Tuesday, June 29, 2010

In a state of high hilarity

Minions Despite kind of a crummy start to the day, I'm now in a good mood and laughing. It wasn't a totally horrible day, not at all. I just had to spend over a couple of hours sitting in the waiting room at the Ford dealership as they did some work on my car. Nothing major, everything was fine...just some routine maintenance, and an electrical systems check that showed that I had a bum battery. Still under warranty, so no charge for a new one!

The upside of the wait that was that I got a lot read in my current book, Blasphemy by Douglas Preston. I'm about halfway through it, and I started it last night. He's one of my favorite authors (he and Lincoln Child have written some really entertaining books, including many with FBI Agent Aloysius Pendergast.) This one is about a supercollider deep in the Arizona desert. (It's an American project, so it has no chance of being deported. HA! Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.) What's really fun is that there is a televangelist involved, ranting about how the supercollider is an affront to God and a product of ay-thee-istic scientists trying to discredit the story of Genesis and creationism. There are mentions of secular humanism and liberal elites and it's all just a lot of fun! What I find especially amusing is that some of these rants from this preacher (who recently survived a scandal in which he was caught cornholing a couple of prostitutes in a hotel room) are things that I've heard almost verbatim from various televangelists over the years. I'm really having a good time with this one!

After getting my car back (all washed and looking awesome), I ran a few errands. When I got home, there was an invitation in the mailbox, for an "old-fashioned Independence Day celebration!" Woohoo! One of the neighbors is apparently having a shindig. The only thing that people have to bring is hamburgers and/or hot dogs and buns for your family and guests. Oh, and two side dishes (salad, dessert, etc.) plus extra if you bring guests. Oh, and serving utensils (labeled) for your dish, a cooler for your dishes that need to be kept cold, lawn chairs and/or blankets, insect repellant [sic], fishing pole for the Biggest Bass Competition (optional), and if you have an ice cream maker and would be willing to bring homemade ice cream in place of ONE of your side dishes, there was a contact number provided. They will provide pop, tea, lemonade, table service, and "awesome fireworks after dark." There will be activities for all ages, and "great Christian fellowship and outreach opportunities."

Now THAT sounds like a party! I'm sure it will be a really nice time for all involved, but I'm guessing it's not my cup of tea...in fact, I bet there would be some teabaggers there that I might get into a discussion with. Since I don't have a desire to have the house firebombed, or being shunned Amish-style, I think I'll pass on the invitation. One little ornery part of me, though, had the passing thought of how much fun it would be to take a cooler full of beer and just be as contrary and as obnoxious as possible. No, of course, I'd never do that...but it was fun to think about for a moment. You all know me well enough to see the humor in the situation. The phrase "wolf among the sheep" comes to mind!

Hypno Hotties A question. How many of you here are satisfied with being my minions? Please raise your hand if you feel good about it. What? No one? You don't even know what I'm talking about? What the hell am I doing wrong? This is embarrassing. I really thought that my hypnotic personality and powers of suggestion (Perhaps even a little bit of charm...? A gal can hope.) would cause you to do my bidding, and that I could unleash you upon my enemies in order to wreak havoc upon them. I am humiliated that none of you are feeling the least bit miniony. If some of you are feeling a little confused, it's probably because you didn't get the minion memo, in which I sent you all out to be my eyes and ears on the Web as I sit in my basement lair and direct you all like the puppet master I am. Dance, minions, dance! Bwahahaha!

The background there really doesn't matter. It just makes me laugh that anyone could think that anyone who reads this—I find you a genuinely intelligent bunch—would ever take direction from me or be so vapid and directionless that you would want to. I find it amusing that anyone would think that I would try to do so. I'm a fairly resourceful woman, and I think most of you see that in me. I don't need minions. I don't want minions. OR henchmen or henchwomen. I appreciate those of you who continue to read me, and I appreciate any new readers I get along the way. I appreciate your intelligence, your spirit, and your independence. I suppose that anyone who thinks that I would manipulate anyone in such a manner, or send them to do my bidding, is merely projecting and is thinking about how they would behave, rather than how I operate. Perhaps they are thinking of how they spin things in order to get people, their own easily manipulable friends, to sympathize with them and feel sorry for them.

I love it that you are all intelligent, thinking people who will never compromise, never bow to anyone, and will always stand up for your principles. If you ever allowed yourselves to be manipulated or directed by me, it's likely that you wouldn't be friends with me, or would not still be reading me. I love you just the way you are, and don't go changin' to try and please me!


  1. I don't think they are projecting how they'd behave as much as their subconscious is recognizing what has happened to them and is screaming 'save me' as loudly as possible.

  2. I am a big fan of Preston and Child as well. The books of theirs that I have read do take various swings at religious doctrines and one can generally cheer that the the guy who says that god will punish them all ends up being blown up at some point in the journey.

  3. I have a sudden urge for chips and French minion dip. heeheehee

  4. I hate to break this news to you, but I'm TOTALLY one of your minions.

    Awaiting your instructions...


  5. Okay, David...I minionize thee and bid you to go forth, be fruitful, and be fabulous! :D Mmmmwah!

  6. I can only hope there are a few third-degree burns from fireworks at this "celebration".

    Most Evil Minion,

  7. Just wait till we show up at your hours with "Minion of Beth" t-shirts. (and on the back, "Members of the MOB")

  8. Oh boy, oh boy! Blasphemy will be the next book I download to my Kindle. Sounds like MY kind of yarn!

    I advise you to skip the "Bring Everything But Your Kitchen Sink" picnic, in deference to your blood pressure. Christian fellowship be damned!

  9. Beth, I think the party is a trick. From the list, it looks like your neighbor has been hard hit by the recession, and is hoping to procure as many summer items as possible from unsuspecting folk that attend. They will take as much as they can during the fireworks. Somehow I missed the "Minion of Beth" T-shirt memo from fellow minions. Will get one ASAP. Your ever devoted minion.;)

  10. :( I'm sorry I'm not your minion, Beth. I feel like I've disappointed *someone*. By the way, that someone doesn't live in Indiana, does she?


I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?