Thursday, October 29, 2009

Oooo, very scary!

Drunk pumpkin On Facebook today, via a group I joined (Separation of Church and State) and Milwaukee Dan #2, I saw a story about an article written on the CBN network website. Still with me?

It concerned the evils of Halloween, and it tickled me to no end. I don't know who the author, Kimberly Daniels, is or what credentials she has, but damn, this was funny. A few choice snippets....

It [Halloween] is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.

Time-released curses? Who knew that Satan is a pharmacist? I sure didn't. And a time-released curse is a period? Yeah, I’ve encountered some periods that were full of demonic activity and ensnared souls. Just sayin’.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

Here we learn that being a demon is not all fun and games. It sounds like serious business to me, with specific assignments and people to torment and possess. I hope they're unionized, because I see the potential for abuse at the hands of the Dark Overlord. The last thing you want when you're a demon trying to put human organs on the table for your demon woman and little demon babies is low wages for tough work. Where is Demon Norma Rae when you need her?

We also learn that Halloween candy has been prayed over by witches. I hope they're unionized, too, because they've gotta be working their scrawny green asses off this time of year. I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of Halloween candy in the stores right now, and that's a hell of a lot--oops, a pun!--of prayin' to do.

Pumpkin territorialI do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Yes, again that terrible, witch-tainted candy. Be careful, because your bag of Hershey's Miniatures may already be infested! In fact, as soon as you brought it into your house, I bet the demons descended upon it like flies on that bloated raccoon carcass I keep seeing on the road. This is nothing to mess around with, and if you pass out those Hershey's Miniatures, you are infesting your entire neighborhood with demons! There is nothing you can do except eat that entire bag yourself. It is the right thing to do. Save the children; eat the chocolate. You can have those demons cast out tomorrow, when you're dealing with the shame and guilt of eating an entire fucking bag of chocolate.

Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy.

That's right folks, when you put pumpkins in your yard, demons get busy! They're treating your yard like the pick-up bar that you used to frequent when you were in your twenties. Those boy demons are buying girl demons drinks and trying desperately to get them drunk enough to put out, then they're gettin' busy right there in your pumpkin-laden yard! And don't even get me started on bonfires. Everyone knows that bonfires are a taste of the Fires of Hell™, and that S'mores contain more of that demon-infested chocolate.

Pumpkin baby-eatingHalloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

What about zombies and aliens? Those are pretty important in the realm of monsters, and I have to wonder if they're okay since they weren't mentioned in the article. Are they not as bad as the other monsters mentioned? I'm not so sure...brain eating and anal probes sound pretty serious to me. Hey, I bet that's what those demons gettin' busy in your front yard are doing even as we speak!

The author was kind enough to include a list of "secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes."

  • Sex with demons
  • Orgies between animals and humans
  • Animal and human sacrifices
  • Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
  • Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
  • Revel nights
  • Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
  • Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant

If you find yourself engaging in any of the above acts, you may want to consider that you have a problem, and may very well be infested by demons. (That's what happens when you have sex with them.) Reject Halloween! Reject it! If any little demon-infested kiddies squirm their way up to your front door, yank the door open and shout, "Get off my lawn, Satan's spawn!" Not only will they be impressed by your poetic skills, they will scatter like the evil, brimstone-infused vermin they are. That'll show 'em.


Note: The title of today's entry comes from SCTV's Count Floyd. He was always verrrry scarrrrry!


  1. Well, I don't like Halloween and never have, but that's me. This person sounds a bit possessed herself. I don't believe in time-released curses! lol

  2. Well, her article scared the shit out of me. I've just finished driving a stake through the heart of my box of Count Chocula. Brown, crunchy, tasty coagulated blood all over my kitchen floor.

    Actually, the scariest demons of all are probably in Kimberly Daniels' closet. There's no way stuff like this could be written without a traumatic childhood, probably involving some oxygen-deprived time in an abandoned refrigerator at the local dump. On the positive side, at least I can see where anti-vaccine stories come from.

    Mmmmm, S'mores.

  3. shit i am gonna trick-or-treat twice as hard now....but all y'all know i do it just to be able to sort, count and classify the candy.


  4. Darren's comments are hilarious.

    How do people like Ms. Daniels get through the day when everyone and everything's out to get them? (cue evil laughter - BWAHAHAHAHAH!)

    I love Halloween. The kids are so frickin cute, well except for the obnoxious teenagers with a smudge of black grease paint for a "costume" and a king-sized pillow case for a trick-or-treat "basket". Those guys I'd like to smack upside the head. Must be the evil demons making me want to do wicked things. Wow! I never thought about it like that before!!! Ms. Daniels and her ilk are really on to something! Hmmmm....

  5. Bwahahaha!Darren is a cereal killer!

    This was hilarious as all get out, then it was just plain sad at this woman's delusion to the point of wondering what asylum did she escape. In the end I think I'm more afraid of "this" woman than I ever would of been of Halloween.

    And Native Americans celebrate the fall harvest of with nuts and bounty thanking Mother Earth for her blessing. Crap I've been demonized since I was born. Thanks to her the time release just took effect with that realization. Ah, Hallows Eve definitely brings out the looney. (Hugs)Indigo

  6. I am CERTAIN that I've had sex with a few demons in my day...


  7. Oh good gravy I think I know who Kimberly Daniels consorts with (raises eyebrow). You and I may be the only one who get this joke hon. (Hugs)Indy

  8. I just added Kimberly Daniels to the list of people I will prank to no end if I ever win the lottery..and with alot of mullah at my fingertips, the pranks will reach all new

  9. Mr. Mischief - the Khrister Psychopuppy Mrs. (b/c she clearly thinks "Ms." is Satanically-inspired!) Daniels ALREADY thinks you have "a lot of mullahs at your fingertips"...b/c you're a Secular Humanist, which is really no better than a bomb-tossing Islamofascist, just like Alberto Gonzalez told her in a vision.... ::shudder::

  10. Ahahahaha LMAO too too funny!!!! Think I'll post about the historical origins of Sa'wein and remember that we all have an opinion - even psychotic ones. Great post! Still lmao!!

  11. One of my more demented relatives sent a warning out to family members about the evils of Halloween. She won't allow her poor children to participate in any Halloween activities. I suspect that her kids think that she is a demon.

    With all that demon sex and orgies going on I'm thinking that maybe Saturday night will be a lot of fun. I need to practice my howling skills.

  12. Mmm, I suppose that could explain some of the sights I saw when I went to Seattle one year for Halloween. We saw a woman on her knees giving a guy (who's pants were around his ankles) a BJ as we were driving home. That had to be the demon sex and orgies.

    So, did she mention what mental institution she escaped?

  13. I stand corrected, I was informed we saw the BJ on New Year's Eve. I guess they had some of that Halloween candy a bit late or the time release was delayed?

    I ought to ask a couple of the witches I know how it works - if they would even tell me. Wait, maybe their not witches, I think they just have a title that rhymes with witch. Now I'm so confused!

  14. Oh, so was it a curse that made those Hershey's Miniatures about half the size they used to be? Out, damned demons!

  15. Wow, some folks have too much time on their hands. Me thinks the author needs a candy time-out, while dressed as a hooker with a knife through her head.

    Just sayin'

  16. Since everyone else have taken all the good jokes ...

    ... I seem to remember some Wiccan ceremony stuff that would refute the idea that Halloween is about evil and what not. But one of the things that 'the Church' did as it spread its dogma, was to assimilate the holidays and holy days of other religions and then eliminate them.

    That is why some folks denounce Halloween with the fervor they do. Ironically, where Halloween is dervive from a celebration of life, the holiday that Christmas overlaps, has rituals that involve the scary stuff.

    Funny how that works.

  17. Awesome post. I love the pumpkin pics and the story is hilarious. I have to agree with David on the demon stuff. The "secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes" sounds like just another weekend at your local gay club! :) At least that's what I'm told.
    Happy Halloween. Boo!

  18. i have always heard, from men, that sheep are just like women...

    in SOME ways.

    this crazy woman needs therapy.

  19. Hmmm, I think I get the consorts reference from Indigo as well.

    As far as witching the candy, I think Palin is behind it :o)

  20. Sex with, that woman has a porno imagination! Hmmm....seems the broad has too much time on her hands and alot of wishful thinking! I'm guessing the spells I cast the other 364 days of the year are okay ~ the only bad ones are on Halloween. Good to know. ;)

  21. Fun post Beth! As a Wiccan, it is nice to know that all that I do the rest of the year is fine by Ms. Daniels, it is just the activities on Halloween itself and its consumerist trappings she is opposed to. I'll keep that in mind, when I place a spell on Ms Daniels tomorrow.


I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?