Looking forward

No more looking back

No more living in the past

Yesterday's gone and that's a fact

Now there's no more looking back

Got to be hard

Yeah, look straight ahead

That’s the only way it's going to be

Yesterday's gone and that's a fact

Now there's no more looking back

~~ “No More Looking Back” by The Kinks

Before I start, I’m thinking about everyone in the path of Hurricane Irma. I have lots of relatives and friends in Florida, and New Smyrna Beach is our home away from home. I hope everyone will be safe. Hunker down, pals.

This entry is prompted by a couple of recent stories about Hillary Clinton’s upcoming book. Excerpts are being released here and there as the book is hyped. First was the part about how the Yam was creeping on her at the one debate. There was also a bit about how Sanders’ attacks contributed to her loss. To be fair, she also claims full responsibility for the loss, because she was the candidate, after all. But then she continues to blame others.

When the excerpt about how she wishes she’d “gone nuclear” on James Comey came out, that was just a bridge too far for me. Don’t mess with James! Not on my watch!
Okay, okay, I know I’m biased here. I’m in total fangirl mode. And honestly, everyone knows that I was a proud and enthusiastic supporter of Hillary, and I was happy to cast my vote for her. But something about this just strikes me as so...off. I posted on Facebook that I really don’t feel like reading her book and it led to a very good discussion, which made me want to write more about it here.

I think that plenty of us were traumatized to such an extent by the outcome of the election (as well as the ongoing actions of the current administration) that we are just ready to move on and start working on the future rather than relitigating the past. She has every right to voice her thoughts and I hope she will continue to be a force in the Democratic party. She is a smart and formidable woman who has plenty of ideas and I completely disagree with anyone who says she should “sit down and shut up.”

But can she maybe be a force behind the scenes?

Friends commented that she has valid points when it comes to people to blame. I don’t disagree that many of the players were a part of her loss, including Sanders and Comey (Jaaaaaames). But it is absurd to blame it on any one person or any of several people. It was a total shitstorm of circumstances, and yes, plenty of the blame goes to her.

I can’t begin to tell you how conflicted I am about this because I truly did support her. It wasn’t a matter of “I don’t like her but I’ll hold my nose and vote for her.” I thought, and still think, that she was the most qualified to be President, and I think she would have been a good one. I feel almost guilty about my feelings about this, like it’s kind of a betrayal. I still love ya, Hills, but I really think it’s time to move on.

And that goes for much of the “older guard” of the Democratic party. I respect and admire many of these folks, and I adore Joe Biden. But NO. Don’t run for President again. I feel the same way about Sanders and Warren. Continue to make your mark in the Senate. You can do good things there and have a big influence. Can we have some younger blood, asked the 55-year-old?

Non-gratuitous picture of Comey

Many of my friends are still angry about Comey, but I still get his reasoning and understand his rationale. I’m not going to belabor the point, though. I’m not going to change their minds and they aren’t going to change mine. I’ve read enough and watched enough about his thinking to believe that he was doing it from a standpoint of how best to protect the FBI and the DOJ from any sort of partisan label. I’m really not sure how anyone can think that he was for one side or the other...he was directing investigations of both sides.

While I’m on the subject of Comey, the latest brouhaha is that he was drafting a memo that was circulated within a small group of FBI higher-ups. Some are up in arms, claiming that he’d decided the outcome of the Clinton email investigation well before the FBI closed the case and even before they’d interviewed Clinton herself. My initial thought was, “A draft memo doesn’t mean that.” He didn’t close the investigation until everyone was interviewed, but it doesn’t surprise me that he saw which way the investigation was going and that it probably wouldn’t result in any charges. He was a prosecutor, remember, so he knew what was prosecutable and what wasn’t. If things had changed, the outcome of the investigation would have changed. A draft memo circulated amongst a small group doesn’t mean that he’d made up his mind. I’ve read that it is not uncommon for court decisions to be written up as a draft before the final verdict is made. So this is a silly criticism.

Anyway...jeez, I’m tired. Sometimes I just get so tired of all the chatter, you know? I’m ready to move forward.

Beth’s Books - Enemies: A History of the FBI by Tim Weiner

I’ve made no bones about my fascination with former FBI Director James Comey, Special Counsel Robert Mueller III (also a former FBI Director) and his investigation into “Russiagate,” and the FBI in general. As I’ve said before, if I had my career to do over again, I’d definitely consider a lab job with the FBI. Wouldn’t that be fascinating and rewarding? I sure think so.

Anyway, I came across this book and thought it would be interesting to read up on the birth and history of the Bureau. I wasn’t disappointed! Here are a few of my takeaways.

1. I would be fascinated to pick an FBI agent’s brain (or a former Director’s...call me, Dir. Comey!) about their thoughts on J. Edgar Hoover. Good grief, what a conundrum! On one hand, he made the FBI into the powerhouse that it is, consolidating power and making it a force to be feared (and too often, hated). But wow, he did some really bad things. He circumvented the rule of law and sometimes just ignored the law entirely. I have read that Director Comey kept a copy of the letter signed by Hoover authorizing the illegal wiretap of Martin Luther King, Jr. on his desk to remind him of the abuses possible in the office, and it was practice to require new recruits to visit the Holocaust Museum in DC to remind them of the same thing. Comey added a requirement for recruits to visit the MLK Memorial as an added reminder.
2. The FBI wasn’t computerized at all until the 1990s and they didn’t have an extensive network until much later than that. Can you imagine doing the kind of work they do without computers?
3. There was some discussion of moles within the Bureau. There are many reasons that people “turn,” but I had to wonder, “How could anyone betray their country that way?” I cannot imagine that kind of treason, no matter how much money was thrown at me or what kind of blackmail or perks. Beyond the dishonesty and betrayal of it, you’d have to know that you’d eventually get found out, right? How stupid.
4. The saga of Director Mueller and then-Deputy AG Comey defending AG John Ashcroft while he was in the hospital, fending off the nefarious efforts of the Bush administration (in the form of Andrew Card and Alberto Gonzales) to continue the unconstitutional Stellar Wind program that collected personal information on pretty much everyone, read like a spy thriller!
5. I was surprised to read how close the FBI came to being dismantled entirely in the mid-aughts, due to the practices and directives of the Bush administration.
6. That was staved off partly due to the efforts of Robert Mueller who is obviously an impressive person. He reshaped the Bureau into something that was more honorable and above-board than it had been for many years, and I believe that James Comey continued that culture of accountability until you-know-who fired him and I will never like you-know-who because he did that, so there.

I’ll include a couple of passages that I found particularly interesting.

“Nixon believed that if a president did it, it was not illegal.”

Remind you of anyone?

“The Watergate hearings convened by the Senate wrung damning testimony out of Nixon’s foot soldiers. Pivotal stories in the press laid out the facts. But the information, almost all of it, had its source in the work of the FBI. And the information had a gathering strength, each rivulet flowing together into a mighty river, the force that lets water cut through solid rock. Backed by federal grand juries and the prosecutors who led them, the FBI’s investigators preserved the rule of law against the obstruction of justice. And under law, the agents were accomplishing an act of creative destruction that the radicals of the Left could only dream of achieving. They were bringing down the president of the United States.”

Again...remind you of anything? Robert Mueller, save us! More on Mueller.

“Mueller had a sharp mind, a first-rate temperament, and a high regard for well-crafted cases. The future director of the FBI was a born leader. And he was a marine.”

I especially like that “well-crafted case” part. If I were you-know-who, I would be very worried.

And finally, because Comey is still my homey, this on his efforts to protest the unconstitutionality of the Stellar Wind program.

“Comey was a persuasive advocate. One of the FBI’s favorite prosecutors, the grandson of an Irish police commissioner, he had worked with skill and intensity on terrorism cases as the United States attorney in Manhattan for two years after the al-Qaeda attacks. The trust vested in him that day showed that the awe-inspiring force of American national security rested on personal relationships as well as statutory powers.”

I just bet he’s persuasive! [grin]

This took me a while to read, partly because it was a little dry in spots, but mostly because I eased up on my book-reading while I enjoyed the summer. I still read plenty on my news feed, because there was plenty to read, wasn’t there? Great googly-moogly. This book really started to buzz for me when I got into the more recent history because this is stuff that I remember, and I enjoyed reading about the background of those things. I was still kind of young when Watergate happened, so I probably need to read a book about that, too.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep living and experiencing the Russiagate investigation in real-time, and know that Mueller’s efforts will be thorough and meticulous AND that Comey will be vindicated.

Generosity and Gratitude

Thank you for the party

But I could never stay

Many thangs is on my mind

Words in the way

I want to thank you falettinme

Be mice elf agin

~~ “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)” by Sly and the Family Stone

I mentioned in a previous entry that I had a great birthday and the best part was the generosity of my family and friends who contributed to my birthday fundraiser for the Southern Poverty Law Center.

My fundraiser ended today and I am blown away by where I ended up. My goal was $50 and thanks to all of the amazing people I know, I raised $450!!

I honestly cannot begin to express how grateful I am to everyone who contributed. I’m not at a loss for words very often, but you all have left me speechless. (Ken would like to know your secret!)

I know that sometimes it seems like we can’t make a difference, and I know this was just a drop in the bucket. (If I ever win the lottery—which won’t happen until I start playing—I would have a blast figuring out where to give a bunch of it away!) But I still believe that seemingly small actions can make a difference. Something as simple and as easy as a smile can turn someone’s day around.

via GIPHY

Never underestimate the power of kindness. Together we can make the world a better and kinder place. It won’t happen overnight, but every step in that direction is a positive one.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Sun in an Empty Room

Cassandra stood in the empty living room and looked around. Dust motes swam in the sunlit air but nothing else stirred.

It had been a difficult year for her and Jack. They had lost quite a bit of money when the stock market crashed and they had managed to hang on in some rather creative ways. As she looked around the house, she thought about the backyard, out near the trees. She told herself that it would be fine.

She took one last walk through the house. As she walked up the stairs to the second floor, the stairs creaked in all the places that she expected them to, and it brought a smile to her face. If she knew little else, she knew where the squeaky boards were. She ran a finger up the balustrade and noticed the little trails her fingers left in the dust. She had been neglecting the house cleaning lately and she vowed to keep a tidier place wherever she landed next.

When she reached the landing, she turned to the left and walked down the hallway. On her right, the white-tiled bathroom glowed in the afternoon sun. The faucet in the bathtub was dripping slowly, a slight ‘plink’ echoing in the empty room every time a drop fell. She walked over to the tub, her heels clicking on the hexagonal tiles, and tightened the handles. The drip stopped.

She returned to the hallway and continued down to her and Jack’s bedroom. She stopped in the doorway as she looked around the empty room, thinking of the way their bed caught the early morning light and how when she would protest the sunlight, Jack would put his hand over her eyes, and then when she laughed, he would kiss her and they would make love, the air cool but their hands warm.

She walked to the window and opened it, leaning out to smell the scent of the pines. She closed her eyes and inhaled. She would remember this smell for as long as she lived.

She closed and locked the window and turned to leave the room. On her way out, she saw a feather by the floorboard near the door. She bent and picked it up. It wasn’t from a wild bird; it was from her feather pillow. It must have been from the time that Jack got angry and pulled a gun on her. She had rolled off the bed before he fired, and although she had survived, her pillow had not. She rubbed the feather between her thumb and forefinger and went back to the stairs.

When she got back down to the first floor, she went left into the kitchen. There was still enough sun this afternoon that the kitchen glowed. The turquoise metal cabinets were pristine and she still loved the color. She hoped her next place would have cabinets that she loved as much as these. She opened the cabinet door where she had stored her spices and the smell of cinnamon, basil, and other spices lingered. The black and white linoleum floor was clean, and one would have to examine closely, perhaps on their hands and knees, to see any stains.

She looked at the stove and the countertop nearby. Everything looked clean, but...what was that under the metal edge of the counter? A small dark spot. She picked at it with her fingernail and was satisfied when it flaked off and vanished in the air. She leaned back against the counter and looked around. As far as she could tell, nothing remained of the night she found Jack with Ginny.

She and Jack had always had an agreement, one that allowed for certain dalliances, but that depended upon the premise that it would always end. In a most permanent way. When Cassandra came home early and found Jack and Ginny in the kitchen, she understood that this was not going to end in the usual way. At least not as far as she and Jack had always planned it. Jack said he was in love with Ginny, no matter that she had recently gotten married to the owner of the Hula Room. No matter that Cassandra and Jack had been partners in both love and...other collaborations...for ten years.

Cassandra had never really liked Ginny, so that wasn’t hard. But she had genuinely loved Jack and felt that he was her partner for life. They had been through many adventures, some bad, but most of them good, and everything that needed to be hidden, they hid together. Things had been really good for a while there, Cassandra thought. But maybe she didn’t know as much as she thought she did. She shrugged. Oh, well.

As she walked out of the kitchen, she touched the sharp corner of the counter on the way out. After she had taken care of Ginny with the cast-iron frying pan, Jack had tried to grab her, but she had spun away from him and it put him off-balance. When he went down, he hit his head on that corner. She watched him, and she thought about doing something to save him, but when his eyes went to Ginny and he reached a hand to her, rather than Cassandra, she stepped back. “What happened to loyalty, Jack?” she had asked him. He had groaned, and didn’t say anything, and then he had died.

Oh, well.

She had cleaned up as best she could. It was much easier when Jack was helping her and she missed him. At least in that regard. It was much harder to dig a grave on her own, let alone a grave big enough for two!

Cassandra shook her head and shook off the memories. She left the kitchen, walked out the front door, and closed it behind her.

As she stepped out onto the porch, she realized she was still clutching the feather from her pillow in her hand. She let it go and watched it float away.

*** I love Edward Hopper's paintings because they make me think of things, and stories, and situations. This is a follow-up to my Cape Cod Morning story about another Hopper painting. I'm thinking that you don't want to mess with Cassandra!

Our eyes are open

There's a madman looking at you

And he wants to take your soul

There's a madman with a mad plan

And he's dancing at your door

Oh, what to do, oh

What to do

When the walls are built to crumble

There's a madman with a mad plan

And he waits for us to stumble

Oh, but our eyes are open

Yeah, they're really open

I say we rob from the rich

And blow down the door

On to the next

To dance with the poor

Jump on my shoulders

You can jump on my shoulders

~~ “Jump On My Shoulders” by AWOLNATION

Today (technically yesterday) was my birthday and it was a very pleasant one!

After running a couple of errands (my favorite clerk at the grocery store said, “Nice to see you!”), I did some of my favorite things. I listened to some great music and discovered some new stuff; I watered my plants and picked a bunch of cherry tomatoes and another zucchini; I finalized plans for us to meet up with some of my favorite people in the world Wednesday night; I watched some video of James Comey and petted the kitty. Sheeba was a happy cat.

What??

I wore some of my favorite things, including one of my “Lordy I hope there are tapes” t-shirts (yes, I have two), a pair of Daryl Dixon socks, and my book earrings that are the cover of The Stand. For a while, when it was warm in the afternoon, I was able to walk around without pants. What can I say? Little things make me happy.

Then I got some beautiful roses from Ken and opened my cards, and they all made me smile.

Throughout the day, I got well wishes from so many of my family and friends on Facebook and I think I managed to respond to each and every one! If I missed a couple, it is entirely my fault. There was a smile on my face for pretty much the entire day and that is nothing to sneeze at, my friends!

The absolute best thing, the thing that made me cry happy tears, was that this year, Facebook suggested a thing where you can “donate” your birthday to the cause of your choice. I got that notice about a week and a half ago, and after vacillating between Planned Parenthood and the Southern Poverty Law Center, I chose the latter. I donate to PP often and in the wake of Charlottesville, I thought the SPLC was an important cause to champion.

Facebook suggests a goal of $200 to start out with, but I wanted to go low-ball. I figured that maybe people would donate a buck or two, and if enough of my friends did that, it would mount up pretty quickly. So I set my goal at $50.

I was stunned when my very first donation was $50! I had already met my goal!

Today got even better. Multiple people donated today and as I write this, my family and friends have donated $370 to the SPLC and I am absolutely blown away. (I thanked everyone there, so I won’t repeat the thanks here.)

There are still three days left, so if you want to donate to my birthday fundraiser, you can do so here!

This was a small (but wonderful) reminder of the generosity of people and we are seeing that played out exponentially when it comes to our friends in Texas and on the Gulf Coast. It seems like lately we have been seeing the worst of humanity, so the generosity of my friends today and the generosity of the American people to our fellow citizens in Texas has been beyond uplifting. It has, for the moment, restored my faith in humanity.

I still believe that our innate goodness will win and I still believe that there are more of us than there are of them.

A huge and heartfelt thank you to everyone who donated today, whether to my fundraiser or to organizations like the Red Cross. This has been a wonderful reminder that we are stronger together and that when we help each other, we can do good, and sometimes even great, things.

Peace, love, and gratitude to all who choose to make a positive difference.

Eclipse Addendum

Teach your children well

~~ “Teach Your Children” by CSNY

When I wrote about the eclipse in my previous entry, I mentioned that one of the coolest things was seeing the awe on the faces of kids (and even adults!) in various pictures.

My friend Jillian posted these photos of her and Neal’s daughters on Facebook and I was so charmed by them that I asked her permission to share them. This is exactly what I was talking about.

Seeing this fascination and delight on their faces is something that we can all hold onto and rejoice in. Jillian was a student in the lab where I worked and it was a pleasure to be a part of her training; we went on to become colleagues and friends and she is one of the finest techs I have ever worked with. Knowing that she is fostering a love of science and a curiosity about the world in her daughters just does my heart good.

I wonder how many youngsters, female or male, watched that eclipse on Monday and decided that they want to pursue a career in science?

The future is now.

Under the same sun (and moon)

Peeking through a pinhole, the eclipse has begun

The shadow tag of sun and moon washes over us and everyone

Lives that overlap without ever seeing that it's so

And you say hold me close

Don't let me go

~~ “Eclipse Has Begun” by The Rainmakers

Like millions of others across North America today, I spent my afternoon watching the eclipse. We were not in the 70-mile swath of totality, but we did okay at 86%, which still promised to be a helluva show. I recall seeing other eclipses over the years, but none that were this extensive. I was genuinely excited about this.

I got my glasses a few weeks ago, thank goodness, when they were cheap and plentiful! It was amazing to hear that they were selling out and the ones that were available were going for ridiculous prices. I guess price-gougers will never stop plaguing us, huh?

I knew the exact time I needed to be outside, so I got my necessary chores done well before that. I got my chair and my table all set up and made my eclipse cocktail, which I decided to call a Nutwood Nocturne. Two parts orange juice with one part dark rum poured on top so that the darkness floats on top of the orange juice. A similar drink is called a Cuban Screw or simply a Rum Screwdriver, but I liked my variation with the dark spiced rum. So I sort of made it up. It didn’t look as pretty when I mixed it all up, but it tasted really good!

The Nutwood Nocturne

I settled down for the long haul and got my glasses on. It started exactly when they said it would, to the minute, because science! It was thrilling to see that first little bite taken out of the side. The moon’s movement was almost imperceptible to track but that shadow kept getting bigger and bigger.

I had no idea that it would be as fascinating as it was. I was almost mesmerized. It was a hot and humid day and I was sitting right in the sun, so it made me feel drowsy...but I was still wide awake, if that makes sense. The glasses gave the sun an almost sepia tone, so it felt very dreamlike. We have some tall cottonwood trees that the sun had to pass behind, just the tops of the branches, and I remember looking at those cottonwood leaves fluttering against the disc of the sun and thinking how lovely it all was. I also remember thinking, “I feel like I’m tripping.” Haha!

A couple of times, the scene almost seemed to skip, like a movie frame catching on the reel for a split second. It was surreal and somewhat disorienting, especially to watch the entire thing happen so slowly and gradually. The birds were very active around me, with hummingbirds checking me out, and a downy woodpecker even brushing against me as it flew from one deck railing to another and I happened to be in the way.

Eclipse CentComm

Because we still had 14% sun remaining, it didn’t get dark at all. I was amazed that only 14% of the sun still cast shadows. But the quality of the light changed. I made sure to look around me to see if I could notice a difference, and I definitely did. Things had an odd, flat tone to them, and although there were still shadows, they weren’t as definite. The colors of things seemed somewhat washed out.

The birds did get quiet for a while as we reached the peak and it was amazingly quiet. I could hear a few birds chirping in the distance as well as a squirrel chattering, but even the sounds seemed muted, too.

Because it was so hot and humid, the biggest difference I noticed was the drop in temperature. It felt very comfortable during the peak time and I cooled off considerably. It was hot in the sun and I think I even got a bit of an eclipse burn!

Our mail carrier, Chris, came by to deliver some packages, and it was right during the peak of the eclipse. He saw what I was doing and said, “Hey, you’ve got the glasses! Do you mind if I take a look?”

I said, “No, not at all!” I handed the glasses down to him (we have a raised deck) and said, “This is exactly peak time, too!”

He put them on and stood in the yard and looked up. “WOW.” He looked for a moment and then handed them back. “You know, I wasn’t sure this was going to be any kind of a big deal, but that is really cool.” He said, “Thirty years from now if someone asks me where I was, I’ll remember that I was delivering packages at your house!” So it was a genuinely nice moment. We bonded over the eclipse.

And that is the main thing that I took away from this. I mean, the science of it all is mind-boggling, to think of how many miles away this was and how fast the moon was moving through space, but how slowly it encroached upon the sun...man, that just blows my mind. But as I lay there watching it, I thought about all the people who were watching the same thing. Family, friends, strangers...they were all watching the same moon and the same sun, sitting on the same planet Earth as I was, at that very moment or at some point during the day.

It made me feel small, but in a good way. A small part of this vast, amazing universe, someone who can still be awed by its beauties, its wonders, and its mysteries. It made me think that we are all small parts of this immense machinery but that doesn’t mean that small parts can’t make a difference. Small parts can work together to make big changes. Those changes can be good or bad (think climate change...or the efforts to mitigate it). I know what side I want to be on.

Or maybe I just thought about it too much. But when you’re laying back staring at the sun for three hours, your mind does start to wander! I also like to think about things. There are always lessons to be learned and things to ponder.

Some people say that seeing an eclipse is a life-changing experience for them. I wouldn’t go that far (although I might feel differently when I see totality in 2024), especially because I have pondered these things before. But I will say that it was an emotional experience for me and seeing the photos of people—especially kids—watching with smiles and awed expressions on their faces was pretty damn cool.

It’s dismayingly hard to find things to agree upon these days. I think today we all agreed that the universe is really freaking awesome.