Lawyer Up (subtitled Handsome String Bean of Justice)

Breakin' rocks in the hot sun

I fought the law and the law won

~~ “I Fought The Law” by The Clash (originally Sonny Curtis/The Bobby Fuller Four)

Based on comments I’ve seen on social media, I’m not the only one fascinated right now by the Mueller investigation. But I’m no lawyer, so how does one make sense of it all? There are bits and pieces of news coming out almost every day. So-and-so has been subpoenaed. What does it mean that so-and-so is refusing to appear before the Senate committee investigating the Russian meddling? Who can the Resident pardon, and can he pardon himself? Who does Team Mueller want to talk to now, and why? I think anyone who has dealt with a lawyer knows that the legalese is almost impossible to understand unless you have a legal background yourself. I don’t, so I have to look elsewhere. (Sadly, my lawyer friend Sheria is no longer with us, so I can’t ask her anymore. I can’t help but wonder what she would make of all this. I don’t doubt that she would be as appalled as I am.)

While I appreciate legal experts like Jeffrey Toobin on CNN, I’m finding that I prefer to read most of my news these days (listening on Sirius is another good option for me). It gives me enough separation that I don’t get riled up by the talking heads and I can try to parse and analyze it in greater depth. To that purpose, my absolute go-to on these matters is Renato Mariotti, a former federal prosecutor who is currently working for a Chicago law firm and doing occasional commentary on MSNBC. (He is also considering a run for Illinois Attorney General.) I recommend his Twitter feed to everyone (he has a Facebook page, as well) because he is able to cut through the noise and make sense of complex legal issues for us laypeople. He does threads on Twitter that lay out the essential facts in a concise way that is easy to understand, and he is also willing to answer questions when he can. Obviously, the full extent of the legal intricacies can’t be addressed in that forum, but he does a great job of distilling the explanation down to the crucial facts. He’s one of the best “follows” on Twitter right now, in my opinion!

Although he’s not a lawyer (he’s a journalist who writes about legal matters), Benjamin Wittes is another great follow. He is a Fellow at the Brookings Institute and co-founded the Lawfare blog, which is a wonderful and valuable read. He also does threads on Twitter and has great insight into legal matters after years of journalism on such matters.

I will also mention here that he seems to be a genuinely decent guy. When I recently left a comment (one that I take full responsibility for not wording well—I knew what I meant in my head!), he misconstrued my meaning and retweeted me. It was great to be retweeted but it was for the wrong reason and resulted in a pile on of people telling me that I was delusional, in so many words. I scrambled to do damage control, and luckily, he immediately saw my response that I think he might have misunderstood me. I clarified, he apologized not once but twice, and he removed the retweet right away. He could have said, “Fuck it, I don’t know this woman,” and left it up there, but he didn’t. I really appreciate that! The people who were piling on also apologized, so it all worked out well.

Then there is Robert Mueller and his crack team who might just save the entire world. I’m sure there will be more about that as we move forward.

Finally, although he isn’t tweeting about the investigation (for obvious reasons), I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my Former FBI Director Boyfriend in an Alternate Universe is tweeting again and the account is confirmed to be his. It’s been known for some months that a particular account was probably James Comey’s (Jaaaaaames), but it was private. This week, he took it public and after posting a photo that was obviously him, the followers started piling up. Wittes is a friend of Comey’s and also confirmed that it was his account. He promises to “tweet in useful ways” and it should be interesting to see what all he posts. Remember, he has a book coming out this spring! He should post a photo of him sitting at an old typewriter, reading glasses perched on his nose. “The author at work.” Haha! I would dig that photo.

What is amusing about Comey’s account is that some people were trying really hard to analyze what was going on with the handful of photos he posted. The gist of it was:

He’s in Iowa.

He’s wearing running shoes.

He’s running for President!

Okay, that’s kind of funny. But probably not a legitimate theory. I would be very surprised if he decided to run, first of all. The more significant thing is that his wife is from Iowa, and her father just celebrated his 90th birthday, per the Des Moines Register. So they were in town for a family birthday party.

Like the old medical school adage, when you hear hoofbeats, think horse, not zebra. Or like when I was doing my internship and we were learning about bacterial meningitis, a headache doesn’t mean you have meningitis...it probably means you have a tension headache, or a neck and backache from carting around all those medical books! (I did not have meningitis, although I was a little worried for a while there.)

Also, bonus points to the person who commented and called Comey a “handsome string bean of justice,” as well to the person who included a GIF of Leslie Jones flirting with Colin Jost on “Weekend Update.” If you can’t hear her voice as she calls Colin a handsome string bean of justice, you’re doing it wrong!

Here, have a Clash song. Yes, yes, I know it’s more of a protest song about the long arm of the law, but I’m using it here to convey that while the Yam and his Yampeople can try to obfuscate and run, the Law will win.