members and it got pretty embarrassing. I had a clerk in Waldenbooks tell me that they knew who I was and that my ex was in there talking about me; my parents’ neighbor told them that the ex was telling them about all this stuff. I weathered it with the help of some good advice from my parents. They said that the people who know and love me won’t believe it and will think less of the ex for going around and saying it. I think that turned out to be the case.

I thought about that when reading this book and imagined what I went through multiplied by about a million. That’s what it would be like to be shamed online and have it go viral.

It made me resolve even more to try to keep things civil and focus on the topic rather than resorting to ad hominem attacks. I can’t stop others from doing that, but that doesn’t mean that I have to participate.

Perception and the Media

There has been much chatter, from both online pals and the media, about last night’s Democratic debate.

As I wrote last night, my own feeling was that Hillary won. The media certainly was quick to give her the win, and the kudos reached a rather absurd level. (No, Van Jones, she wasn’t like Beyoncé.) I also thought Sanders did quite well, but to me, Hillary carried herself the best.

However, a handful of focus groups showed Sanders winning. Vox had an interesting article about this, taking a look at how they felt Hillary seemed too timid and Sanders came across as strong. I found this a little dismaying because it seems that a woman who gets passionate about something is deemed as ‘shrill’ or told to ‘calm down.’ (For the record, if you ever encounter me when I’m really angry, tell me to calm down at your own risk.) It is very much a double standard that women have had to deal with for pretty much forever. It reminded me a lot  of President Obama stepping back from the risk of appearing to be the ‘angry black man.’ Virtually everyone seems to have these hardwired perception filters that are really hard to overcome. I thought that Hillary was being calm but showing strength; others thought that she was too passive.

A gal can’t win for losin’.

Another interesting thing I read today was a piece from Paul Waldman in which he wrote about how the media will manipulate our thoughts on the debate. We’ve been seeing this a lot lately, haven’t we? Whether it’s the media writing story after story about Hillary’s emails or not reporting on Sanders’ events, it seems they have their own agenda to push.

A related story was from poll genius Nate Silver about how the media had been selling the narrative of Hillary’s campaign in disarray and how VP Biden might step in to rescue the party and blah di fucking blah. So after pushing that narrative, they are now talking about how she was triumphant, a veritable phoenix rising from the ashes of a dysfunctional campaign. However, as Nate points out, she has been the frontrunner nationally for the entire time, and by a fairly healthy margin. He does not state that she is a shoo-in, but odds show that she is the prohibitive favorite. However, their bogus comeback story is a lot more interesting than “yes, she was ahead before the debate and she’s still ahead after the debate.”

This is why I take so much of what I read with a grain of salt. Sure, a lot of what I read is biased on the left. I realize that. But I try to avoid the especially sensationalistic sites like Salon or Jezebel. The Daily Beast can be that way, too, but I pick and choose which articles I post from there. If something is obviously inflammatory or biased, chances are I am not going to post it. I grow weary of journalists pushing an obvious narrative about this or that candidate. I just want to see the straight-up facts and go from there. Many journalists have insightful and thoughtful opinions, and I enjoy those for what they are: opinions. I always try to keep in mind that that is what they are offering up and putting their own spin on.

Unfortunately, far too many people accept that manipulation as fact and don’t form their own opinions. They’d rather be told what to think than to think it through on their own. I’m certainly vulnerable to that to a certain degree, but I do my best to form my own opinions.

Most people who know me would probably agree that I have plenty of them!

Well, that was refreshing!

Tonight was the first Democratic debate and boy howdy, wasn’t that a breath of fresh air?

1. Everyone talked about the issues.
2. No one attacked each other to any extensive degree.
3. Everyone agreed on the Democratic principles and vision, and no one really went off the reservation to any great extent.
4. Everyone seemed knowledgeable and was able to use their words and put them together into sentences that actually made sense.
5. There were only five people onstage, which meant that everyone got to say their piece, although I suspect Jim Webb would disagree with that.

What a contrast from the Republican debates. No one was attacking viciously, no one was stupidly attacking President Obama, no one was attacking immigrants or blahs or poors...it was all quite civilized.

I almost don’t know how to handle it. I mean, what just happened here? Did a group of candidates hold a debate and actually talk about the issues in a substantive way?

Huh. Weird.

P.S. I think Hillary won. Webb definitely lost, Chafee was marginal, O’Malley did pretty well, Sanders did very well, but Hillary was cool, calm, and collected, and came across as the most ‘presidential,’ which definitely counts for something in these debates. Biggest loser of the night? The Republicans. This is how you do a debate, kids. Please make a note of it.

The Return of the Dead

Walker heads! [insert walker noises here]

Most people know that I am unabashedly obsessed with the TV show “The Walking Dead.” As I’ve remarked before, it’s like they made a show just for me. I knew when I saw the trailer for this brand new show that it was something I wanted to try, and I was hooked from the very first episode. “Little girl? I’m a policeman.”

Zombie Zone!

I’ve also become a fan of the companion series, “Fear the Walking Dead,” but the original is still the big dog for me. “Fear” got me through the summer (along with all kinds of other fun stuff), but I was beyond excited for the Season 6 premiere of TOS. Which was last night!

These premieres and finales are such big deals to me that I try to do fun stuff. I had a couple of zombie signs to put up and I hung the strand of “walker lights” that Shane and Matt got me for my birthday. I told Ken, “Those are staying up year-round!” (I have them lit even as I type! They are so cool!) For dinner, I made a Head Loaf, a meatloaf that looked like a zombie head (garlic cloves for eyes and teeth). For dessert, I made my Slimeballs brain mold (recipe to follow), and while the premiere was airing, we drank Zombie Dust beer (also a birthday present, that one from my sister).

It was an enjoyable evening and I loved the season opener. I won’t go into any spoilers here, so no worries. It was an hour and a half long, so it was essentially a movie! It went back and forth in time a bit and they handled it really well. A few things got explained although there is plenty to deal with going forward. I’ve seen this episode referred to as ‘ambitious,’ and I think that’s a good word for it. Special effects guru and executive producer Greg Nicotero directed it, and the walkers were particularly gnarly. Keep in mind that we’re well into the zombie apocalypse on the show, so the walkers continue to decompose and fall apart. It makes for some gruesome (and totally fun!) moments.

Am I happy? Yes, I am happy. It’s back and they did a great job with it, setting up the season as we explore life—and death?—in the Alexandria Free Zone. I’m ready!

Slimeballs (double batch)

2 packages of lime Jell-O (I use sugar free)

2 cups boiling water

1 cup vodka

1 cup Midori melon liqueur

Make the Jell-O like you usually do. (I don’t need to explain that, do I?) I let it cool in the fridge for a little bit before I add the booze. If you’re just putting it in a pan, you can go ahead and do that. If you’re using a mold (you don’t have to use a mold, but a brain mold is really a lot of fun!), you’ll want to spray the mold with cooking spray and cool the slimeballs in the fridge for a bit before you put it into the mold. This results in an intact brain. An intact brain is very, very important in the zombie apocalypse.

I like to decorate it with red and black gel frosting. Serve with whipped cream and be careful! Slimeballs pack a punch!

Get ‘em to the Greek

You’ve gone too far this time

But I’m dancing on the valentine

~~ Duran Duran, “The Reflex”

Play that fuckin' bass, John!

Whoops, I had really intended to write before this, but after getting back from our whirlwind San Francisco trip, I was occupied with laundry and other things around the house, as well as re-adjusting to my usual time zone (I seem to be very time zone sensitive), and just generally recharging my batteries. As much as I love to travel, it does seem to wear me out being around all that humanity.

We had a wonderful time in the city! It was so great to see Todd and we’ll make sure the next visit doesn’t take us as long as this one did. We had lots of delicious seafood and I had a little too much fun at the Tonga Room (Beware the Lava Bowl!)! But it was a ton o’ fun and San Francisco is still one of my favorite cities to visit. We rode the cable car one day, and something about it was just so iconic that it made me verklempt. Hearing the rumble of the wheels on the tracks, the clang of the bell, the creak of the car as it took the curves, and seeing the hilly side streets going up and up...ahhhh. It was a lovely moment.

Do I look happy and excited? I was!

Anyway, the impetus of our trip was to see Duran Duran at the Greek Theater at UC Berkeley! We took BART over to Berkeley fairly early so we had plenty of time to find a place to eat. We decided on pizza and beers and sat outside in a pleasant little courtyard. We ended up talking to the women at the next table, Sarah and her girlfriend Crystal from Bend, Oregon. They were just so sweet and so fun to talk to and we are now Facebook friends! I bet we’ll see them again at some point, maybe on a visit to Portland. Then we talked to a woman sitting next to me, who was originally from Slovenia. We had a nice conversation with her, too. Then we talked to a group of three women a little further away who were also going to the concert and they were also super nice! It was such a lovely dinner because everyone was in a very happy mood and it was so much fun to talk to everyone! (Although some of that might be why I was so exhausted when we got home!)

Then it was time to make our way to the venue. The UC-Berkeley campus was gorgeous (at least what we saw of it), and the Greek Theater is a beautiful open-air theater with a capacity of about 8,000. The seats around the perimeter seem to rise fairly steeply, so I suspect that there isn’t a bad seat in the house. Ours certainly weren’t, because we were in the fourth row! To make it even better, we were on the left, so we were in front of John Taylor (insert automatic swoon here)!

I had to wait a while for Duran Duran because there were not one, but two opening bands. The first was Clean Bandit, who are apparently causing a bit of a buzz among those who like dance music. I had seen a couple of their videos and liked them, and they had a lot of energy and were very fun! Next up was none other than Nile Rodgers and Chic, and they blew me away. Nile Rodgers is an amazing musician and performer. He had us all up dancing and got us perfectly primed for the main act! I knew we’d see Nile again since he was a producer on both Notorious and the new album, Paper Gods.

Finally, it was time. Duran Duran opened with the title track from Paper Gods, as I knew they would, and it was fabulous. We were off and running! I can’t say that I screamed like a teenager—I don’t think my voice reaches that register anymore—but I did my share of yelling and I know there were moments when I had my hands on my head in a sort of “Oh my glob!” gesture. This is a band of consummate professionals, people who know how to not just play, but how to command a stage. It helps, of course, that they were a veritable hit machine for quite a few years, with so many of the songs indelibly familiar to many of us.

Some of the most magical moments (yes, I said magical...and they were for me!) were when the crowd was singing along. I’m not always a fan of singalongs, but when they work, they work. It’s a moment of shared experience with other human beings and a communal vibe that just feels good. We all sang to “The Reflex” and to “Rio,” with a little bit of singing for various other songs. The new songs sounded great and the party vibe of “Pressure Off” (with Nile Rodgers joining on guitar) was aided by a big ol’ confetti explosion that made it feel like New Year’s Eve. The older songs didn’t sound tired or dated; they were as fun and danceable as ever.

Let me just say again how talented this band is as musicians and performers. You can tell they’ve been doing this for a while (35 years, in fact), and they’ve got it figured out. In some bands of this longevity, that can come across as stale or “calling it in.” That is not the case with Duran Duran. They seemed to be genuinely having fun out there and made sure to put on a good show for the crowd. The sound and visuals were great, no one sounded off or off-beat, and Simon’s voice was phenomenal. He hits some high notes on some of the new songs and it wasn’t just digital manipulation because he hit those same high notes live. I think his voice has matured as he’s gotten older, and I read that he worked with a vocal coach to “rebuild” his voice a while back. He learned to not force it as much and just let it go. I noticed that on the new album and it was also very noticeable in concert.

This show immediately rocketed into my Top Five concerts of all time. If you know me or have been following me here for a while, you know that I’ve been to a lot of concerts! I know I was primed for it because I’ve been on such a DD kick for a while now, so that may have had something to do with it. But I went into this with high expectations, partly because I was so excited to see them and partly because I’ve heard that they are a fantastic band live. They did not just meet those expectations. They exceeded them. It was just a great, great show. I could have listened to them play for another hour and a half and would have stood and danced on the valentine the entire time!

Oh, and they looked kind of nice, too.

[video from Concertkid found on YouTube]

Never mind gravy

Yesterday we headed out to meet Todd for lunch. We walked down to the Financial District and met up with him in the lobby of his building, then walked over to the Rincon Building, a beautiful Art Deco building that was originally a post office. It now holds shops and restaurants, and our lunch adventure was Yank Sing, a dim sum place.

It was my first time for dim sum and I loved it! I asked Ken if I was right in thinking that it’s kind of like Chinese tapas, he said yes, that was pretty accurate. We had all kinds of yummy things, including these wonderful pork and broth-filled dumplings. (Ken informs me that they are called Shanghai Dumplings and are a Yank Sing signature dish.) Everything was delicious and we had a great time talking over lunch.

The Rincon Building has a nice little display of the various artifacts that we discovered when the renovation and excavation took place. Wonderful bits of history that tell the story of its marina history and its Chinese residents.

Todd had to go back to his office for a bit, so we agreed to meet at his place around 5. Ken and I strolled down Embarcadero and saw the Bay Bridge, then walked by some of the piers before cutting up near Coit Tower and making our way over to Todd’s neighborhood. I’m a fairly active person and exercise six days a week, but that trek about kicked my ass! I’d forgotten how brutal some of these hills can be. That was definitely my workout for the day, and Ken’s FitBit informed him that we walked about six miles yesterday! I found some fun things along the way, including the odd bit of graffiti that inspired the title of this entry.

It wasn’t quite time for us to meet Todd, so we found a little dive bar called Black Magic Voodoo Lounge near the corner of Lombard and Van Ness. It was one of those fun finds that we occasionally stumble across (if not stumble out of) and we had a couple of beers and a total blast! We chatted with the bartender, Sarah-Alice, and she was a total sweetheart, originally from Georgia. She turned out to be a Walking Dead fan, so we had a lot of fun talking to her about that. A regular came in, obviously friends with Sarah-Alice, and he’d been binge-watching TWD, too, so we chatted with him. We all talked about our favorite characters, and this guy mentioned that he likes Beth a lot. He wasn’t quite to THAT episode, so I wish I could hear his reaction when he sees it. It was just a really pleasant interlude to sit in this little place and chat some people up. We seem to do that a lot, and it’s almost always a very fun experience! (Except for that big ol’ racist lady from Memphis that we encountered at a place in Chicago when we went to see the Stones. That really took an ugly turn!)

Then it was time to head over to Todd’s. He’s got a really great apartment with these high ceilings and wood floors. It’s cozy and comfortable and quite inviting! We had a couple of beers and chatted and he played a little guitar. He’s incredibly talented and it was a joy to hear him play again. We headed out to the place where he’d made reservations, the Wayfare Tavern, which I just learned is a Tyler Florence place. My burger was yummy, the fried chicken was delicious, and the halibut was also very tasty. The place was packed and it was a little too noisy for my tastes (which made it hard to carry on a conversation) but it was still a fun place with good food.

After dinner, we made plans with him for dinner tonight. He dropped us off at the hotel and Ken and I kicked back with a couple of drinks. Today we’re heading over to the Wharf so Ken can get his chowdah fix, then we’ll have dinner with Todd at a seafood place and THEN...the TIKI BAR! I’m wearing a vaguely tiki-ish shirt, so I am ready!