Your last normal day

It's just another day, there's murder in the air
It drags me when I walk, I smell it everywhere
It's just another day where people cling to light
To drive away the fear that comes with every night

~~ "Just Another Day" by Oingo Boingo

In one of the many newsletters I read every day, the author posed an interesting question that someone had posed to him: when was your last normal day?

I thought about it and it didn't take me long to come up with the answer: March 7th. I had to pull up the calendar to make sure that was right because that was over three weeks ago! But yes, it was correct. Ken and I went downtown and met Shane and Matt at one of our favorite places, Woochi, for some Asian fusion cuisine. We had wonderful meals (as always), we had warm sake (also as always), and we had fun chatting about this and that. Then we walked down to the Morris and enjoyed a wonderful show, The Lion King. After the show, we had a drink at WXYZ Bar and talked about how much we enjoyed the show, and it was a very enjoyable evening. We walked back to our cars and parted ways with hugs all around. 

Shit, thinking about all that makes me want to cry. It seems like forever ago. I miss our nights out and I miss Shane and Matt. I miss my sisters and I miss my Mom. I miss seeing friends out and about and miss the buzz of a crowd enjoying a show. When I think about it, it's kind of dumb because I don't mind being at home and am actually quite content here. Even as introverted as I am, I still need an occasional boost from being around dear friends and family. It's hard to realize that we can't have that for a while. 

I went out to the grocery store after that but there was already plenty of buzz about social isolation and being careful. About a week after, we were set to have a fundraiser for the non-profit at one of our local favorites, South Bend Brew Werks. On the morning of the fundraiser, Ken got an email from the owner, Steve, who said that they were closing at noon and the fundraiser was off. That's when we knew shit was going to get real. I went to the store again the day after that and that was the last time I had been out until today. 

I had to go to pick up a prescription so decided to stock up for the long haul. I'm already well-stocked, but I wanted to get lots of fresh produce and will work on using that up. I'm sure I'll need to go out again at some point, but it will be a while. Being at the store today was a very strange experience. I felt very anxious. I felt in a hurry. I felt almost claustrophobic every time someone got a little too near. The stores weren't crowded and everyone behaved themselves but I still felt weirded out. I had no desire to dawdle and my main goal was to get what I needed and get out. The roads and parking lots weren't deserted, by any means, and I saw no stark images of desolation like the photos we're seeing of places like Times Square and Bourbon Street...usually bustling places that are now deserted. I'm sure our downtown area is a little more desolate because so many of those establishments are now shuttered. 

Usually, I enjoy being out in my Mustang, blasting some fun music, hearing that engine roar...today I felt like a little old lady, keeping my eye out for other cars more than usual, listening to our local NPR station as our Governor had a conference call with people around the state. I felt like I was paranoid and on high alert. Like danger was just around the corner! 

That's a little overly dramatic...but not by much. It was surreal. I posted a little about it on Facebook after I got home and I was both heartened and dismayed to see that others had had that same feeling when they had to go out. It was heartening because it was good to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings, but it was also dismaying to see that others are experiencing those same feelings. A couple of dear friends even said that they cried after they got home. That just broke my heart. 

This is anxiety-inducing for everyone. So please, please don't hesitate to reach out to others for support. Hit me up anytime if you need an ear. I'm not an endless wellspring of either strength or information but I will do my level best to listen and do what I can to answer your questions or just provide a word of encouragement. And believe me, there may come a time when I ask for encouragement myself. 

This is going to be weird for a while and we're going to start seeing some pretty grim numbers in the next couple of weeks. There is no getting around that. That kind of thing is out of our control. What we can control is our response. Will we treat others with kindness or hatred? Will we let fear control us or will we temper our fear with reliable information and science? Will we grasp desperately at nonsensical conspiracy theories or will we use our brains and THINK? 

I know what I plan on doing—and part of dealing with this is most definitely thinking things through and planning—and I hope you know what to do, too. Peace, love, rock & roll, and handwashing! 

Lost in the Supermarket

I've been having some unpleasant dreams lately, most of which I believe are about anxiety. Some have been downright terrifying, but most are just general, free-form weirdness with an underlying feeling of dread.

The other night was particularly bad. Things began innocently enough, with talking to my friend Aubrey (we recently had lunch, so that's where that came from), and nothing seemed amiss. Then I was talking to my friend Greg, also from the lab. Nothing weird about the conversation, which took place in the lab, but he was wearing shorts and a tank top, and that's when things started going wrong. You don't wear shorts and a tank top in the lab. It was a jarring enough inconsistency that in my dream, I sat on the floor with my legs splayed out, hung my head, and said, "This has to be a dream."

It morphed into the setting of a house I didn't know. My Mom was there, and we were sleeping in the same bed. She asked me, "Do you want to say that prayer now?" I said, "No," and she said, "Okay," rolled over and went to sleep. I was making a cat toy of feathers and tossing it up into the air, although I don't recall a cat being there. There was a woman in the house, and she was wearing an evening gown. She stood out on the balcony with the sliding glass door open, and I said, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to close that door. It's very cold in here." She smiled and did so.

It all sounds innocent enough as I type it, but I can't begin to convey the feeling of dread, dismay, and wrongness that overlaid everything. There were several times that I thought as I did early on: "I know I'm dreaming," but it all felt so vivid and completely real that I was sure it was happening. So you can imagine my terror when my dream culminated with me lying in bed, opening my eyes, and seeing someone or something leaning over me with bared teeth and dead eyes, snarling and ready to chew my face off. As is often the case in dreams, I was paralyzed with fear, and could only moan, "Noooooo oh god nooooooo," which finally, thankfully, woke me up for real. There was a moment of heart-pounding panic, as I tried to figure out where I was, and whether or not I was awake or still dreaming. Whew.

I had another one tonight when I napped on the loveseat, but at least this one wasn't as terrifying. I was at the grocery store, and I recall being horribly unfocused and unable to complete my task. I was trying to find a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper, and I could only find cases. At one point, I had a case of 7-Up in my hand, and sat it down with disgust, as in, "That's not what I want! Why am I carrying this around?" I can laugh about it now, because it sounds silly, but in my dream, I was walking endlessly back and forth in the aisle, trying to find that goddamn 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. I recall wondering if they were seeing me on the security cameras and wondering what was wrong with me. I felt incapable, stupid, and incompetent. For me, that IS a nightmare! I eventually ran into my friend Jay (also from the lab), and he gave me a big hug, so that was nice. That one had a decent ending rather than the terrifying one earlier in the week.

I know it's all a reflection of the generalized anxiety I'm feeling about things in general, and I'll just ride it out as my psyche dumps all the detritus into my dreams. I can handle the vaguely unpleasant, but that one the other night is lingering. I find dreams fascinating, and I'm wondering if writing such things down will help me wrest a little control over them? Usually my dreams are fairly pleasant, if nonsensical, easily forgotten. If I continue to have these anxiety dreams, I think writing them down might help me get a handle on them.

The supermarket dream tonight had an unexpected and happy benefit, as it reminded me of one of my favorite Clash songs, "Lost in the Supermarket." Although known for their anger and outrage at the inequities of the haves vs. the have-nots, this song is almost wistful in its search for meaning in the banality of life, our society's promise of happiness through consumerism, and our increasing isolation. If you think I'm reading too much into the song, go right ahead. Songs speak to people in different ways, and this song speaks to me.

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for the special offer
A guaranteed personality

I wasn't born so much as I fell out
Nobody seemed to notice me
We had a hedge back home in the suburbs
Over which I never could see

I heard the people who lived on the ceiling
Scream and fight most scarily
Hearing that noise was my first ever feeling
That's how it's been all around me

I'm all tuned in I see all the programmes
I save coupons from packets of tea
I've got my giants hit discotheque album
I empty a bottle I feel a bit free

Kids in the halls and the pipes in the walls
Making noises for company
Long distance callers make long distance calls
And the silence makes me lonely

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for the special offer
A guaranteed personality

It's not here, it disappeared.

High anxiety

Are we all getting settled in?

I feel so behind...I can barely keep up with the emails about all of this stuff! For my friends from work who have emailed me, I'll get back to you as soon as possible! And for all of the folks I read, I'll get to reading your latest soon.

I've been trying to update my new info on places like Technorati, and I think I'm getting that kind of stuff taken care of. I still need to send out a mass email to relatives to tell them about the Big Move of '08. Ha ha!

I've also managed to get some things done today--a trip to the grocery store, washing a few dishes, and getting the load of laundry in the dryer folded. That would be the load that I totally forgot about last night! Agh! We also ate really late last night because we were both working on this, and I think that's why I had some very strange dreams....

In one, I was in the house where I grew up. I was walking from the kitchen to the dining room, and I was wearing a white pantsuit with white heels--I looked at myself in the reflection of the sliding glass door, and thought I looked fairly good in my white pantsuit! I went over to the dining room table, took a cigarette out of a pack laying on the table. I struck a wooden match, lit the cigarette, and took a deep drag. I looked down at the table, and there was an entire carton laying there--Marlboro Lights, if I recall. Ken had a pack laying on the table, too. I remember thinking, "What are we doing? We QUIT smoking! We've got to stop this!" I was very anxiety- and guilt-ridden.

The other dream was a very brief one, but disturbing. When Ken leaves for work, he always comes in and kisses me good-bye. In my dream, he came in and was leaning over me, kissing me on the neck, and I touched his face. His face was covered up with a scarf or something...then I realized that Ken was still laying beside me in bed! AAAAHHH! I woke up with a start, and had a ripple of goosebumps flow over me. It was the creepiest feeling!

[putting on my dream analysis hat]

These two seem fairly straightforward. It's all about anxiety. Hearing that AOL was discontinuing journals, and the subsequent scramble for information and to get this new blog up and running meant for a crazy day. As many of you know, Ken and I quit smoking over two years ago (Yay for us!), but in times of stress, my brain reverts to what I used to do to relieve stress--pick up a cigarette. Of course, that resulted in feelings of guilt, and more anxiety. The creepy neck-kissing dream was just more anxiety, but in a scarier way.

I'm hoping that my dreams will be a little more pleasant tonight, and an earlier dinner should help! (This blog is a nonsmoking establishment, by the way. But feel free to step outside if you need to. :)