Waiter, tell my food to stop looking at me

I’m still trying to shake of this cold, and I’m hoping that I’m past the worst of it. I want to feel good tomorrow, because my sisters are picking me up and we’re heading down to see our folks. Mom and Dad want to take us out for lunch at their favorite Chinese buffet, and I want to be able to eat my money’s worth! (That’s never really a problem, though.) I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, and I’m sure we’ll have a fun afternoon.

There was an article in our local paper today about some people just across the state line, in Niles, Michigan, who found a very eerie slice of ham. Check it out:

Do you see the face? The woman said that some people see a demon. Others see “an old Chinese warrior.” Her grandson sees a skeleton. "Here's the bone, where you can see the two eyes," the woman said. "Down below, you can see the mustache and the beard. From here on down, it looks like a Chinese warrior. It's strange. You can see an ear over here. I've never seen anything like it."

It’s Kung Fu Ham!

They plan to put it up on eBay. If it doesn’t sell, I wonder if they’ll eat it? The woman’s sister-in-law, who is—and here’s where it starts getting really weird—a “demon spotter,” says that she would never eat the ham slice. Good advice, because it’s always a bad idea to eat a demon. Or an old Chinese warrior, for that matter.

Okay, a couple of questions here. What is with people seeing images in food? Usually it’s an image of Jesus on a tortilla or something like that. I think I remember one in some kind of pastry around here recently, and one of the most entertaining recently was a picture posted by one of my Mafia Wars Facebook friends, Corky from Liverpool: an image of Jesus on a half-eaten Kit Kat bar. I could really see the image, too! (Click to embiggen.) As I commented, I’ve always loved Kit Kat bars, but didn’t know I had to worship them!

Of course, if I saw an image in my food, I’d be taking pictures of it, too.

And why do people think that if God wanted to give them a sign, He’d do it through putting an image in their food? Wouldn’t it be a little more effective and convincing to heal the sick, make the lame walk, or the blind see, rather than embedding your mug in the middle of a Kit Kat bar? Have these people never heard the word “random?”

Finally, I have to address this “demon spotter” thing. What in blue blazes is a demon spotter? Is there a school for that, or is in an innate talent? Can you find a demon spotter apprenticeship program anywhere? Can you get a BSDS degree? How much does a demon spotter make? Are there health benefits? Do you get hazardous duty pay—because I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to mess with demons, either for real or in a ham slice. I hear they’re ugly and smelly and can really mess up your place. Even Febreze won’t get that sulfur smell out of the furniture.

All things being equal, I guess I’d rather encounter the Holy Kit Kat bar, Batman, than the demon-infested ham slice.

Thinking of Kung Fu Ham naturally made me think of one of the most infamous one hit wonders. It is a shameful part of our musical history, but those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it. It’s okay to sing along (I do) as long as we remember: never again.