Terrifying!

Last night there wasn't much on TV, so we decided to watch a movie. Ken pulled out three possibilities from which I was to choose, and since it was Halloween weekend, I thought a scary movie was in order. I chose one called "Haunting," also known as "A Haunting in Connecticut." Looked like a classic scary movie, allegedly based upon a true story, of a family moving into a house that just isn't quite right. The usual hi-jinx occur, cold pockets of air, mysterious voices, ghosts appearing in the little girl's bedroom, demonic possession, priests, an exorcism...good, scary stuff, right?

Well, it was good, all right, but I'm sure not in the way they were intending. I laughed my ass off (but quickly reattached it). Apparently, this originally appeared on the Discovery Channel as a documentary, and the entire movie was narrated in that style. As if that weren't annoying enough, they often talked to the participants so that their faces were in shadow; all of the action took place in a "this is a reenactment" manner, complete with bad acting and ridiculous dialogue. And I have a question. If these people were from the East coast, why did the women all have southern accents worthy of a Springer guest discussing how she isn't sure which of her boyfriends knocked her up?

A quick synopsis, and I'm not even going to warn of spoilers, because if you waste your time on this movie, you deserve to have it spoiled! Teenage boy has leukemia, has to have special treatments out of state in Connecticut. It's breaking the family's back financially, so they decide to move there to save the cost of commuting daily. Mom makes a trip out there, finds a big ol' house for amazingly reasonable rent (has she never seen a freakin' horror movie?!), family moves, shit starts happening. The sick kid and his little brother sleep in the basement, and Mom and Dad find an adjacent room that Mom didn't see when she first looked at the house. What is all this strange equipment? Why is there a steel gurney in the middle of the room? Why is there a freezer here? Why is this tubing coiled in the middle of the floor, and why does it look...stained? And oh...is that a bone saw?

That's right, this beautiful old house used to be a funeral home, and the boys are sleeping next to the embalming room. They soon start seeing movement through the glass doors to the embalming room, and the sick kid starts hearing someone whispering his name. The little girl is playing in her room and looks up to see a creepy female ghost. Mom (who seems to be a bit of a sadist) points out that there is no one there, and the little girl needs to shut her pie hole. Mom is mopping the kitchen floor...and is shocked and horrified when the water turns to blood, and she just keeps right on mopping it around. Yeah, they're living in a haunted funeral home, but the rent is so cheap!

Ohhh, let's see, then some other stuff happens...sick kid gets possessed by some goateed demon wearing full black contact lenses, sick kid's personality changes (evidenced by him sitting in his basement room listening to that evil rock music with *gasp* electric guitar, and starting to wear all black clothes—I kid you not), sick kid tries to get freaky with his girl cousin, sick kid gets hauled off to the loony bin, warning his family that "Now it will come after you." It does. Mom gets knocked on her back by goateed demon and her neck starts to swell. (What exactly was that demon doing to her, anyway?) A priest is consulted, determines that the place is lousy with demon infestation, an exorcism is authorized. Holy water is flung, words are said, demon picks up girl cousin and slams her against the wall (I think demon has some rage issues against women), demon flees, sick kid gets out of the loony bin and is no longer loony (or infested with a demon), family moves out.

Maybe it was the half a bottle of Chardonnay I consumed during dinner and this movie, but I was cracking up. This has got to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen, right up there with the likes of "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Howard the Duck," and that crappy meteor flick with Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. I think they really intended this to be creepy and spooky, but I couldn't stop laughing. Would I watch it again? Only if some of you cool kids come over and watch it with me while we give it the full Mystery Science Theater treatment. It was so deliciously bad that I want to share it with others and spread the misery around a little bit. It would be a hell of a lot of fun to MST-ify it with some of you.

::sigh:: Have I become too jaded in my horror movie life experience? Is a haunting old hat? Are demons outdated? Do exorcisms induce ennui? I don't think so; I still can't watch "The Exorcist" by myself. But movies like "Haunting" are so non-scary that they're humorous. If some of you want to come over and enjoy make fun of it with me, I'll make munchies and get a keg. C'mon over. We'll have some laughs. It'll be fun.