Monday, December 29, 2008

No drama allowed

Both Ken and I have written at various times about how we don't fight. I suppose there are some that think that's abnormal, but as I've said before, thinking we're abnormal for not bickering with each other probably says more about your psyche than about ours! I've been trying to wade through a large stack (some might say abnormally large) of magazines that have been accumulating for a few months, and I read an interview in Good Housekeeping that made me think, "That's it exactly! " It was an interview with an actor named James Denton. I'm not familiar with the guy, but apparently he plays the sexy plumber on "Desperate Housewives," a show we don't watch. Check this out:

Q: What's the secret of a good marriage?

Denton: This might sound a little strange, but my wife is from midwestern stock, and she's not big on sitting and talking about her feelings. It's great when you can find that, because most guys--myself included--aren't really into over-analyzing things. Sharing my emotions doesn't come naturally to me, and she had that same keep-your-feelings-to-yourself upbringing. Don't get me wrong: We talk about things that are important, but we're not having those "here's how I feel about everything" conversations at 1 AM that I've had to endure in other relationships. I sound like a total caveman.

Q: Not quite. So, when you do let it all out, is it a huge explosion?

Denton: Actually, no! We don't fight, ever--and it's not because we refuse to. We're just on the same wavelength, so we say what's on our minds and move on. I do have a horrible temper, but it's usually in the garage, when I've done something stupid when I'm trying to build something.

That sums up exactly how Ken and I feel about things, and about fighting. Yes, we discuss things, but we do so civilly, logically, and calmly. Histrionics don't come into play at all, because neither of us operates that way. When Denton mentioned that 1 AM conversation, it took me back to a past relationship, when I'd want nothing more than to go to sleep and stop talking about it. He'd follow me around like an evil puppy, talking and talking and talking, if I tried to go to bed, he'd follow me there and talk some more, until I just wanted to scream, "For the love of God, will you PLEASE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE?!" That sort of behavior is so alien to me, and it's really pleasant to be able to have a rational discussion, come to an agreement, and be done with it. No need for endless discussions, or for drama.

What's kind of funny is that both Ken and I have bad tempers, but it takes a lot to get us to the point where we lose it, and if we do lose it, we don't direct that flamethrower in each other's direction. I remember kicking a closet door in my dorm room and breaking it; punching the hell out of a couple of pillows as a young adult; and getting into screaming matches with the aforementioned ex. [shudder] My temper has definitely mellowed as I've gotten older, and I've found that you can accomplish a lot more if you ditch the drama and just discuss. It has to be a lot better for your health, too.

As far as not fighting with Ken, it's amazing what two people can accomplish when they're on the same page. We are simpatico.

Hey, I found out from our neighbor across the road that the people to the right of him will be moving out soon. Apparently they had an adjustable rate mortgage, and their payment went from $900 a month to $2000. YIKES! I don't wish ill will on anyone, but I can't say that I'm upset that they're moving. They've made the place look so trashy, and their cats wander the area and come over here to eat our birds and they agitate Sheeba! Dave said that he thought they are just going to leave all their cats and if they do, he'll kill them (the cats, not the people). I asked him to let me know if they do that, because I think there are some animal shelters that will take in cats like that. He said he'd let me know. Jamie, if it comes to that, I could use some advice! Who do I need to call to give these cats a new lease on life? And talking about my temper...I'd love to tell those people just what I think of them letting their cats wander all over the place, and Dave said that he thinks most of them aren't fixed. Grrrrr!


  1. I found that it takes too much effort to argue...we too just put everything out on the table...come to an agreement & move on. It's just better that way. OMG about your neighbors house payment... Poor kitties....I hope they will be able to get good homes.

  2. my first boyfriend, v1.0 and i only fought the day we broke up. on the other hand, v2.0 and me, well you know all about that hot ghetto mess.

    a healthy discourse is always the backbone of all GOOD relationships.


  3. Here would be My answer to my wonderful marriage. No time, no energy was given for this kind of waste. Loved this entry and thank you my friend for sharing. Take care of you and yours always,

  4. As the Bob and Tom diddy goes; She's talking again LOL. That about sums up my previous life with my ex :o)

  5. I really thought that things were supposed to be getting better for people with mortgages. There should be a law against someone being able to raise payments like that. On the subject of arguing...I agree it is a waste of time. If there are problems that need to be worked out there are better ways and if it's a problem that can not be solved, it's still a waste of time. 'On Ya'-ma

  6. Glen and I don't fight either. We discuss things, doesn't mean we have to agree, we just air it out, and move on. We've known each other for 8 years and we have never had a fight. Besides, we're too old for drama! Poor kitties! Our local university has an influx for the animal shelters when school lets out in the summer...students just...leave! They leave their pets behind. Maybe the U should teach a class on that!

  7. That really pisses me off about those people leaving the cats, that is just so freaking ignorant.

    Doug & I never argue either. I don't know why some people find that so hard to believe. If you are on the same page, or wavelength like you say what is there to argue about. Besides, it's wasted energy.

  8. Confrontation isn't good for me! But a good debate, now you're talkin'- Dannelle

  9. Miss Ginger HATES conflict, and I swear I think some women fight just for the sport of it! Glad to know you're not one of those! It's good that you and Ken can talk about thing rationally. My ex was a game player- when he was PO'd at me he would clam up but deny anything was wrong, and then deliberately do things that he knew would irritate me to get even! It was like living with a teenage girl, and it drove me crazy and I don't miss it one bit!!!

  10. That is pretty cool. I wonder why the arguing got crossed with passion, making it a bellweather for a relationship?

    This is not to say that 'passion' and coming to disagreements is wrong. I have felt that had I not married my ex, and still had a 'starter marriage' with someone else, and the rest of my days play out to form, then I would now be in Georgia with Pecan Sandie.

    The the major difference between the two was the acknowledgement of faults, and the attiude that there is unless there is a 'we', it doesn't matter what 'I' think.

    Right now, I feel better prepared for someone who may be 'passionate' ... the bigger issues is the 'we' part. I think that eventually, when the two really become one, the 'rivalry' falls, and there is no reason to hurt or make the other upset.

    Understanding is a big part of it. Myself, I tell myself I can 'take' what comes, as long as my partner remembers that they love me. And for those rare moments when I step on their toes, then I REMEMBER that I love them.

    Ah, balance ... the golden mean!

  11. I read this entry and felt like you had spied on me! Michael and I don't fight. We have been together twenty years and have never spoken to each other in a bad way. Yes, we get into discussions but always keep it civil. He's calm, I have the bad temper but things always stay "right". I can't explain it except to say that we have an enormous amount of respect for one another and that's what keeps us from getting nasty with each other. Great entry Beth! Have a happy and healthy new year!

  12. You found the "golden rule" that you can accomplish a lot more if you ditch the drama and just discuss.

    I'm so proud of you two!

    Hugs, Rose

  13. First let me say that if I could have had that kind of relationship with my ex'es I would still be married. I think you guys are soooo blessed. Second, I hate people that let cats (especially ones that are not fixed) stray all over and get run over etc. These are not pet lovers...just owners. Please try to find a shelter for them.
    Hugs, Joyce

  14. Communication is the key..I am glad you and Ken have such a good relationship.
    I grew up around fussing and fighting, and decided then as an adult i would not live that kind of life.
    I hope you get better neighbors next time..
    it really does make a difference in how you feel when one takes care of their home that lives next to you.

  15. Kudo's to you and Ken for choosing so wisely in one another!!! That's the trick...picking the right person!

  16. Those cats sound like they aren't half fed anyway. They would be better off in a shelter and maybe others could adopt them. Our local amimal shelter take dogs and cats but I think you have to take them to them.
    Ken and I don't fight either. Very seldom is a cross word spoken. I can't say the same for my first marriage though.

  17. Wow after reading all the comments it appears no one here argues with their significant other.
    I dont think arguing is bad or not arguing is good, if you get along, great. I find that most people arent so perfect though, except in the comments of this blog!!!!!!! I've been married 19 years to my best friend and I have to say there has not been a single argument at 1 a.m., nor one about our feelings. Its always an issue thats important to someone and needs discussing and occasionally arguing.

  18. I'm an arguer....I'll admit it. Sometimes I'm up at 1 AM thinking up ways to maim my husband.

    So far he's gone unmaimed, but you never know...heh..

  19. wow, someone is having a fucking cow after reading that. ;)~ I have to say, Shawn and I do have the occasional fight but we are able to come back to it later, when we're both calmer and discuss what happened and what we need to do to change it. We both use the I Feel crap too when we're trying to discuss something that pissed us off that the other person did so as not to get any feather's ruffled and defenses up. Usually we call what we have discussions (even if our voices are slightly raised) unless there is real screaming going on (such as the case after I found out he was smoking this summer) and then it's a fight. There was a time when we would be that evil puppy in the middle of the night however, but we've grown as people, as has our relationship and we realize that just makes both of us miserable and we end up going over the same thing again and again and again. It's nice when you find someone that is willing to work on themselves as well as the relationship rather than expect you to do all the work. (been there, done that and it sucks)
    As for the kitties, don't kill them Ken, I'd prefer you did in the humans. The kitties didn't ask to be raised by heathens. ;) I will email on you that however as the entire www doesn't need to know exactly where we live or where the kitties could be taken.

  20. Oh and I think we all have enough drama in our lives from other people. We don't need it with our significant others as well. I know the last thing I want is to deal with drama from the crazy people in my life and then come home and deal with it from one of the people I love the most.

  21. My ex-husband and I never fought and rarely even argued. Seemed like an idyllic 35-year marriage. Apparently it wasn't.

  22. I think you and K may have a sort of adaptive symbiosis, and I admire that. I have been one to consider people who say "we never fight" suspect, but it is because of the person in question. Some people always present a much too rosy picture when you can clearly see all the cracks in the foundation. Now that isn't my business, but if they want to keep proclaiming to me everything is PERFECT, well, it gets old. I don't think THAT is going on with you and K at all.

  23. good for you n ken are HAPPY N CONTENTED,with each other,and with yourselves.thats the secret.take care,and HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND wishes mort xxx

  24. This is an interesting read! Ian and I dont really fight anymore either. After 20 years of marriage...its just not worth the effort to fight. We speak our mind, and move on. Sometimes I wonder if I am not emotional enough for a woman, but now that I have read this, I feel pretty good about my state of mind. Its okay to be the way I am. :) Kelly

  25. Just for the record, I am not a kitty killer :o) That was the neighbor.

    Also, do not confuse being occassionally insenstive and hurting feelings with fighting. There is a difference, and takine ownership and accountability is the key. We certainly are far from purrfect :o)

  26. I have an entire family of drama queens and kings! (which drove me crazy over the holidays). My last nerve was really thin by the time I left and home never looked so good when I got here.

    I am happy for you, Beth & Ken, that you seem to have such an enviable relationship.

    My X & I never argued either...until he left me for a 22 year old after 17 years! Chit...Do I sound like a Drama Queen?!

    Happy New Year all!

  27. since the first week i met my DH, we have had one whine/argument after another. Sometimes it is cutesy...sometimes, not so much. I think it is awesome you and Ken do not argue. You two are GREAT friends and i am sure that is part of it.
    My MIL had a lot of cats and the neighbors murdered the cats with antifreeze. Maybe a local humane society will take them but in my city you have to pay big bucks per cat or dog to get them to take them. XO


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