Saturday, January 16, 2010

Holy Reanimator, Batman!

Raising the dead Does anyone remember that movie? I love it. The head scene is a classic!

I'm a little nervous while waiting for football to start (my Colts don't play until 8, so it could be a long few hours), so I'll take my mind off of it by writing about something completely different.

The other day, on PZ Myers' fine blog, I read about a guy named Randy Demain, who believes that he can raise the dead. And I'm not talking about Mr. Johnson coming to life and enjoying what would probably be a brief and extremely guilt-ridden encounter with some type of orifice (Animal? Human? Latex? Who am I to speculate?); no, this guy believes that he has the ability to command the dead to come back to life. Don't believe me? Watch the video.

Normally, I wouldn't waste my time on something so obviously insane, but I'm writing about it for a couple of reasons. First of all, this is the kind of fundamentalist loony bullshit that some people are out there spouting. Seriously. There are people out there who think this is true, and we need to watch for them and avoid them if possible. I believe we also need to counter this sort of magical, irrational thinking with a little sanity. (Maybe a little sarcasm, too. You know how I get.)

Secondly, the video is just so entertaining, just because of the guy's through-the-roof level of smarminess. This is one happy asshole. And I do mean asshole. He tells a story about giving a sermon in Africa and being interrupted and led to a woman who was "dead...very dead." (Are there degrees of dead? Isn't that sort of like being a little bit pregnant?) He goes on to express his displeasure and irritation at being so rudely torn away from his important sermonizin', saying that his thoughts were "Couldn't this have waited?" (After all, she was dead...very dead.) He was just mad at the whole situation in general, in fact: "I was mad at the devil that he made her dead to interrupt my meeting." (Two points here. Death is a natural process and no devil has anything to do with it, except perhaps for human ones; and how dare this "devil" make her dead for the sole purpose of interrupting his meeting! Of all the nerve!)

Zombies for Christ Well, he'd just had it with this and grew impatient, so he said to the dead woman, "Woman, you need to get up, because I've got things to do!" And she did! Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde!

Apparently, when raising the dead, it's imperative to use a commanding and imperious tone; treat those corpses like unruly children! Better yet, treat 'em like misbehaving ho's who need to be taught a lesson, up close and personal, and then buried (again) in the garden in your back yard. Show that corpse who's boss!

Unfortunately, after they took the woman back to the church, she stole money from them. I swear, you do and do and do for these corpses, and this is the thanks you get? They steal from you? Ungrateful, undead bastards. There's a happy ending, though. Some guys chased her down and tackled her (Randy the happy asshole showed his compassion and told them "Take it easy guys--she was just dead! Don't hurt her."), and then she accepted the Lord as her savior. I guess there is redemption even for the walking dead.

You know, I find it interesting that you can bet this guy thinks that voodoo--a religion that does believe that the dead can be raised as zombies--is the work of the devil. Yet he believes that in his religion, not only is it possible to do this, God has commanded us to do it.

The guy concludes: "This is the generation of believers that are gonna raise the dead. Don't make it too hard; just do it as you go." So there you go. Don't be afraid. Just do it! Bring that corpse back to life!

I'll wind this up with the most important point of all. I have to ask...why would you want to bring a corpse back to life? (For any mad scientists out there, that's a rhetorical question. You do it because you're mad. It's just what you do. Now get back to your important work...those body parts aren't going to assemble themselves, you know! Chop chop! Hey...get it?! Ha!) It is part of the natural order of things for all organisms to live, grow, and eventually die. If we didn't have the limiting Monkey's pawfactor of death, the planet would be overrun in no time with everything from bacteria to white-tailed deer to that family down the road that all seem to resemble each other just a little bit too much. (On a related note, this is why birth control is a good idea. Some folks you just don't want overbreeding--or interbreeding, for that matter. Talk about a spongeworthy situation!)

The aforementioned mad scientists are the only ones that think that reanimating corpses is a good idea. This leads me to the conclusion that Demain's version of God is a mad scientist. Nothing good can come from associating with mad scientists.

Today's assigned reading: "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs. That should be the final word on whether or not reanimation of corpses is a good idea. Oh, and you can watch "Pet Sematary" while you're at it. Or the movie I referenced in the title of this entry, "Reanimator." Or any one of the bazillion zombie movies that are out there. They never end well. C'mon, Demain. This is common knowledge. You don't fuck with zombies. You're lucky the one you allegedly created was just a thief; she could just have easily have bitten through your skull to eat your braaaiiinnnnsssss. Not that it would have been a satisfying meal.

14 comments:

  1. Reanimator was one of my fave movies in college. The director also did this one involving pineal gland stimulation as well. Other faves were Repo Man and Night of the Creeps.

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  2. What a commanding voice he has, raising a rigor mortis body. Wonder who paid for the trip to Africa?

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  3. I loved THE RE-ANIMATOR, as did Raq when we saw the unnrated version in a theatre. We left Tammy at home b/c she went "Ew-www!" when she heard the premise - this from the woman who came up with "The Skinners" (creatures that can magically peel your skin off and wear it, temporarily) and an assassination squad so crisscrossed with "un-magic" that her teenage girl hero was able to turn them into Villain Tartare with a magical yank! In books she wrote for teenage girls, no less! :D

    While we're on the subject of Holy Con Artists, can we get extra credit for Heinlein's STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND - especially the sections where Michael Vanentine Smith becomes first a carnival mentalist, then founds his own religion?

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  4. ha spongeworthy!


    the dead raisin' guy- what a shit douche!

    xxalainaxx

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  5. This guy is a nut (and you know how open minded I am!) To say if a person comes across a car accident...command the dead to come to life???? Hell, you'd be hauled off in a straightjacket!

    With the overpopulation in our world do you really think we need to be raising the dead?

    Always interesting visiting Nutwood Beth :)
    xxx

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  6. I LOVED the Monkey's Paw!! My Mom read that to me when I was a kid... oh, did I ever tell you how she broke me of being afraid of the dark..?

    Winners get to make the rules and theism seems to have won out across the globe. This, despite the similiarity one faith has with any ol' fairy tale, is why cats like this gets to spout this kind of nonsense.

    ND girls took one on the chin... I don't care for UConn!

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  7. so, i have a friend on FB who has a friend on FB. The other friend is a comedican....a real one...who gets gigs and makes his living off of laughs. This other friend, now known as ASSHOLE, goes on my friends FB page saying that every person who was not an immoral person or a criminal in Haiti is just "collateral damage" and so be it. He is pissed at Obama for giving OUR $$ to Haiti and making this windbag fucker pay for those in Haiti. He said he could give a shit about that country and that they DESERVED the earthquake. He said a bunch of other shit too. Well, you know me. I keep my big mouth shut on FB but i went fucking postal. I do not know big words but i have a big mouth and i took him out at the knees the best i could. Another dude, Chris, who i do not know but came to love (lol), backed me up all the way and we blew my friends FB page to hell. The "comedian" then started questioning the existance of God....i told him i hope he gets hit by a fucking bus.

    Then i to go to work and one of my coworkers says that there is a dude in the Bible named Sodom and there is a story that God burnt down some city in the Bible because they believed in a God other than the real God...i do not know the story.....so the short version of that story is my coworker believes since she heard that half of Haiti worships the devil and uses voodoo that God came down to earth this week and destroyed that country so He can start over again there.

    Maybe your dude above who is a fucking loon and raising the dead needs to take this ASSHOLE comedian over to Haiti and my coworker and see if between them and God, they can do some more damage.

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  8. Just when you think they've gotten as weird as they can, something like this comes along!

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  9. Frankly, the word 'charlatan' keeps coming to mind when I think of such men...

    As for more cinematic proof, there is always Shawn of the Dead.

    And Yay for the Colts!

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  10. Hi Beth,
    Reminds me of the day we discovered that a corpse was sitting in our midst at Starbucks. If you can believe it, he was there for hours sitting at the bus stop and nobody noticed anything unusual ...
    Best,
    Marty

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  11. If we didn't have the limiting factor of death, the planet would be overrun in no time with everything from bacteria to white-tailed deer to that family down the road that all seem to resemble each other just a little bit too much.

    I agree. So why are so many people against suicide? If someone does not want to live, as long as they aren't leaving anyone behind for YOU to care for, why the strong opposition?

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  12. Howard has the right word for the likes of him...Charlatan..I just get so upset for folks with little minds being whipped up by the likes of his rantings...
    You write so well Beth..You hit the nail right on the head ...as the saying over here goes !
    Love sybil x

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  13. Dear Beth,
    Thank you so much for exposing this guy! what a looney tunes!
    Beth are you aware that the man who brought people to a sweat lodge and a few of them died because he said that they could not leave..he is walking out a free man???? Where is the justice in that?
    Thanks again great work as always!
    hugs,natalie

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  14. LOL. Beth, I think if she ate that brain, she might still be more than a bit peckish. :)

    I loved this post Beth. I'm somewhat relived necromancy is relegated to movies and books. What a dangerous dark art to have available to the mases. Just boggles the mind, what people would do. You probably know I adore all things undead, so to see a decent zombie treated like this, breaks my heart. If you have not seen the film Fido give it a try. It's good stuff!

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I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?