I've got another confession to make

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

~~ "The Best of You" by The Foo Fighters

I'm not very happy with myself over the past couple of days. Maybe even weeks.

I've found myself irritable and ready to lash out online (not in person and not to anyone I'm close to). When I'm feeling that way, I try to figure out what is getting under my skin.

It wasn't hard to put my finger on it.

I am disgusted by what is going on in our country right now but that is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not just disgusted by the stupid policy decisions. I'm disgusted by the shortsightedness, the crassness, the viciousness, the hatred, the bigotry, the willful ignorance, the denigration of our justice and law enforcement institutions, the hypocrisy, the rabid sycophancy, and the sheer dumbfuckery that I'm seeing every goddamn day.

And I'm not just disgusted. I'm disheartened, I'm saddened, I'm embarrassed, I'm shocked (still, amazingly), I'm heartsick...

...and I'm angry. I mean, there are times when I feel so angry that I can barely process it. I seriously want to cut a bitch sometimes. I feel stabby way too often.

I've been feeling this way for a while but it really culminated over the past couple of days. Two things:

First, the Vulgar Talking Yam and his pet ghost were in my city. MY city, the one I love so much for its progress, diversity, efforts to make things better for all its citizens, and our beloved Mayor Pete Buttigieg. The "president" and vice-president (my former Governor, thank science, but I'm sorry America) landed in my city and then traveled to another city a few miles east, where I also used to live. It is a much more Republican county than ours, so it didn't surprise me that they moved their rally so that they could get more rabid supporters to pack the high school gym.

I know there is no scientific or rational basis to this, but it bothered me greatly knowing that they were both here. Almost as if there were a disturbance in the Space-Time Continuum. It felt like bad mojo was in the air. When I heard the jets take off after the rally, it made me feel rage to hear them flying over our airspace. I walked out onto the deck and flipped the double bird at the sky. I felt a little bit better.

Second, a low-level White House aide made a joke about how Senator John McCain isn't backing the choice of Gina Haspel for CIA Director because of her compliance with our recent horrible history of torture. She said, "It doesn't matter...he's dying anyway."

HAHAHAHA that is so fucking funny. The guy with an inoperable brain tumor, the guy who spent five years as a POW in Vietnam, is dying!

But what's really funny is that that aide still has her job. And even more hilarious is that the White House refuses to apologize or censor her for her comments! Is that a laff-riot, or what?! Wheeeee!

Listen, I've had my issues with Senator McCain in the past and I still bear some animosity towards him for foisting the Grifter from Wasilla upon our nation. But the guy has served his country for 50+ years, including in the military, which is a helluva lot more than Cadet Bone Spurs can say.

As others have pointed out, the fish rots from the head. The current occupant of the people's house has built this. He has lowered our level of discourse to such a degree that his yampeople are calling for the jailing of political opponents (who haven't even been charged with a crime), the death of free speech and even the death of journalists, the demonization of refugees fleeing oppressive regimes, and perhaps worst of all, the death of facts, truth, reason, and justice.

He has lowered the level of discourse to the point that I can no longer discuss issues and politics with anyone who watches nothing but FoxNews. That sounds like a simplistic and unfair statement, but I assure you, it is not. Those who watch nothing but that for their news are subjected to a litany of propaganda that puts Goebbels to shame. (I think I just Godwinned myself but I stand by the comparison.) When truth and values don't matter any longer, as James Comey said, "Who are we as a country?"

These things make me angry. But what makes me angriest is that I feel the suck of the "president's" negativity in my own mind. When he feels threatened, he lashes out and attacks like a cornered animal. I'm getting a glimmer of that sort of lashing out in myself and this is unacceptable to me. It is one thing to have a reasonable discussion but lashing out at others online is the lazy, dumb way to make myself feel better. It also provides a very fleeting satisfaction.

I don't want to be that way. I refuse to allow him to bring me down to his level. That is not the best of me.

Don't worry. I'm not going all kumbaya on you. I have zero tolerance for bigotry, homophobia, lies, and refusing to believe the facts. I'll call that crap out all damn day. But I'll pick my battles and be strategic about it. Personal interaction counts for much more than just getting into arguments on social media.

My main goal is to maintain my chill. I'm sure I'll still have my anger-like-liquid-hot-magma moments, but I will do my best to be like Spock.

We'll see how that works out. 

A day like buttah

Loads and loads of real buttah! [private joke!]

It’s not often that you get a week-long stretch of just unbelievably gorgeous weather, but that’s what we’ve had this week. Cousin Shane has apparently developed psychic abilities and asked for this week off on vacation. I’m glad it’s been so perfect for him!

After a quick trip to the store this morning, I got in a super good workout. Beyond the 8 miles on the bike and doing weights, I did 35+ minutes and 1.8 miles on the elliptical! Woohoo! I’m going to go ahead and pat myself on the back for that one (pat pat), because when I first started on the elliptical, I could do about 3 minutes before I had to stop. So I’ve made some great progress, and I’m pretty damn proud of it! Since I started hitting it harder and eating smaller portions, I’ve lost 4 pounds, and I’m proud of that, too. Our upcoming vacation could be a problem, because I won’t be able to get those kinds of workouts done, but we’ll try to get in lots of walking, and the occasional workout at various hotels we’ll be staying at. I’ve already realized that I won’t be able to eat at every Route 66 restaurant, and definitely won’t be able to do breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just can’t eat that much! We’ll do what we can, we’ll eat at some good ones, and stop for a drink at other good ones.

After my workout, I got the stuff together in the crockpot for Italian beef sandwiches tonight, then spent some time on the deck—a little sunning (it was hot!) and a lot of reading. I got to watch a lot of birds stop by for a bite and a drink, and Chip and Dale (our chipmunks) chowed down on the corn I put out for them and then chased each other around. It was cute. :)

I made plans with Shane for a late breakfast/early lunch on his day off this coming Tuesday. We read this morning that a locally owned restaurant, Cira’s, is closing soon. Shane has been there a while back, but I don’t think I’ve been there since I was a kid. Apparently the elderly owner has had a health setback, and although the employees and family have tried to keep it going in his absence, they feel that he won’t be coming back to work there and the time has come to close it. Shane and I have talked about how we wanted to go there, and when we saw that they’re closing soon, we said, “We have to get there!” Thank goodness that we can both do it on Tuesday, before Ken and I leave on vacation. I forget exactly when the article said it was closing—sometime within the next couple of weeks, when we’re on our trip.

Our grandparents lived right around the corner from the restaurant, and I remember walking around that neighborhood when our folks would visit Grandma and Grandpa. I’m sad that this South Bend fixture is closing soon, but I’m glad Shane and I get to go before it closes its doors. It’s also a good reminder to do these things before it’s too late! How many times do you say, “We need to stop there” or “We need to go there one of these days”? After Ken and I get back from our trip, we’ll find a time soon to go to Buffalo Rose in Lakeville, because I’m afraid it might not be around for long, especially once the new highway is open and bypasses the town.

I’m learning that sometimes you have to make time to do these things, rather than just passing by and saying, “I’ll stop next time I go by,” especially when it comes to these little locally owned places. Our choices are becoming increasingly generic, so seek the unique! Hey, I’d better trademark that. Seek the Unique!™

Tomorrow will be a quiet day at Nutwood, with outside time and a BBQ42 (barbecue for two). Ribs, probably some grilled potatoes with onions, and cucumbers and onions in that creamy sauce (some of you know what I’m talking about!). I’m also thinking about a pomegranate martooni. Sunday is an afternoon at our local zoo (the Potawatomi Zoo), a fine little zoo for a small city and one that I haven’t been to since I was in elementary school, with Ken’s Mom and her friend Yvonne, followed by dinner at the Oaken Bucket. Another locally owned place, and one that has what are widely considered to be the best burgers in town. Lots of warm weather all weekend, which is exactly what I like, and it might even be nice enough that we can sit outside on the patio by the St. Joseph River.

Oh, and Mick Jagger is hosting SNL this week, with musical guests including Arcade Fire, Jeff Beck, and...Foo Fighters! Angels are singing, people! ANGELS ARE SINGING! 

Beth’s Music Moment: “These Days” by Foo Fighters

I think this might be a first for my Music Moment: writing about one particular song. But I mentioned this song in my previous entry, and it’s been on heavy rotation both in the CD player and in my head.

This song gets to me on multiple levels. Technically, I love the way it’s structured (you can scroll down to read the lyrics and watch the video if you’d like, before you continue to read my commentary). It starts off with some quiet guitar, and Dave Grohl sings the opening lines rather sweetly. It seems like it’s going to be a ballad about love and loss, life and death, and Dave tells us everything’s gonna be all right. Then *BAM*—it kicks in, as does Dave’s powerful voice. The anguish and rage as he almost screams the lyrics makes me think of a person so frustrated and hurt by something that they get angry at someone who is trying to comfort them. And who hasn’t been there? A friend is hurting, they pour out their heart to you, and you tell them, “It’s gonna be all right, I know it.” You mean well, and you’re just trying to encourage them, but they’re just so focused on their own pain that they lash out at you: “Yeah, that’s easy for YOU to say! You’ve never been through this, you don’t know how much pain I’m in, you don’t know how I feel!” Or maybe you’ve been the one in pain, and you haven’t wanted to hear such platitudes...you just want your friend to take some of your pain away, and it makes you even angrier to know that they can’t do that, and this is something you’ll have to work through in your own heart and mind. This song just expresses that perfectly for me.

Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 50, or because I’ve had to deal with deaths of loved ones recently, but this song makes me ponder mortality. Both my own and in general. It’s an inevitability. One of these days, my heart will stop and play its final beat. The thought of that doesn’t scare me. Logically and rationally, I know it will happen, and I don’t worry about what awaits me when it does. But I find myself thinking a lot lately about just how much there still is to do and experience, and especially how many good books I want to read! I do worry about whether I’ll get everything in that I want to get in. We only get one shot at this, and we’d better make the most of it, you know?

I’m to the point where I can’t hear this song without getting choked up. Even just thinking of it in my head, like I’m doing right now, makes me a little weepy. I’ve made no secret of my love for Dave Grohl, and he’s written a lot of great, rockin’ songs in his lifetime (and I hope he has a ways to go before his heart plays its final beat). He really knocked it out of the park for me with this one, though. I’m sure I’ll never have the chance to tell him how much this song means to me, but it’s got to be a great and humbling feeling to know that something you created can touch someone so profoundly. For that, I thank you, Mr. Grohl. Long may you rock.

"These Days"

One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet
One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing
One of these days their bombs will drop and silence everything

But it's all right
Yeah it's all right
I said it's all right

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet
One of these days
One of these days

One of these days your eyes will close and pain will disappear
One of these days you will forget to hope and learn to fear

But it's all right
Yeah it's all right
I said it's all right

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet
One of these days
One of these days

But it's all right
Yeah it's all right
I said it's all right
Yes it's all right

Don't say it's all right
Don't say it's all right
Don't say it's all right

One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
But it's all right

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart will be broken
I bet your pride will be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet

One of these days
One of these days
One of these days