I’m not sure what my dealio is lately, but I’ve been in serious solitary mode. I’ve written about this before, about how I’m very much an introvert, and that I feel most relaxed when alone or with just Ken, or a few good friends. (Thank goodness Ken is similar in that regard...neither of us is the clingy type, and I don’t feel neglected because he works long hours. Some people can’t handle that, but it’s cool with me.)
I’ve been feeling a self-imposed isolation more acutely lately, though. I find myself just completely immersed in reading, whether it’s news stories online or books. I’m kind of burnt out on the Republican primaries (honestly, I can only take so much vomit-inducing—to borrow Santorum’s imagery—rhetoric, and this primary has it in abundance), but I’ve been reading a lot about the Supreme Court arguments on the Affordable Care Act. I really don’t know how it’s going to go down, and just like everyone else, I’ll have to wait until late June to hear the ruling.
I’ve been tearing it up when it comes to books, and I’m making very good progress on the book club list. I mix those on the list up with other books, ones about politics, science, atheism/religion, and some just for fun. I’m not sure what this sense of urgency is that I’m feeling, but maybe it’s a matter of there just being so much that I want to read. I’ve been doing well on my workouts, an hour a day six
days a week (I rest on Sunday, haha), enjoying lots of cool new music I’ve been finding while I work out, and when it’s nice out, I sit out on the deck and...well, read. I find myself backing away from confrontation in discussions on Facebook, and I’m not sure what is causing that. I sometimes enjoy a good debate, but I find that online debates do little to further the discussion; there are some people who are able to rationally and reasonably discuss things, and I enjoy exchanging ideas with them. There are others who just kind of flip out and start attacking people (I’m still laughing over a friend of a friend calling me ‘lil gal’), and I’ve found that I can either go ballistic back and let them harsh my mellow, or I can walk away. I’ve been choosing the latter, because I just don’t like getting that upset—and my blood pressure doesn’t like it, either! So I can honestly say that I feel very content and happy, while at the same time realizing that I need to be careful about not being too isolated. I’m not overly worried about myself, because I still have a great time getting together with Shane and Matt, or with many other family members and friends. It’s very easy for me to be insular, so I have to work at it to make sure I don’t isolate myself too much. It would be way too easy for me to turn into a crazy hoarding cat lady. Or even a cat hoarding crazy lady.
While I think that I understand your worries, I am sure that I can allay your fears. You mention that you have Ken and your cousin Shane as social outlets beyond the internet. I think that people who 'live' on the 'net are suffering from a form of disassociation, a psychosis of sorts, which is why they seem to live through their 'subconscious on-line avatars'.
ReplyDeleteYou don't seem to do that. Mentioning that you try not to let others 'harsh your mellow' is a sign that you are not struggling with who you are but I think that you are dealing with trying to conform the illogical personas to a standard of rational behavior that simply doesn't exist on the internet.
Do I ever worry about being alone? NOPE! I enjoy meeting people and being social, especially here in Omaha. The other day an older man, an educator, came up and started a chat at the grocer's as I was locking up my bike. I stood for a good 15 minutes listening to what was a very interesting story and thanked him for sharing it with me. I think that we both got the opportunity to leave feeling a little bit brighter for our chance encounter. I have enough of those throughout my day, and for me, it affirms enough about how I feel than anything I can find on the internet.
Facebook is a place where people put on masks, spew their ignorance and whine. I try to be as irreverent as I can and seeing if I can't rattle someone here and there. It annoys the HECK out of me when someone IRL asks me about a post or assumes something is behind an update when I really think that I have explained to these people, my Facebook means NOTHING to me... maybe it means something to you and my post causes you to explore your own thoughts and identity, but it doesn't mine... I have a blog for that!
It is okay to be alone. I am jealous that you get to read all the cool books... one of the areas that my injury has really manifested itself is in my ability to read and retain what I have just read... frustrating but I keep trying! I don't think there is anything wrong keeping to yourself at times and rediscovering balance... it is when you began to really isolate yourself by building a fortress to keep the world away that there may be a problem... when someone close begins to comment on how withdrawn you are and how you seem to be withdrawn and pulling away, is when there is time for concern.
Be well and take care!
Love & Rockets!
Mark
Each day I become more and more the same way. When I get home from work, I tend to turn the phone off and plug it in to charge, not looking at it again until the next morning. No one ever calls me (my friends all know I HATE to talk on the phone!) so I just let text messages pile up until the next morning! Sometimes I worry that I enjoy my time alone too much, but, hey, it's not like I'm getting into trouble or anything!
ReplyDeletei've always liked being by myself so i get where you are coming from. i'm like g- i hate talking on the phone and will admit to not answering it on purpose when i am in my 'i vant to be alone' mode.
ReplyDeletexxalainaxx
"Or even a cat hoarding crazy lady."
ReplyDeleteis that a dig at me?? =)
Seriously, Carlos and I have the opposite problem. I'm like you, in that being alone isn't lonely. I enjoy the quiet solitude I get when Carlos is out of the house, which makes it all the nicer when he comes home.
But he likes to be around me all the time, and doesn't "get" solitude.
Perhaps because he was an only child, so always the center of someone's attention.
I like to say that I am the 'middle, neglected child' so i don't mind being by myself.
Opposites attract, I guess.
I think you're healthy. You know you need solitude and give that to yourself when it's needed. You also know you need some society, and you have that society when you need it. From previous discussions you know that I am like that as well. Thomas and the kids make sure I don't isolate myself too much. And I do make myself get together with certain friends and family now and then. But sometimes I just HAVE to live in my own head for a while.
ReplyDeleteLove our quiet solitude here at Nutwood!
ReplyDelete