I've got another confession to make

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

~~ "The Best of You" by The Foo Fighters

I'm not very happy with myself over the past couple of days. Maybe even weeks.

I've found myself irritable and ready to lash out online (not in person and not to anyone I'm close to). When I'm feeling that way, I try to figure out what is getting under my skin.

It wasn't hard to put my finger on it.

I am disgusted by what is going on in our country right now but that is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not just disgusted by the stupid policy decisions. I'm disgusted by the shortsightedness, the crassness, the viciousness, the hatred, the bigotry, the willful ignorance, the denigration of our justice and law enforcement institutions, the hypocrisy, the rabid sycophancy, and the sheer dumbfuckery that I'm seeing every goddamn day.

And I'm not just disgusted. I'm disheartened, I'm saddened, I'm embarrassed, I'm shocked (still, amazingly), I'm heartsick...

...and I'm angry. I mean, there are times when I feel so angry that I can barely process it. I seriously want to cut a bitch sometimes. I feel stabby way too often.

I've been feeling this way for a while but it really culminated over the past couple of days. Two things:

First, the Vulgar Talking Yam and his pet ghost were in my city. MY city, the one I love so much for its progress, diversity, efforts to make things better for all its citizens, and our beloved Mayor Pete Buttigieg. The "president" and vice-president (my former Governor, thank science, but I'm sorry America) landed in my city and then traveled to another city a few miles east, where I also used to live. It is a much more Republican county than ours, so it didn't surprise me that they moved their rally so that they could get more rabid supporters to pack the high school gym.

I know there is no scientific or rational basis to this, but it bothered me greatly knowing that they were both here. Almost as if there were a disturbance in the Space-Time Continuum. It felt like bad mojo was in the air. When I heard the jets take off after the rally, it made me feel rage to hear them flying over our airspace. I walked out onto the deck and flipped the double bird at the sky. I felt a little bit better.

Second, a low-level White House aide made a joke about how Senator John McCain isn't backing the choice of Gina Haspel for CIA Director because of her compliance with our recent horrible history of torture. She said, "It doesn't matter...he's dying anyway."

HAHAHAHA that is so fucking funny. The guy with an inoperable brain tumor, the guy who spent five years as a POW in Vietnam, is dying!

But what's really funny is that that aide still has her job. And even more hilarious is that the White House refuses to apologize or censor her for her comments! Is that a laff-riot, or what?! Wheeeee!

Listen, I've had my issues with Senator McCain in the past and I still bear some animosity towards him for foisting the Grifter from Wasilla upon our nation. But the guy has served his country for 50+ years, including in the military, which is a helluva lot more than Cadet Bone Spurs can say.

As others have pointed out, the fish rots from the head. The current occupant of the people's house has built this. He has lowered our level of discourse to such a degree that his yampeople are calling for the jailing of political opponents (who haven't even been charged with a crime), the death of free speech and even the death of journalists, the demonization of refugees fleeing oppressive regimes, and perhaps worst of all, the death of facts, truth, reason, and justice.

He has lowered the level of discourse to the point that I can no longer discuss issues and politics with anyone who watches nothing but FoxNews. That sounds like a simplistic and unfair statement, but I assure you, it is not. Those who watch nothing but that for their news are subjected to a litany of propaganda that puts Goebbels to shame. (I think I just Godwinned myself but I stand by the comparison.) When truth and values don't matter any longer, as James Comey said, "Who are we as a country?"

These things make me angry. But what makes me angriest is that I feel the suck of the "president's" negativity in my own mind. When he feels threatened, he lashes out and attacks like a cornered animal. I'm getting a glimmer of that sort of lashing out in myself and this is unacceptable to me. It is one thing to have a reasonable discussion but lashing out at others online is the lazy, dumb way to make myself feel better. It also provides a very fleeting satisfaction.

I don't want to be that way. I refuse to allow him to bring me down to his level. That is not the best of me.

Don't worry. I'm not going all kumbaya on you. I have zero tolerance for bigotry, homophobia, lies, and refusing to believe the facts. I'll call that crap out all damn day. But I'll pick my battles and be strategic about it. Personal interaction counts for much more than just getting into arguments on social media.

My main goal is to maintain my chill. I'm sure I'll still have my anger-like-liquid-hot-magma moments, but I will do my best to be like Spock.

We'll see how that works out. 

The Pessimistic Generation?

First off, I would like to wish a very happy birthday to my most excellent Mom! I tried calling earlier today and they must be gallivanting around. I swear, they have a busier social life than Ken and I do. I hope to talk to her later today. Love you lots, Mom!

I've written before about how my family has always talked politics, and an interest in such matters was always encouraged. During the election, I talked with my folks about things that were happening, especially with my Mom, but it became increasingly clear that Dad and I were on opposite sides of the court. After the election, we didn't talk much about it, but Dad would drop little hints about becoming a "socialist" country, although he said that although he doesn't like the President's policies, he (Obama) is his commander-in-chief and he will respect him as such.

A while back, Dad and I were talking on the phone, and what was it that came up...oh, it was health care, surprise, surprise. We got to talking, and things became heated. Of course, I love my Dad, and I know he loves me, but as you all know, I am quite passionate about the subject of health care reform. We eventually agreed to disagree, but I felt bad that the conversation had gotten beyond the normal bounds of civil discussion. (I'm sure plenty of people would have heard this and thought, "What? You think that's bad? You should hear my family!" But we're an easygoing bunch, and even just raising one's voice is beyond the norm for us.) Later that evening, I called up and apologized, and Dad said it's okay, honey, and we exchanged "love yous." A week later, I was talking with Mom, and she put Dad on the phone saying that he wanted to say something to me. He apologized to me, saying that he felt bad that I felt bad, and doggone it if I'm not choking myself up here! Anyhoo, bottom line is we're cool as cucumbers, we know that nothing can ever come between us...but it's probably a good idea if we don't get into further discussions like that!

One of the things that took place in the discussion was that Dad feels that he's witnessing the end of our country. I asked how he could think that, and he replied that he's seeing us becoming more and more socialist, and that republics such as ours typically last a couple of hundred years and then fail. After asserting that we are far from socialist (the free market still reigns), I wondered what he thinks has happened with England, France, and other countries, ones that are much more left-leaning than ours, but are still going strong. After discussion in this vein, I finally said that I guess that's the difference between us, because you are pessimistic about our future, and I am optimistic. I still feel that we have great things ahead of us, discoveries to be made, challenges to be met.

As I pondered this discussion later, it surprised me that my Dad, someone who is a part of the Greatest Generation, would feel this sort of pessimism. After all, he and his fellow WWII veterans (here and around the world) and those who stayed at home and kept things running, pretty much saved the world from a despotic dictator. When they returned, their hard work turned our economy into the powerhouse that it is (or was), and their belief that all things were possible if you worked hard enough is what put a man on the moon. I realize that there were problems to be dealt with concerning civil rights and women's issues, but there is no denying that the Greatest Generation did great things...why the pessimism now?

The only thing I can think that it might be is the vast social changes that we've witnessed in the past few decades. I would say that folks in my parents' generation were, by and large, a conservative bunch. I suspect that the changes we've seen in the social fabric of our country are quite jarring to many of them. My folks are pretty cool, and quite tolerant people, but these are profound changes that I'm sure make them and others feel as if their entire world is different, and not one that they entirely understand.

I'm on the tail end of the Baby Boom, on the cusp of Generation X (as is our President). We are definitely a more socially liberal group, kids when the sweeping social changes set our country on its ear. I was too young to remember a lot of that, but did some research on it as I got older. I never felt that there was anything I couldn't or shouldn't do because I was a woman, and I never felt any sort of fear or hatred of minorities, and that was thanks to my parents. I find it interesting that although they may have felt some unease at what was happening, they never imparted any sort of ideas to me that any of it was wrong.

This may have had unintended consequences. As we broke down the walls between us and the rest of the world, and as communications improved, we came to see that we were part of a global economy, and it was no longer a matter of "my country right or wrong." Events of the previous eight years have shown a disastrous foreign policy that has led to widespread hatred of the U.S. in many countries. I choose to see us not as the moral arbiter of the world, but a country that can lead by example (including taking care of our own when it comes to their health care needs) and can exhibit a humanitarian attitude that wishes for the betterment of all.

I think this is where I differ with my Dad and some others of his generation: it is no longer just about us. It is no longer about how wealthy we are or how powerful we are. We do not stand alone in this world. Environmental practices on the other side of the world affect our entire planet and pose as much of a risk to us as they do to anyone else. We certainly have a moral obligation to help those in need in our own country, but we cannot focus merely on that and ignore the rest of the world. As Roland the Gunslinger says, "The world has moved on." And we are part of it, whether anyone likes it or not.

I'll close with a song from one of my favorite bands, The Rainmakers.

Spend It On Love

You tell of man who took a hundred dollars
Spent it on lottery tickets and beer
Won a couple of million, left his wife and children
Lived himself to death in a couple of years

Should have spent it on love
Spend it on his children
Spend it on the ones who need it the most
Take your little bundle put her in a basket
Leave her on the doorstep of her future home

I hear of an army taking lots of money
Spending it on guns and rows of barbed wire
Blew it all away
Their homeless and their hungry
Had to bite the bullet
Taste the bloody war

Well Johnny in the belly of a billionaire,
Swallowed by the music he played
Gonna have to ride that camel through the eye
Of a phonograph needle someday

I hear of a country
Where they say the city's all have pretty streets
That are paved with gold
They may not be gold
But they were built by people
Paying heavy taxes for a dream they still hold

Spend it on love
Spend it on the children
Spend it on the ones who need it the most
Take your little bundle put her in a basket
Leave her on the doorstep of her future home

A narrow escape

We had a lot of fun last evening, at the little birthday party for my sister Sue. Her daughter, my niece Jana, and Jana's husband Brian had it at their house. Their house used to belong to Sue and my brother-in-law Dave, and when Sue and Dave bought a new house, Jana and Brian bought theirs. Still with me? It was neat to see what Jana and Brian have done with it--really warm and interesting paint colors, a corner fireplace on the main level, a home theater on one of the basement levels, and Brian works from home, so he has a really nice office. Jana has done a great job with decorating, and definitely has the knack for it!

Jana made manicotti, and it was very good. We all brought various other things, and had a nice time visiting and eating together. My youngest great-nephew, Hunter, was there, and he's gotten so big! He's a doll, and reminds me very much of my nephew Steve (his Dad) when he was a baby.

I got there a little early at Jana's invitation, because I didn't want to stay late since Ken was getting back from Iowa last night. Also, my night vision is terrible, and I try not to drive at night. Well, that didn't work out so well, because I'd forgotten how quickly dark falls at this time of year. I drove home in the dark, and it was also raining lightly, so that made it worse. I even wore my glasses instead of my contact lenses, but wow, it bothers me to drive in those conditions! I made it home safe and sound, obviously, but I definitely breathed a sigh of relief when I got home. I'm not sure why it's so bad...I guess my eyes are just bad in general, and bad night vision is a part of it.

My Mom called early yesterday afternoon to see if I wanted them to pick me up. I thanked them for the offer, but explained that I'd be leaving earlier than they would probably want to. I hadn't talked to Mom yet about the election, so we chatted about that for a bit. She's hoping that Obama does well, she likes him a lot, and believes he's an extremely intelligent man. I said I was happy I got to talk to her before our get-together, because I figured that it wasn't something that I was going to bring up that evening. She laughed and said, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea."

Soooo...a few hours later, we're all sitting in the basement, having our dinner. Jana is to my left, and Brian is across from me. The rest of the family is at the larger table to our left. Brian and I heard Susie saying something like, "I have to say that with this election...." Brian and I looked at each other, and Brian said, "Oh no, did she just mention the election?" I said, "Yeah! I told Mom earlier that I wasn't going to bring it up!" Jana missed this part, and asked, "Are they talking about politics? I told Grandma [my Mom] that we can't do that to my Mom on her birthday." Brian said, "Your Mom is the one who brought it up!" I'm laughing about it now, but I suspect that both Brian and I had a moment of panic, where we thought, "Oh no, this could really hit the fan." Brian started talking about seeing deer in their back yard, and he was effective in distracting me from the conversation at the other table. I'm happy to say that no voices were raised, and it seemed to be a civil discussion. I look forward to getting past this initial stage, so that I can feel free to discuss politics with my family again. I think emotions are still a little too high right now.

So once again, you all can be proud of me for not stirring the pot. You don't know how tempting it was, but it will keep for another day.