A little late night introspection

All these moments of our lives

Of the flickering of an endless sea

~~ Duran Duran, “Salt in the Rainbow”

Sometimes at night, before I go to bed, I write a few things in this little journal I have, one that has various prompts and questions. It’s obviously designed for teenage girls (“What is the best thing your crush ever said to you?” Seriously?), but there are still some interesting questions in there, ones that make me think. One that I answered tonight was something about if you could change a year of your life, what year would it be, and why?

Oddly enough, I was just thinking about that exact thing earlier in the day. For some reason, a previous job popped into my head and I was transported back to that time and reminded all over again of what a crummy experience it was. It wasn’t just one year, either...it was a good couple of years.

I was in my late thirties and had left Indianapolis and my Microbiology job there to move back home (for a reason I’ll mention in a moment). I was around my family again, and that was a good thing. However, I quickly found out that beyond the significant pay cut I took in my new job, it was tedious and utterly boring laboratory work, completely unrewarding, and my boss was, to use the words of the used car customer in “Fargo,” a fucking liar. It was a miserable experience, and when the jerk finally fired me, it was a relief.

After the initial shock wore off, I felt liberated. I had already applied to what would be my final job, got an interview, got an offer, and started work there three weeks later. I try not to regret too many things in my life and try to chalk it up to experience gained, but man, what a mistake to get into something that wasn’t Microbiology or wasn’t even clinical laboratory work. Manufacturing lab work was just not a good fit for me. I missed the patient connection and I missed the interaction with doctors trying to figure out what was going on with their patients. I missed being a part of that and I missed feeling like I was making a difference for patients.

To add to my misery of that time, the reason I’d moved back here was a relationship. I won’t say a lot about that here, other than that on top of the job from hell, I was in the relationship from hell. It truly was a miserable couple of years for me and I was happy to break away from all of that and find my Happy Place™. Since I wasn’t in a genuine relationship for a while after being the dumpee (the job) and the dumper (the relationship), it was something that I found on my own, and that’s the best way to find it.

So would I change those years if I could? Yeah, probably...but you always have to be careful when fucking with the space-time continuum. I’m not happy with my decisions at the time, but if I hadn’t made them, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t have met Ken, and I wouldn’t be enjoying life in my town, near my family, and at Nutwood Junction. I think it’s very easy to say that you regret something but it’s a little harder to say, “Okay, that sucked, but I own my decision. In the end, everything worked out okay,” and to really mean it. I’m happy that it worked out okay for me.

If I stop to think about the lessons learned, it would probably be 1) don’t make rash decisions and do give things time to work themselves out. If I had waited a little longer on the relationship thing before moving up here, I would have realized that I was swimming into dangerous waters. I’m talking sharks and riptide levels. Man O’ War and Vibrio vulnificus levels. And 2) if something doesn’t feel right, whether in your personal or professional life, start examining it and questioning WHY. It’s okay to take some time to try to figure it out, but don’t dally too long. I was already looking for another job when I got fired from that one, and I was already starting to realize that my personal situation was unhealthy on many levels by the time I said, “Enough.”

But if you asked me if I wish I could have those couple of years back? I’d be lying if I said no.

The Attraction of Power/The Power of Attraction

I recently wrote about the Emanuel brothers, three very intelligent, successful, and powerful men. Ken tells me that I seem to be developing a bit of an obsession with Rahm. Does that mean I can't get this shirt, Honey? Ha ha! I wouldn't call it an obsession so much as a fascination with the appeal of power. Although I've never felt that I was all that susceptible to powerful men, many women are, and I wondered if men find powerful women as appealing. I thank you all for your comments, and I would like to expound upon a few. Let me say upfront that I don't mean to generalize, and I realize that there are exceptions to everything. I don't like it when people make general statements about women, and I won't do the same about men. My opinions come from my experiences, but nothing is ever 100%.

Myra said...
Could depend on the age & maturity of the man. I mean some men don't care what's on your on your mind, they only see the exterior...but who wants that type of man?? When we are smart, we're labeled as bitches. Unfortunately, its still very much a man's world, and maybe that is the problem!

I think Myra is right on a couple of counts. Age and maturity is definitely a factor, and the younger the guy, the more fixated they are upon the package rather than the contents. With age and experience comes an appreciation for depth and knowledge, and a desire to delve deeper into a person's mind. I have to disagree, though, with believing that if women are smart, we are labeled as bitches. I'm sure there have been those who think that I'm a bitch, but I've never really had to deal with that too much from guys. I'll get more into that in a moment.

Mark said...
First, do you have single sisters? I have found that my being able to add intimidates some folks ... but it does depend on where you fish, too.

No, Mark, my sisters are older than me and both married! Your phrase "depends on where you fish" is dead-on. If you (meaning people in general) are seeking an empty head, that's what you will get. If you want more, you'll learn to weed those types out.

Jamie said...
I think men want their women to be intelligent enough to have a conversation with at the very least.

Again, depends on what they're looking for. A "hm-hm" buddy or a relationship?

LJ said...
well, for some men, all they want is a breathing female who will put out and cook.

Very true. There are men like that. They aren't my type, though. Not by a long shot!

Cathy said...
You know what'll happen Beth? The men who DO blog won't answer that question anyway, for the same reason they think powerful women are castrating bioches. What they'll say out loud however is, "I love women who know what they want, can support themselves, speak their minds" etc, ad nauseum. Men don't want equals, they want a saint as a wife and mother, and a whore in bed. Same ole story.

I think that's a sort of cynical view, but I can understand why some women feel that way. Actions speak louder than words, and we've all been subjected to that sort of attitude.

Marty said...
Interesting question. I value intelligence and have little patience for stupidity (well, OK, it depends on the circumstances ... everyone does stupid things once in a while). This is going to sound sexist, but I'll say it anyway: I work with loads of highly intelligent, highly driven women here in Hollywood and -- while I respect a lot of them quite a bit -- some strike me as "bitchy." Sometimes it seems like they have to work that much harder, be that much more "difficult/demanding" to get ahead. Conversely, their male counterparts in similar jobs -- while equally driven or cut-throat -- don't seem as "tightly wound." So, I'm attracted by intelligence but, in my opinion, the smartest of the smart are the women who manage to rise to the top while remaining comfortable in their own skin.

Marty proved Cathy wrong by leaving an honest comment. As I replied to Marty, it's a very fine line for women...sometimes aggressiveness and power does come across as bitchy, so how do we juggle being competent, capable, and powerful, all the while remaining comfortable in our own skin (as Marty put it)?

Miss Ginger said...
Funny how many of your female readers responded to your question about men's opinion of powerful women, and how few male readers responded!. I feel I have sort of a unique perspective (lol!) My experience is that men like their women flirty, cute, silly, sexy, and a little risque. I have been to many, many, MANY, happy hours and cocktail parties where the men and women are discussing stimulating, intellectual, thought provoking topics with interest and respect from both sides. But as soon as "little miss bimbo" shows up rattling the cubes in her empty glass, then men all scrape their knuckles on the floor running to get her a new one, and by the time they get back the conversation has deteriorated to brain rot. And the men are all grinning like village idiots!

Also true. I bet I'm not the only one who has seen that happen, or has been the woman who got ignored when a leggy bobblehead gave a flirty wink. (I'm talkin' to YOU, Sarah Palin! Ha ha!) There are ways to get around that. More in a moment.

Anonymous said...
I don't think that power and intelligence necessarily have to go together. A truly intelligent person would not be involved in struggles involving power. However knowledge is power, but power does not incur knowledge.

I both agree and disagree with Anonymous's comment. Power definitely doesn't mean knowledge (I'm sure we can all think of a few current examples), but there are some fields in which intelligent people are involved in power struggles no matter what. Politics comes immediately to mind, but also health care. It happens all the time with doctors, and no matter what field you are in, there are often such struggles...some are more subtle, but you can find that undercurrent in almost any workplace.

I really enjoyed getting these perspectives on the issue, and it definitely is a thorny one. I thank you all for your input on this, and I think it's fun to have a frank discussion.

So here's my take on it. As I said, there will be exceptions, but I think that generally, men don't feel that powerful attraction to powerful women, and I don't see that changing. I think part of it is what a couple of readers touched upon--there are many times that powerful women are perceived as bitchy or manipulative, and sometime that's true. Yeah, I said it, but keep in mind that men can also be bitchy and manipulative! What slays me is that I know it doesn't have to be that way. Medical Technology and the laboratory field is one dominated by women, so I've had many female managers and supervisors. And I've had some damn good ones--women who were tough but fair and who knew their stuff so thoroughly that no one would really cross them or question their statements. That's a case where knowledge is definitely power.

I'd say there was usually enough respect there that the men didn't even think of the women that way. And that's the way it should be. I know that you can't take sexuality completely out of the workplace--we can't go against our wiring--but you should be able to stop objectifying people in such a way. Respect should be earned, no matter the manager's gender.

Outside of the workplace, it's just as thorny an issue. Miss Ginger is right--it's not uncommon to see men reduced to quivering blobs of empty-headed jelly by an equally empty-headed "little miss bimbo," as Miss G put it. Accept it and move on, ladies. Not every guy is like that, and it was my experience (in my younger, single days) that the ones you really want to hang with are the ones who want to hear some reasonably intelligent talk. It's been my luck in life that I have a deep-seated love of sports, and I was told more than once that I was the "perfect woman" because I loved sports so much! Ha! I'm far from perfect, believe me, but for many years, I was always more comfortable talking with guys than I was with women. I think I've kind of gotten beyond that, but I still remember get-togethers in my previous life when the wives were in the kitchen talking kids and food, and I was out with the guys debating various issues. At one particular party, I remember one of the women coming out and saying to me, "All us women are in the kitchen talking--maybe you'd be more comfortable in here with us!" Gee, do you think that was a subtle hint? I said, "Oh, I'm fine out here, but thanks anyway!"

That kind of attitude pisses me off as much as anything...that unspoken rule that thou shalt not talk with the husbands. Throw that at me, and I dig in. That was many years ago, and I've mellowed since then, but don't try to shove me into a niche of your own making, because I don't like being jammed into a tiny little spot that is way too small for me.

So why is it that many women are attracted to powerful men, but not vice versa? I think there is some genetic hard-wiring there that will be difficult, if not impossible, to overcome. In powerful, intelligent men, we see those who will provide for us and protect us. Women are expected to be the nurturers. For those of us to whom nurturing doesn't come naturally, it can be difficult to find our own pathways. My mantra for many years has been to be nothing but myself. I'm not an idiot and won't pretend to be one; I look okay and clean up well, and I'm not ashamed of that; I have opinions and I think that's a good thing, and I'm always happy to share! I could go on for a while about this, but this is already too long. Suffice it to say that I believe it is up to each of us to define our own lives and attitudes, and not merely accept the role that we have been handed. Who is assigning us to those roles, anyway?

We may not be able to escape our genetic blueprint, but what we do with it is up to us.