The GaffeMeister 3000™

I’ll take a little break from writing about the Olympics (But hey, how about that Michael Phelps?! And how about the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team?! WOW!) and write about Mittens’ recent jaunt to England, Israel, and Poland.

Jesus H. Christ on a jumped-up sidecar, what a train wreck. What an embarrassment. I would like to apologize to the citizens of each country, but especially to the British. My friend Leanne suggested that we start writing apology notes now, and perhaps a Harry and David fruit basket is also in order. I agree, because this was a fucking JOKE.

I’m sure you’ve read about it, so I won’t go into detail. He immediately began making friends and influencing people by saying that maybe London wasn’t entirely prepared for the Olympics. Never mind the fact that the British press had voiced many of the same concerns, and in much stronger terms; he was there on the eve of the Olympics, and you don’t just walk into someone’s house for a party and say, “Hey, looks like you didn’t prepare properly for this!” No. You say, “Oh, everything looks great! Your house is beautiful, the food looks wonderful, and if we run out of booze, one of us can run out real quick and get some more. Thank you for inviting us!” THAT is diplomacy. I’m surprised I have to explain this.

The British hated him. Headlines ranged from “Mitt the Twit” to “Who Invited Him?” He was called a wazzock and a wanker. (I was familiar with the latter term, but not the former. I approve of both.) The PM and London’s Mayor both ridiculed him and unloaded the snark. Yes. Embarrassing.

After pissing off one of our closest—if not the closest—allies, Mittens was off to Israel, which was a little more welcoming since he’s long-time good buddies with PM Netanyahu. Things went pretty well for him there, as he said what big donors wanted to hear at a fundraiser, which amounted to yes, we will support Israel no matter what. Then he had to step in it a little bit a lot and insult the Palestinians by saying that Israel’s success has to do with a difference in “culture” and “providence,” as in the Palestinians aren’t as “cultured” nor do they have the advantage of “divine providence,” but then he walked it back and said he wasn’t talking about Palestinian culture, just culture in general, kinda like how the U.S. is successful and Mexico isn’t, ‘cause Mexico’s culture isn’t as good as the United States’, and then people found stuff in his book that said EXACTLY that about culture, and then he wrote an op ed saying that yes, he really did mean that culture has lots to do with a country’s economic success, and...for fuck’s sake, Mitt, pick a stance already! And stop insulting people! Stop stepping into the middle of a conflict that has been going on for thousands of years, one that has no easy solutions, one that many Presidents (and better men than you) have tried to negotiate over the years!

[deep breath]

Oh, and then the deputy PM of Israel said that the Obama administration has actually been pretty good to them. Heh.

Okay. Off to Poland. Again, a fairly welcome reception there. Apparently Lech Walesa really likes the dude, for some unknown reason. The Solidarity trade union wasn’t as enamored, and distanced themselves from Walesa’s support of Mittens and issued a statement that they stand in support of America’s unions.

There were plenty of other Bizarro World occurrences along the way, from Romney talking about looking out the “backside” of No. 10 Downing Street (Good grief!!) to him praising Israel’s health care system (umm...it’s run by the government, Mittens) to his press secretary telling reporters (who were definitely being dicks) at Poland’s Tomb of the Unknown Soldier to “kiss my ass...this is a holy place...have some respect,” and it began to verge on the surreal. Yes, because if someone gets up in my grill at a cemetery, I like to say, “Kiss my ass...have some respect.”

Then Mittens came home. Finally. Thankfully.

I guess his goal was to show that he was ready to lead, and that he has the diplomatic chops to deal with various foreign dignitaries. Well, you fucked up, Mittens. You were an embarrassment to our country, you showed that you don’t have the slightest idea of how to be diplomatic, and you made it apparent that you are incapable of picking up on obvious social and psychological clues, let alone subtle ones. It’s not surprising. When you live in the privileged bubble of the extremely rich, you forget how to deal with people. You expect everyone to respect you, because you have forgotten that respect is earned, not bought.

I don’t know how much impact this will have. We have a ways to go before the election. But I hope it sends a subtle message (one that I’m sure Mittens would be unable to intuit) to those undecided voters that this guy just doesn’t play well with others. Even those who are supposed to be his bestest friends.

I’m just glad he picked up his ball and came home before he started an international incident.