A Tale of Two Videos

The other night on a Facebook post, I mentioned Celine Dion in derogatory terms. I can't remember the exact wording, but I believe I was apologizing to the world for Sarah Palin, and said that she was worse than a hundred Celine Dions, or some such thing. I know that some people like her. I'm not going to try to convince anyone not to, but I also have no qualms about reiterating my utter contempt for the woman. I do not find her music entertaining. I find it abhorrent. (Please note that I am able to separate the person from the product; she may be a very nice and likable person. However, her musical output is not my cup of tea, to put it mildly.)

Inevitably, the craptastic video of her and Anastasia's cover of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" came up. Because I brought it up. It is a mockery of all that is sacred (or profane) in rock and roll, and a complete travesty of what is a genuine rock and roll classic. It is generally considered to be among the top worst song covers of all time. Take a look.

Let's talk about what is wrong here.

First and foremost, you've got a woman singing this song. I'm all for cool rock chicks, but they do better with their own music, and I'm not sure that anyone without testicles should be singing AC/DC. It's a little jarring to hear her singing about the guy knocking her out with his American thighs, because a discussion of thighs usually occurs when a man is talking about a woman. You know, thigh high stockings, wrapping of said thighs around something, running hands down them...guys like thighs. They sing about them. Male thighs, although appreciated, are generally not celebrated in female song.

Then there is her voice. It is much better suited to ballads and love songs, not a balls-to-the-wall rock song like this one. Anastasia has a voice fairly well-suited to rock, so her participation in this isn't quite as embarrassing. But then they actually do harmonies in this song. Harmonies? Why? Someone please tell me...why?!

Air guitar. She does freakin' air guitar. Not once, but several times. We do not do air guitar in public, unless it's as a joke among close friends. VERY close friends. Air guitar is a private act, much like masturbation. If you masturbate in front of thousands, you're more than likely a porn star. If you do air guitar in front of thousands, you're just an asshole.

She attempts Angus Young's Chuck Berry-esque guitar strut. In her cropped pants, angel-sleeve top, and high heels. Then she does more air guitar, and does some sort of Saturday Night Fever pointing to the sky. Or maybe she's channeling Babe Ruth. I don't know. It just looks idiotic. She does some sort of strange dance at the end that Shane felt was reminiscent of a road runner. Ooo. Rock on, Celine.

There are plenty of high-fives going around, accompanied by shouts of "C'mon, girlfriend!" Celine actually high-fives the guitarist after their solo. (I say "their," because I'm not sure if that guitarist is male or female.) That is SO not rock and roll.

She does duckface. Pay attention, everyone. Duckface is not attractive. It looks stupid.

Now let's look at the original video by AC/DC. Yes, it's bigger. Because it's better.

Now we're talkin'! (A little Beth trivia here. When I lived in Indianapolis, I was part of a bachelor/bachelorette fundraiser for cystic fibrosis, in which we got donations and a date package put together, then auctioned off our "date." When I did the catwalk, I had them play "You Shook Me All Night Long." Why? 'Cause I rock, that's why.)

First, remember that this was from AC/DC's first album after the death of the amazing Bon Scott. There have been very few bands to survive the death of such a charismatic and talented singer as Bon, but AC/DC totally kicked ass with "Back In Black." It's one of the best rock albums of all time (in my book), and this is an iconic rock song.

Brian Johnson has a fantastic rock screech. I don't know how guys sing like that, but it's really a great rock and roll voice.

You've got a chick with thigh high stockings, writhing on a bed, and riding a mechanical bull. Chicks in skimpy outfits riding bikes. Not that I'm into that (I'm a meat and potatoes gal, thanks), but that's so rock and roll. Brian Johnson opens the bedroom door and drops everything when he sees what is inside. On a song from the same album, Brian sings, "I asked you if you wanted any rhythm and love, you said you wanna rock and roll instead." Seeing Celine do "You Shook Me All Night Long" has all the sex appeal of a banana slug.

Finally, two words: Angus Young. This little snot is one of the greatest guitarists ever, and seeing him in his schoolboy outfit duckwalking across the stage as he whips that guitar into a frenzy is one of my little pleasures in life. Angus is awesome. He can get away with duckface, too, because he's not doing it to be cute. On him, it's a sneer. Guitar is sexy; guitar is cool; guitar is fun; guitar is mean and amazing and touching and generates emotions that are indescribable. (At least for me.) Is Angus sexy? No, not really. Is his guitar-playing? Uh huh.

That is my "compare and contrast" on the two videos, and that is why I do not like Celine Dion. She took one of rock's greatest songs and made it laughable. That is unforgivable in my book.

The End.