A paradigm shift

I used to hate that phrase when I heard it in meetings at the lab, but it seems that I have experienced a bona fide paradigm shift of my own.

Or maybe it was more of a two-by-four upside the head.

Either way, it was quite an epiphany. Settle back, because this is going to be a long one (that’s what she said). Okay, I’ll stop with the dick jokes. This is important…at least to me!

I wrote last week about our fun vacation in New Orleans, and one of the funnest things was seeing a band called the Daywalkers. They have a Facebook page up now, so go check it out and like I always say, show the band some love! We were cruising down Bourbon and heard some unmistakable washboard playing. It was Alex, who we had seen a couple of other times when we were in NOLA, but with another band. Turns out that he’s in a new band, the Daywalkers, and they are even more fun and talented than his previous band, at least in my opinion. A better mix of music, lots of great energy, and some harmonizing that makes your heart take wing. Shut up! I can be eloquent sometimes!

Anyway, I kind of took a shine to the guitarist. I wrote about Jason previously, about how he was really nice and sweet, and invited us out to his other gig one night. You know how you sometimes just feel like someone is kind of cool and would probably be an interesting person to know? That was the vibe I got. I can’t explain it, but sometimes you just dig a person.

So after seeing the band a few times and chatting with Jason a bit and having him tell me that he was on Facebook, I found him there and sent a friend request. He accepted fairly quickly, and I looked at his profile. Turned out he is pretty conservative. He’s from Texas, so I should have guessed that, but for some reason, I didn’t.

Here’s where my epiphany comes in. I went through this thought process:

1. Oh man...I’m a liberal, and he’s really conservative. He’s not going to like me anymore!
2. Wow...can I really be friends with someone who is so conservative?
3. Holy shit...did I just wonder if I could be friends with someone—this cool and nice guy who is a fantastic musician—just because he’s a conservative, and I’m a liberal? That is fucked up.

It was like someone tossed a glass of cold water in my face. I felt ashamed of myself. Was I so far gone that it would even occur to me that I might not be able to be friends with someone because he is conservative? Was I such an asshole that I would think so little of HIM that I would assume he wouldn’t like me because I'm a liberal? To be somewhat easier on myself, it wasn’t so much that I was thinking he might think that way...it was just that I’ve been burned that way before when a relative defriended and blocked me because of my opinions. That hurt me deeply, and I was afraid that was going to happen again.

My fears were unwarranted. The next time we saw them play, he gave me a grin from onstage, and when they took a break, he came over to say hi, and shook Ken’s hand and gave me a hug. I said, “Thank you for still liking me even though I’m a crazy little liberal!” He shook his head and said, “Nah. You’re not a liberal.” I laughed and said, “I really kind of am.” He said, “You guys own a pickup?” I said actually, yeah, we do. He said, “Then you’re not a liberal.” After a brief discussion of guns, in which I said it might make him feel better to know that I’m a responsible gun owner, he said, “You own a gun? You’re not a liberal.” He was cracking me up, but he was just so matter-of-fact about it, it seemed like it was no big deal to him, and I felt even more ashamed of myself for doubting him and for being so unfair that I had actually wondered for a brief moment if we could really be friends.

The thought occurred to me that my Dad would have loved this guy and would have immediately started talking to him about guns. My Dad was a super conservative guy, and we didn’t always agree about stuff, but we could have civil discussions about it. I loved him completely and with no reservations, so how the hell did I get to the point where I would actually wonder—even if only for a split second—if I could be friends with a conservative? What happened to me? I thought of my cousin Curt, who is also a conservative, but was my protector when we were at Ball State, and with whom I have always been able to have great philosophical and political discussions. We met up with him and his wife a while back and we once again found many things on which we had common ground. My brother-in-law Tom is a conservative, but we are also able to discuss these things, and at the end of the day, I still love him like my own brother, and I’m reasonably certain he still loves me.

It was a real eye opener. I pondered this quite a while, and I resolved to make a change. I can’t change others, but I can change myself. I realized that while those of us on the left may talk about the “conservative bubble,” in which opinions are confirmed and reinforced by what people read and watch, on the left we have our own bubble. It is a closed loop of confirmation bias. Granted, I don’t think our bubble is quite as impenetrable as the conservative bubble, but it is definitely still there. I don’t watch FoxNews, but I also stopped watching MSNBC quite some time ago. I will probably upset a lot of my liberal friends by saying that I don’t even watch Rachel Maddow!

My viewpoints aren’t changing. But I hereby resolve to raise the bar when it comes to discourse. I was always able to have such discussions with my Dad, I can have them with Curt, I can have them with Tom, and I hope to have some fun and interesting discussions with Jason not about politics, but about music. As I told him, if we can’t come together over music, what CAN we come together over? Music is sacred to me, and I still feel horribly ashamed of myself for even thinking that we might not be able to be friends because of our political differences. Seriously. Shame on me.

The ad hominem attacks from me stop. I will still disagree with people on issues, and I will point out something I feel is wrong, but when we slap labels on ourselves and on others, it is far too easy to demonize and vilify them. Meeting Jason was an important reminder to me of something that I’d managed to forget: there are real people behind the labels, and sometimes they are cool and interesting people who it would be a pleasure to know. To automatically exclude some people is to cut yourself off from what might be a very enjoyable experience and friendship. As my wonderful friend Lisa pointed out, if someone doesn’t like you because you’re a liberal (or a conservative), isn’t that pretty much the same thing as saying they don’t like you because you’re black? An excellent point.

When everyone is shouting, no one is listening. It might make me feel better to go off on a political rant and attack a politician I don’t like, but what purpose does that serve? Conservatives aren’t reading it, and if they do, they’re going to be turned off by my rhetoric and not pay attention to my point. If I rant about something, I’m just preaching to a liberal choir. I still remember those Palin fans attacking me on Twitter and basically calling me a pot-smoking whore who never did an honest day’s work in her life. How is that accomplishing anything? How did that bring me over to their side? It didn’t. It just made me think they were rabid dogs who enjoy calling people names. I’m not going to be that person. Not anymore. I refuse to participate in that sort of behavior. I refuse to even entertain the notion that I might not be able to be friends with someone because of their political leanings. That being said, neo-Nazis and KKK people can kiss my sweet ass. There are limits to my new style!

So that was my epiphany. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but this is kind of a game changer for me. I’m still rather amazed that it came about because of a Texan playing guitar in a Bourbon Street bar. That’s actually kind of cool, though, isn’t it? If you’re going to have an epiphany and change your ways, having it happen because of a Texan guitarist on Bourbon Street is a pretty damn cool way to do it. Hell yeah.

This is also a reminder to me that we can affect people in ways we might never imagine. Jason has no idea that I’ve been thinking all this stuff, but I hope to tell him about it. Words and actions can have an impact. Just a simple act of friendship made me completely rethink my behavior and my own words. How amazing is that? Doesn’t it make you wonder how you affect people that you encounter, even if it’s only a brief encounter? Maybe something as simple as a smile at someone when they’re having a bad day can make a difference in their life. This has made me resolve to always do my best to be a positive influence and a kind person, and to make people feel better for having met me. I know I won’t always succeed, but it is something to strive for.

I hope Jason and I will be friends going forward. Even if that doesn’t happen, I will always be grateful to him and will always remember him for helping me to realize this about myself, even if he has no idea what he did! Thank you, Jason. You’re a peach! *mwah* And I would be happy to call you my friend. I hope you will want to say the same about me.

You all can still expect me to have my opinions, but you might see a kinder, gentler Beth. Just don’t piss me off, okay? Then all bets are off. Ha!

Disneyland for adults

Well, we’re back, it’s chilly, and I’m missing New Orleans. Waaaaah, Ricky!

It’s okay. I’ll snap out of it soon enough. I felt like this after the Stones concert, and I was okay after just a day or so. It’s just that first morning after, you know? I started feeling sad when we were getting ready to leave the hotel, and I actually cried in the cab on the way to the airport. Something about driving out of the French Quarter just really gets to me.

This might be the best time I’ve ever had in New Orleans. I’ve always had a great time...it was great on our honeymoon, it was great with our friends Kim and Steve, it was great with Shane and Matt and George...but something about this time was even better for me. George came over from Houston to see us again, and it made me feel great to know that we have a friend who was willing to do that for us. But there was something more to it, and I’m not quite sure what it was.

The closest I can get to it is that I have a greater sense of my own mortality after turning 50, and I just want to enjoy every moment. New Orleans is an incredibly sensuous experience. The sight of the winding river or the sunlight coming through a tall window into an interior courtyard; the sound of a washboard vest or a smokin’ hot guitar lick or horses’ hooves clopping along a narrow street; the taste of a plump salty oyster or the burning sensation of a shot made with Everclear; the feel of the sunshine or the caress of a breeze on your skin or the sometimes cloying humidity; the smell of something good cooking somewhere, or the smell of you-probably-don’t-really-want-to-know-what. If you let yourself, you can become completely immersed in this city, and I’ve never felt it more than I felt it this time. I suppose you could not give into it, and just sit back and take it all in with a dispassionate air...but why the hell would you want to do that? I obviously haven’t been to every place on earth, but I think it’s a fair enough assumption that there is probably nowhere else on earth quite like New Orleans. I adore the place, and it got into my blood from my very first moment there. It’s still in my blood!

Since I last updated, we saw the Daywalkers a couple more times, and they were all just incredibly nice. I had the chance to chat some more with Jason (the guitarist), and watch this space for a little more concerning him and the band soon...I hope! It sounds like there may be a CD coming soon, too...I hope! All these damn bruises I picked up down there will vanish soon...I hope! (Seriously. It’s bad. I’ve got bruises everydamnwhere.) We got to see them on Sunday, our last night there, and it was even more fun because the Saints were in town and won, so everyone was in a great mood. I’m still sore from dancing, but I wouldn’t change one moment! Thanks, you guys...you rock! Jason, you’re a big sweetie, and thanks for not hating me because I’m a liberal...although you swear up and down that I’m not. Haha!

We also seem to have found the perfect time to go: Halloween week. The oppressive humidity is gone, but the temperatures are still very pleasant. (I still kind of like it in the summer, because I hate wearing lots of clothes, but you know...hurricanes.) The place is crazy, with lots of people in costume, and I was thrilled to get to see my first New Orleans parade, the Halloween Krewe of Boo parade. The floats were amazing! I even got to dance with a bunch of Marie Antoinettes, and as you can see, George got photographic evidence. (That’s the Daywalkers in the background, too!)

We also got to see Gypsy Elise, who we saw last time and just loved. That last time, we got to the restaurant kind of late, but they kept playing past the time they were supposed to stop because we were all loving it so much and appreciating it. They kept playing for five people! We still laugh about grooving to “Word Up.” We got to shake our tail feathers at another place this time, and there were plenty of other people doing the same thing. Great to see her again!

I got to meet lots of new people, and as I alluded to in the previous entry, that’s not always easy for me to do. I sometimes have a hard time talking to new people, but everyone in New Orleans is just so friendly, and so many people just want to have a good time, that I found it easy to strike up conversations and not feel as socially awkward as I often do. Maybe that’s another reason I love the place so much. I can be the kind of social person I’d like to be without stressing about it or working too hard at it. I don’t know. I’m probably over-analyzing that. But there’s no denying that when meeting Ken’s colleagues this time, I felt more relaxed and comfortable in that kind of situation than I ever have. I felt fine when chatting up Jason, and not shy at all. So many people don’t believe that I’m shy, but it’s true. I have to really work at it. It’s not quite as hard for me in New Orleans. There’s just something about the city that brings out The Happy in people. Of course, it sometimes brings out the Drunk Asshole in people, but that happens everywhere. I see it often enough at Notre Dame games!

Oh no...it just struck me. What if I wasn’t just bringing out The Happy, but I ventured into Drunk Asshole territory? What a horrifying thought! Well, people were hugging me and shit, so I couldn’t have been too much of a Drunk Asshole-type. Unless the people hugging me were Drunk Assholes. *GASP* No, wait...Jason hugged me, and he was neither drunk nor an asshole. Whew. I think I’m okay.

Ahhhh, thank you, NOLA. You are a gem, and I couldn’t love you more.

Lovin’ NOLA and new friends!

I’ve got a bit of time here before Ken gets back from his meetings, so I thought I’d get a quick entry in.

We’re having an absolute blast, and it’s not even the weekend yet! I joked on Facebook that my liver deserves hazardous duty pay for this week.

We got to the hotel Sunday evening, checked in with no problems, and while Ken went foraging for beer (liquor stores everywhere, so no problem), I checked the channel lineup and was delighted to discover that they get AMC! So I didn’t miss my Dead, and I won’t miss them this coming Sunday, either. Yay! We went out for a bite to eat, and after the Dead, we headed out to Bourbon Street. We finished watching the Colts game in a bar there, then just started walking around.

We saw a couple on the street, and I don’t recall how we started talking, but we found out they were originally from Indiana, a small town where our friend Sam is from. We kind of hit it off and went to Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop for drinks and talk. The guy and Ken exchanged cards, and they actually invited us out to their condo in Idaho to go skiing at Sun Valley. Very nice!

That ended up being kind of a late night, but we still got up at a decent time the next morning and got our workouts in. I’ve been doing really well with that and have done an hour on the bike every morning! Probably a good thing to sweat out the previous night’s toxins, you know! Ha! Then it was back to Bourbon for some food (a muffaletta at Napoleon House...we realized we’d never been to that place before) and music. One of the places we often go is called Krazy Korner, and that’s where we used to see Dwayne Dopsie and the Zydeco Hellraisers. As we got close, we could hear someone playing the washboard vest, and sure enough, it was Alex from the Hellraisers! Turns out that Alex is no longer with Dwayne and formed his own band called the Daywalkers.

I might even like this band more (although Dwayne can play the hell out of the accordion). They do some zydeco, but also blues and southern rock. We had a blast dancing, and were there until the band stopped playing at 7:30. (There is more to this story, too.) Then it was a place for Cajun music, and this band included a fiddle player! We had more fun there, and the band was chatting us up, asking where we were from, that sort of thing, as well as the nice couple sitting next to us.

The next day we went back to the Krazy Korner, where the Daywalkers were playing again. Jason recognized us right away, and we chatted a bit during one of their breaks. He told me, “Hey, I wanted to invite you and Ken out to hear me play tonight.” He explained where it was, that he was doing an acoustic set, and hoped we’d be there. How nice of him to invite us as well as remember our names! After they finished, we headed back to the hotel for a change of clothes, then on over to his other gig at Kerry’s Irish Pub. It was an open mic night, and he didn’t play the entire time, but that worked out okay because then he came over to chat me up while Ken played pool with some guy he met. Jason is just super nice, and seemed happy that we came out. He was onstage when we got there and said, “Beth and Ken!”

Then I got roped into playing pool with Ken and the guy and his girlfriend, who were also super nice. I kind of held my own, and we ended up winning. Miracles DO happen...I’m a sucky pool player!

There is still more to the Krazy Korner saga! The following day, Ken was golfing with some of his fellow conference goers, so after my workout, I headed on over to Bourbon all by my lonesome to see what kind of trouble I could get into...and you know where I went! Jason raised his eyebrows and grinned, and when they took a break, he came over and gave me a hug and we chatted a bit. He said, “Hey, I can rub on you all I want ‘cause your husband’s not here!” (No worries...he was just being nice and making a joke.) When Alex came around with the tip jar, he said, “Hey sweet baby, welcome back.” When they were getting ready to play again, I motioned Jason over to where I was sitting, and he said, “Hey Boo!” I’m telling you, people, if you show the band some love, they’ll give it right back to you. I asked if they were here the rest of the week, and he said no, they were off Thursday, thank God, but they were at another bar on Bourbon on Friday...so you know where I’ll be!

Since this was the middle of the afternoon, the crowd was somewhat spotty. There would be quite a few people in there, then it would clear out. At one point, I was the only one in there, and I looked around and raised my hands in a “what the hell?” gesture. Jason just shrugged, like “Yeah, it happens sometimes.” So when the song ended, I applauded and gave a “Woooo!” They laughed and the keyboard player said, “Yell louder!” Jason said, “That’s Beth. She’s the only one we need.” Awww!

Anyway, it’s been fun to make friends with people, and Jason has been especially sweet. I look forward to hearing him play again tomorrow! I won’t have to go by myself this time, because our friend George will be with me. He gets in tonight!

Oh, I had to leave before the band was done, because we had a dinner we had to go to for Ken’s conference. When they took a break, I went out to say goodbye, and Jason said, “Where you goin’?” I said, “Ahh, we got a stupid dinner we have to go to.” He said, “Oh, tell Ken to blow it off.” Haha! I said I couldn’t, but I’d see them again on Friday. He seemed okay with that. :) I said, “I just love you guys. You’re a blast and you make me smile.” I don’t recall if it was Jason or Alex who said, “Well, that’s what we’re here for.” See? Show ‘em some love! I am obviously enthusiastic about the music, and I think any musician appreciates that.

The dinner turned out to be quite a bit of fun, and there were some really nice people there that I was meeting for the first time. Usually I’m a somewhat shy person when around people I don’t know, but there’s just something about this city that brings out my social butterfly. Or maybe it’s the good side of the Inner Lizard...I don’t know. But I had no problem talking with people last night. I think this city just has so much fun energy that it rubs off on you. Social situations sometimes exhaust me, but New Orleans gives me so much energy that I don’t feel the usual exhaustion.

So let’s see what kind of trouble I can get into the rest of the time here…!