Saturday, March 10, 2012

Mitt ‘n Grits

GritsIt has been with a high state of hilarity that I’ve watched video of Mittens Romney campaigning in Mississippi over the past few days. You really can’t make this shit up.

Mister I’m Worth $200 Meeeellion Dollars is working hard to convince average working folks that he’s just like them, and he seems to be trying especially hard to do this in the South by learning their lingo and having “strange things happen to him.”

It was bad enough when he was campaigning in Michigan and uttered that perplexing thing about liking the trees in Michigan because they’re the right height. What? But this week in Mississippi, he cranked up the Awkwardometer and started saying things like “Mornin’ y’all!” and “I like grits!” (Grits One and Grits Two)

You know, I don’t hate the guy. I completely disagree with him on most of his policies, I think supply-side economics has been proven to not work, I think he’s spineless and kisses Rush Limbaugh’s fat ass, I think his criticisms of President Obama’s foreign policy is disingenuous at best and a deliberate, pandering lie at worst, and I think his religion’s practice of baptizing people into the Mormon faith—even Holocaust victims, who are, you know, JEWISH—after their death is obscene. But he seems like a decent kind of guy for the most part.

But I have never seen anyone so completely unable to connect with people. I often feel socially awkward, but this guy makes me feel great about my social skills. It’s almost painful to watch at times, and sometimes I almost feel sorry for him. Then I remember that it’s all deliberate, he has people telling him what to do, how to act, what to say...and instead of coming across as a regular guy, he keeps hammering home the fact that he’s richer than the vast majority of us will ever be. (And he also wants to lower taxes on himself and those on his level...don’t forget that part!) It’s really just embarrassing now. He’s not a regular guy, and he never has been.

As we begin to see the return of Candidate Obama, the contrast between the two is astounding. Obviously, much of what President Obama does is calculated; I’m not naive. But I also think he has a genuine understanding of and a concern for most Americans. Mittens may feel that way (but I doubt it), but is simply unable to get past that rarefied air of privilege. Obama is also a fantastic speaker, with great oratory skills.

MittensIt’s fairly obvious that Mittens will be the eventual nominee. I look forward to the debates between him and President Obama. Mittens is no slouch as a debater, but there have been many awkward moments, especially the combative ones with the moderators (“You get to ask the questions you want, I get to give the answers I want. Okay?”), and he gets very defensive about his taxes and wealth. But Obama comes across as authentic and genuine, and Mittens comes across as exactly what he is: a really, really rich guy.

It will be fun to see the personae that Mittens adopts in the coming primaries. Perhaps we’ll get to see some Native American stuff in the southwest (certainly no LATINO stuff...get real!). Maybe he’ll don a 10-gallon hat in Texas and shoot a varmint. Illinois might give us a glimpse of ‘20s Gangster Mittens, and I can hardly wait to hear him talk about his love of ‘sport’ in Indiana, especially that ‘hoop’ game (“Boy, you Hoosiers really love your basketball, don’t you? I saw that movie, you know. Wasn’t that a great movie?”) and the upcoming Indy 500 (“Boy, you folks sure drive fast around here. I think I took a wrong turn when I was trying to get here, and I just kept going around in circles, and then they gave me some milk to drink. Ha! Ha! Ha!”)

Jeez, the guy is the Borscht Belt comedian of the political world. Ba-dum-tsss!


  1. But he seems like a decent kind of guy for the most part.

    You know, I could NOT disagree with you more. He is among the WORST of the kind of men who aspire to the Presidency. He is so out of touch and so willing to do not what it takes to win but 'what it takes to win'.

    I don't think you can be a false and untroubled by the obvious fact that there is something about the country you have no knowledge of and are patently 'incurious' about.

    As far as his faith... ugh, I try not to judge folks on their religion but his is not too far from Scientology, IMO.

    At any rate, I hope that President Obama continues to show his decisiveness and the country continues to improve on his watch... either Mitt or "frothy" from Pennsylvania would be the biggest setback for the country since 'Dubya' stole two elections..!
    I am worried that someone from the

  2. I'm with Big Mark... you musa have a few too many martoonies when you wrote this! Mitt is an asshat extradanaire and I think you were WAY too nice to him! His stance on abortion, health care, and the economy are just plain selfish and mean spirited. And his ridiculous pandering to the locals is, well, just ridiculous.

    But that's okay if you like him.... I hate him enough for both of us!

  3. Let's make it clear -- I don't like Mittens. It's rare that I have come across a Republican politician that at some level makes me like them. I often want to ask them if they are developmentally stunted and can only think, "Me. Me. Me. It's all about me." Children are supposed to start to recognize that there is a world beyond themselves around age 11 or 12 if I remember correctly.

    And I'm not going to hate on his religion. Well except for that posthumous conversion thing. I spent a lot of the 70s hanging up the phone and slamming doors in their faces because after some sudden enlightenment, people who look like me could finally be full members of their church. Then I went to college and met a number of people from that particular religion who were wonderful people. Heck. I even partied with some of them. OK. So maybe they did not attend church anymore but they certainly went to the mixers every Friday night and would pick up random girls there.

    But it comes down to that sincerity factor. None of the Republican candidates have this. And this is why Obama will probably kick ass in the debates -- that combo of intelligence with sincerity and compassion.

  4. Stop it! You can't post stuff like this for me to read early in the morning. I got tickled and then I started laughing and it's only 7:37 a.m. and I just know that I was laughing so loud as I imagined Mitt the chameleon that people heard me across the street and three houses down. You've also inspired me to cook myself some grits for breakfast.

    I agree that Mitt is probably a nice enough person. I try not to engage in too much personalized hate for people that I don't know, except Rush. Although I confess that I wouldn't invite Mitt to dinner.

    He really doesn't relate to people very well. I don't understand why he feels the need to talk about his wealth so much. It's just dumb to to tell working class folks, "My wife drives two Cadillacs." Besides it creates weird images in people's heads. Exactly how does she drive two Cadillacs? Does she straddle them? Okay maybe just in my head.

    I think that he defines himself through his wealth; it's his measure of his own success.

  5. I can imagine one of his key staff members saying, "It would be good to work 'grits' somewhere in your dialogue", and he comes out "I like grits". I suspect the staffer buried his head in his hands whimpering 'He just doesn't get it.'

    Like you, I think the guy is a decent guy. I think he would be a terrible president and I disagree with most of his policies. I've read a couple of stories about some fantastic stuff he has done -- specifically relocating his whole staff to New York to find the missing daughter of one of his workers. So I can't blithely characterize him as a bad person. He just 'doesn't get it'.

  6. Depending on the room, there are times when I am either the King or Queen of Social Awkwardness.
    But then I see Mittsy declare his love of trees and grits and trying to force his stiff upper lip to say 'Y'all' and even I cringe.
    The sad thing is he'll get the nomination because he's NotObama.
    Which is, of course, while he'll lose the race, too.

  7. How can anyone with all that money possibly understand the lives of the rest of us? He's trying hard but he will keep missing the mark. As others have said here, he just doesn't get it.

  8. And today the Etch-a-Sketch brings the house tumbling down, he is in rebuilding mode yet again. Fun to watch, almost painful.

  9. And he said he had "cheesy" grits. I'm pretty sure it's "cheese grits"!!


I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?