Oooo, very scary!

On Facebook today, via a group I joined (Separation of Church and State) and Milwaukee Dan #2, I saw a story about an article written on the CBN network website. Still with me?

It concerned the evils of Halloween, and it tickled me to no end. I don't know who the author, Kimberly Daniels, is or what credentials she has, but damn, this was funny. A few choice snippets....

It [Halloween] is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.

Time-released curses? Who knew that Satan is a pharmacist? I sure didn't. And a time-released curse is a period? Yeah, I’ve encountered some periods that were full of demonic activity and ensnared souls. Just sayin’.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

Here we learn that being a demon is not all fun and games. It sounds like serious business to me, with specific assignments and people to torment and possess. I hope they're unionized, because I see the potential for abuse at the hands of the Dark Overlord. The last thing you want when you're a demon trying to put human organs on the table for your demon woman and little demon babies is low wages for tough work. Where is Demon Norma Rae when you need her?

We also learn that Halloween candy has been prayed over by witches. I hope they're unionized, too, because they've gotta be working their scrawny green asses off this time of year. I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of Halloween candy in the stores right now, and that's a hell of a lot--oops, a pun!--of prayin' to do.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Yes, again that terrible, witch-tainted candy. Be careful, because your bag of Hershey's Miniatures may already be infested! In fact, as soon as you brought it into your house, I bet the demons descended upon it like flies on that bloated raccoon carcass I keep seeing on the road. This is nothing to mess around with, and if you pass out those Hershey's Miniatures, you are infesting your entire neighborhood with demons! There is nothing you can do except eat that entire bag yourself. It is the right thing to do. Save the children; eat the chocolate. You can have those demons cast out tomorrow, when you're dealing with the shame and guilt of eating an entire fucking bag of chocolate.

Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy.

That's right folks, when you put pumpkins in your yard, demons get busy! They're treating your yard like the pick-up bar that you used to frequent when you were in your twenties. Those boy demons are buying girl demons drinks and trying desperately to get them drunk enough to put out, then they're gettin' busy right there in your pumpkin-laden yard! And don't even get me started on bonfires. Everyone knows that bonfires are a taste of the Fires of Hell™, and that S'mores contain more of that demon-infested chocolate.

Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

What about zombies and aliens? Those are pretty important in the realm of monsters, and I have to wonder if they're okay since they weren't mentioned in the article. Are they not as bad as the other monsters mentioned? I'm not so sure...brain eating and anal probes sound pretty serious to me. Hey, I bet that's what those demons gettin' busy in your front yard are doing even as we speak!

The author was kind enough to include a list of "secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes."

• Sex with demons
• Orgies between animals and humans
• Animal and human sacrifices
• Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
• Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
• Revel nights
• Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
• Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant

If you find yourself engaging in any of the above acts, you may want to consider that you have a problem, and may very well be infested by demons. (That's what happens when you have sex with them.) Reject Halloween! Reject it! If any little demon-infested kiddies squirm their way up to your front door, yank the door open and shout, "Get off my lawn, Satan's spawn!" Not only will they be impressed by your poetic skills, they will scatter like the evil, brimstone-infused vermin they are. That'll show 'em.

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Note: The title of today's entry comes from SCTV's Count Floyd. He was always verrrry scarrrrry!