Legacies

Wow, what a gorgeous day! This morning, I watched a couple of deer frolicking and foraging in the back yard, along with some squirrels chasing each other. Birds were everywhere, I could hear the turkeys, and later on, I saw two rabbits chasing each other and a raccoon right outside the basement window chowing down on something. I commented on Facebook that our back yard looked like Disney! After running some errands, I did my workout and then spent some time out on the deck reading and soaking up some sun. It’s supposed to cool off again, but today was about as perfect as it gets. I hope your day was as pleasant (and for any Dallas-area readers, I hope you and yours are safe)!

Later this afternoon, I was reading some old entries and old correspondence, and it made me think about some things. In general, what we leave behind when we’re gone, and specifically, what I got and what lessons I learned from my parents.

From my Dad, I’d say that I got a love for books, travel, and a general curiosity about the world. From Mom, I got a sense of compassion for others, as well as a somewhat rather very strong streak of stubbornness. The latter is a double-edged sword: it can make me determined to do something, or it can make me dig in my heels about something even when I know I shouldn’t.

Both parents gave me a love for nature, an appreciation of history and our roots, and a sense of fairness and justice. I still can’t stand to see someone bullied, and I will step in if I see it happening. That means that I also have a strong aversion to being bullied myself, and attempts at intimidation and manipulation are more than unwelcome...it makes me distrust and dislike such a person when they behave that way. I’d say I have what amounts to zero tolerance for such behavior.

So it makes me feel sad when I see that sort of legacy being passed on to others. I feel like I got so many good things from my parents, and it’s a shame when people pass long bad traits, including their own biases, neuroses, and manipulative behavior.

There are ways other than popping out a kid to leave a legacy. In every job that I’ve had, I left on good terms with the majority of people; I still have friends from high school and college; I’ve had people tell me that I inspired them in one way or another; and I taught many students and new employees in the lab over the years—technologists who have gone on to provide a valuable service to patients. I am far from a perfect person, and undoubtedly I have disappointed some...but I don’t believe I’ve influenced any other person to be angry or hateful in reflection of my own image. Because that is just not me.

That’s a legacy I’ll be happy to leave.

Deception Perception

I find it interesting to see the different interpretations of various events.

Whether it's the shooting in Tucson, which political party truly cares about the country, whether or not the health care law will help or harm our country, eyewitness accounts of crimes and criminals, or just personal issues, we all have an opinion, and we all have a perception that is influenced by our own biases and prejudices, as well as those of who surround us.

I suppose it's all a fascinating psychological study for anyone who wants to explore it, but that's not my field. I enjoy reading articles about cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and downright delusion, but I'm not qualified to give an authoritative take on it. Just my opinion.

I'm always willing to cut certain people some slack. I know that much depends upon the atmosphere in which you were raised, and I know that parents can be an affirmative or a destructive influence on their kids. I know that it's hard to break away from seeing things a certain way and to question belief systems that are deep and pervasive. I know that kids can be easily manipulated, especially when in an atmosphere of emotional turmoil and blackmail. I also know that as we get older, it's harder to question authority and to question truths that we have been conditioned to believe.

It's much harder for me to forgive young adults or middle-aged people who still have the ability to question and question HARD. Those who shouldn't be so set in their ways that they have become incapable of seeing other points of view, or having any sort of reasonable discussion about issues. Those who are either so blinded by their own hatred or so mentally weak and malleable that they can be easily manipulated by others. It's not unusual to see these types resort to puerile insults and name-calling.

No matter that events are twisted to justify their own misconceptions; no matter that their own actions are ignored or minimized; no matter that despite years of insults and anger, others are still expected to not only jump when demanded to, they are expected to ask, "How high? How much?"

Welcome to Reality™. Words and behaviors have consequences, and treating people badly, with rancor and disdain, will not make them do what you want them to do. Spin it whichever way you want, but such behavior will come back to bite you. You'd think some people would have figured that out by now. Apparently not. Don't come crying to me because you screw yourself over time after time, don't give me a sob story about how everyone hates you and everyone else is horrible, and quit bitching because you backed yourself into a corner that you can't get out of. Your bad behavior and ongoing bitterness are your own problems. Your poor negotiation skills are the result of years of misdirection and mistreatment, and an inability to let go of a grudge.

It's fascinating from a psychological viewpoint. But it's also kind of pathetic. And frankly, quite boring.

A coda with a curse

BWAHAHAHA! Happy Halloween, you little maniacs!

I'm not all into Halloween, although I always love scary movies. Being out in the boondocks, there are never any trick-or-treaters here, so it's pretty much just another night. However, I'm looking forward to watching the premiere of AMC's "The Walking Dead," which looks like a dandy series about the zombie apocalypse. Actually, by the time I post this, I will have watched it, so I can give a quickie review.

I've been more occupied lately with the upcoming election. Despite my intense interest in politics, I have to admit that even I have battle fatigue. The ads are constant, and the amount of postal flyers is staggering. Thank science for caller ID, because the calls are also coming fast and furious. I read somewhere that I believe it is $4 billion dollars that has been poured into this campaign, from both sides. That's obscene. All I could think of is how much good $4 billion dollars could do for people around the world, and people right here, who are hurting and even dying. I would love to see true campaign reform in which election time is quartered, and funds are limited to a certain amount. While I enjoy the run-up to the election, it gets pretty old by the time the actual day rolls around--even for me! In fact, I watched the second debate between Donnelly, Walorski, and Vogel and took notes in anticipation of writing about it a little bit here. I don't even feel like it. My mind is more than made up, and I don't feel like rehashing the same old stuff. Walorski is a dick. I don't usually call women that, but...it works here!

I have really enjoyed the lively debates on Facebook, though. Most of my friends there are of like mind, but every so often, you get a friend of a friend who does not agree and is ready to rumble. It's really entertaining. I'm always dismayed to see people who are so turned off by politics that they refuse to vote. "I hate the negative ads, so I'm not voting for anyone who uses them." "They're all crooks, so I'm not voting for anyone." Personally, I think it's a cop-out, and an excuse to not do your homework and learn more about your choices. I'm constantly amazed by people who think that somewhere, somehow, some way, they will find a candidate that agrees 100% with them. That they will find this prince or princess among humankind, the person that is a perfect reflection of their own political views. That person does not exist. It is up to us to find a candidate that we support because we agree with most of their views and most of their plans of what they want to do when in office.

I remember being amused some time ago when someone sent me a story about how President Obama is against gay marriage. They were like, "Have you seen this?! What do you think of this?" like I was going to withdraw my support because of this one issue. I said that it might surprise you to know that I don't agree with everything he does. However, I think he is the best person for the job right now. I also wish he did have more plans for stricter gun control laws, although that is not even a glimmer in his eye on his agenda, despite the hysteria you hear from some folks who seem to believe that Obama is going to personally come to their house and wrest the guns from their grasp. Not happening, folks.

Anyway, there are several things that Congressman Donnelly espouses that I don't agree with. He's a blue dog Democrat, for pete's sake, and I wish he were much more liberal. However, he's done a lot of good around here, especially with trying to bring jobs and stimulus money to his district, and his work on behalf of veterans. He is very visible, spends a lot of time in the district talking with people, and is amazingly accessible--always responding whenever I've sent a letter to him. He's a decent guy, and I think he proves the maxim "They're all crooks" wrong.

I honestly don't understand how anyone could give up one of our greatest freedoms and greatest privileges as U.S. citizens: the ability to vote for those who will represent us in our legislative branch of government. People fight and die for this privilege, and our ancestors did so when trying to establish our independence. I take it as a grave and amazing responsibility, and I don't mind telling you that I usually get a little choked up when I go vote. That is one of the reasons I take umbrage at those people who like to say that because I have certain political stances that I am not a patriot, or even that I hate America. You know what? Fuck you and the tired old nag you rode in on.

So please be involved, be informed, and no matter which way you go, right or left, please vote. It's important, and it's an honor.

Okay, the premiere of "The Walking Dead" is over. YES! I loved it! It's a gorefest, so if you don't care for that, don't bother watching. Graphic zombie killshots. I know I'll be watching again next week. I was really impressed, but I shouldn't be too surprised with a fine director like Frank Darabont. (You might have heard of a couple of his movies. "The Green Mile," and what was that one about the guy in prison...oh yeah, "The Shawshank Redemption." haha) Wow. I was glued to the TV, and usually I'm up and about doing other things. Not with this one!

It's kind of a typical story, in which a guy is hospitalized, in and out of consciousness due to a gunshot wound, and wakes up to find that everything changed while he was out. After a pretty quick learning curve, he gets an idea of what he's going to have to do to survive. And he must survive, because his wife and son are missing, and he has no idea if they are alive or dead...or undead. What always works in apocalypse tales is the relationships that are forged, often reluctantly. There is always a jerk that you just know is going to screw things up for everyone, and that you really kind of want to get eaten. There are people trying to find others, trying to either form a new society or just to get help in trying to survive. It's not a new story, but this one already promises some interesting relationships.

One thing that I always get a kick out of with apocalypse movies or shows like this: someone always wants to go to the city where there are said to be "people in charge" who are "working on a cure." It's often the CDC, but sometimes it's a fictional facility, like the one in Stovington, Vermont that Harold Lauder is so anxious to get to in The Stand. The sense of despair is palpable when they find that no one is in control.

By the way, the zombies in "The Walking Dead" are the worst kind...they're fast. It seems like when there are only a couple, they just sort of shuffle along slowly, but get them in a group and they seem to speed up. Yikes! The last thing you want when confronted by a zombie mob is a sense of competition amongst them!

Two undead thumbs up!

Here is my coda, and I will probably curse in it, thus my title. (Kudos to anyone who knows the origin of the phrase!)

Don't you just love it when someone who has treated you shabbily for some time, or has had little to no contact with you, suddenly gets a hold of you and asks for money? They seem to think they can say whatever they want about you, do whatever they want to purposefully hurt you, and then for some bizarre reason, they think you'll happily fork over some dough when they demand it. It's laughable, it really is. What's even funnier is when the person is the type who hates government entitlements, despises those who "demand handouts," and ridicules anyone who they think is unwilling to work for the money they get. I guess handouts are okay when you're the one asking for them! Everyone else is a bunch of goddamn slackers!

There seems to be a serious disconnect from reality in these people, or a complete lack of comprehension of cause and effect. You don't get to call someone names and say shitty things about them for years, then turn around and play nice when you want money. You know what I call someone like that? A manipulative, money-grubbing jerk, and someone who obviously has no idea of how to deal with people in a reasonable way. I suppose sometimes they can't help themselves; they just don't have the ability to understand that their actions have consequences, and they're so wrapped up in their own little world of deception and bitterness (Malice in Wonderland) that they can't control their own behavior. That doesn't make it any better, it doesn't make me sympathetic, and it certainly doesn't make me any less resistant to such manipulation.

We all make choices in our lives. If your choice was to purposefully treat others shabbily, time and time again, it's going to come back to bite you on the ass. Guaranteed. Go lie in that bed you've made.

Gettin’ my Irish up

No, I'm not angry, and I'm not even Irish. But it's the Notre Dame home opener against Nevada this weekend, and that makes everyone honorary Irish! Hey, it's Touchdown Jesus! Everybody wave to Touchdown Jesus!

We've got tickets to the game, and we'll be going with my Dad and Cousin Shane. It's Shane's first ND football game, so I'm excited for him! We'll meet him there, because he has to work until 1 pm, but we'll be tailgating with my Dad in the meantime. It's fun to just go and have lunch there, sit out in lawn chairs, just shoot the breeze. I got us all some sandwiches today, so we should have a nice little pickanick! Oh, and someone gave Shane's friend Doug (a fellow blogger) a couple of tickets--how cool is that?--so he'll be going, and I'll get to meet him. AND my friend Jimi from the lab is going with his Mom and his two boys, so maybe I'll run into him, too. There will only be a little over 80,000 people there inside the stadium, so I don't know why we wouldn't run into each other! Actually, we know what sections we're each sitting in, so we might actually find each other.

Anyhoo, I'm really psyched and excited for the game! As much as I hate to see summer end, it also means football season, and that is a good thing for Nutwoodians! When I was out at the store today, wow, things were hopping. Home football games are a very big deal, bringing in $6 million per weekend to the city in hotel, restaurant, and bar revenues. Then there is everyone buying food and beverage supplies for tailgating or watching the game at home. This is a big weekend in general, because there is a big motorcycle ride for Muscular Dystrophy on Sunday (that's when we're having our cookout), and all weekend long, the Blueberry Festival is going on nearby in Plymouth. We're quite the toddlin' town this weekend!

I'll be taking both my camera and my Flip to the game, so I hope to get some good shots for you. Go Irish!

~~~~~

I had a few comments wanting the recipe for the pork tenderloin I made yesterday. It turned out quite tasty, but I let it go maybe an hour too long, so it was just heading over to the dry side. Stick to the 8 hours on low, because 9 was a little too long!

Plop your tenderloin into your crockpot. Salt and pepper.

Whisk together ½ cup balsamic vinegar, 3 Tbsp honey, and 1 Tbsp Dijon mustard. Pour over tenderloin and cook on low for 8 hours, or high for 4 hours.

That's it! It was so easy, and I love the flavor of balsamic vinegar. If you don't care for it, you might not like this, because there's a distinct balsamic tang to this. I will definitely make it again.

~~~~~

I was sitting out on the deck today, enjoying these last gorgeous days of summer, and doing a little pondering. It was a good wildlife day, too, so I was feeling relaxed, happy, and meditative as I watched some of the birds and critters. Writing about my "previous life" yesterday reminded me of the difference between then and now. I feel contented and at peace, after walking on eggshells for too many years. Have you encountered people who you quickly realize you need to be wary of? Any misstep in the minefield of their persona, and you know you'll be scrambling to make amends and appease them. You learn to censor yourself, because you know there are certain things that will set them off. I've experienced people like that both in my career and in my personal life, and for a couple of brief, spectacularly bad years, I had both going on at once. I hated going to work because of such an individual there, and I dreaded going home because I never knew what I was going to find when I got there. I had no sanctuary.

I believe these sort of people practice a sort of psychotic, emotional blackmail, a threat of craziness if they don't get their way or if they don't like what you say. I think they like it when word gets around: "Jeez, don't mess with her...she gets crazy if you cross her!" Most people seem to learn early on that the most effective way to persuade others is to be knowledgeable about the subject; the best way to interact with others is to treat them with respect, kindness, and consistency. However, some prefer to remain mired in the "if you can't win 'em over with your smarts, scare 'em with your craziness" phase, and attempt to intimidate others with the threat of irrational behavior. It certainly can be effective for a while, in a very manipulative sort of way, but it doesn't work for the long term. People always figure it out, especially when they start comparing notes. I know I certainly resent people trying to manipulate me, and I think most others also resent being treated that way; the tactic eventually loses its effectiveness when people realize what is going on and decide that they will not allow themselves to be manipulated in such a way.

Once you see it, it becomes pretty laughable. Once you get out of it, or don't feel compelled to subject yourself to it any longer, it's quite liberating. It's nice to not worry about hearing the sound of crunching eggshells.

Don’t even go there!

I don't know if you remember my recent family drama, in which someone told someone else something my Mom had said, blah blah blah. It's not even worth linking to that entry, because it's ultimately unimportant, and seems to have blown over.

However, I talked to my folks today (Mom has a nasty cold--please send her good thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!) to wish them a happy Easter and just get caught up, and it seems that the "someone" in question is still trying to stir things up a bit. When I had talked to Mom last week, she said that no one was really planning anything for Easter. They have church stuff going on all day on Sunday, and they have a memorial service to go to on Saturday. She said it's probably for the best, since a couple of extended family members have some health issues, and I said that was cool with me, because Ken has to work both days, anyway. It was really no big deal--we don't feel we have to do an Easter thing, and we'll all get together before too long, when things seem to settle down for everyone. Everything was cool.

Well, when Mom was talking to this someone the other day, it was mentioned that we weren't doing anything for Easter, we'd wait to get together when things settled down, and Mom said, "Besides, Beth Anne and Ken can't come anyway." (Although if we'd had a get-together, I would have gone without Ken and brought him a plate home.) This someone said to my Mom, "Are you telling me that you aren't planning something because Beth and Ken can't come?!" Not exactly angry or mean, but just sort of getting after Mom because the someone thought that Mom and Dad weren't planning something just because we couldn't attend.

I told Mom today, no no no. It was kind of a combination of several things, and Ken not being able to come was just an extra thing. We both referenced our previous conversation, and agreed that it was just sort of how everything worked out, and it wasn't just because of me and Ken.

I've said before that I'm very protective of my Mom and Dad. They're adults, and can take care of themselves, obviously, but if I think someone is being hurtful to them, I won't hesitate to say, "It's go-time, Skippy!" That won't be necessary here, because it's not a big deal, and no one is going to try to make it a big deal. However, as protective as I am of my folks, I guarantee that they are ten times more protective of their three girls. What this person probably doesn't realize is that they have crossed a line. Today my Mom told me, "So-and-so [AKA Someone] is working people, don't think I don't know it." When I asked what she meant, she said, "Trying to get whatever they can out of people. Your Dad and I are done."

I have thought in the past that this person was being a tad too ingratiating with my folks, but it was never bad enough for me to say anything. My folks are smart cookies, though, and I believe they have seen that now for themselves. I don't doubt that this person loves them and values them, but something always seemed a little "off" to me in their dealings with my folks, and things that they said to them just seemed a little too close to toadying. I couldn't put my finger on anything if I had to, but I sensed it, and it seems that my folks have now, too. In trying to stir up a little trouble between my folks and the family member in the last "drama" and now saying something a little against me--no matter how slight--they have gone a step too far with Mom and Dad.

Manipulative behavior is never attractive. Beyond our own little family saga I've written about here, I've seen it in others, and I always find it a somewhat pathetic. It's as if the person doesn't know how to get what they want through work, or education, or effort, so they resort to using manipulation of others in order to get what they want. We all use our natural talents to deal with people, and learn how to charm and disarm. If our actions garner a positive response, that reinforces our good behavior and we also learn what doesn't work. (That's the plan, anyway. Some never learn that certain behaviors don't work, and can even turn people off. Those are the people who, when they leave, usually result in you asking the person next to you, "Jeez, what's their problem?") Manipulation is different, though. It can involve looks, money, power, threats and ultimatums, or influence, but it almost always involves exaggerations and falsehoods. A person who is on the ball will recognize it and not fall for it.

The lesson to be learned here is: Don't suck up. It's always obvious. And don't try to stir up family drama, because it will only hurt you in the end.

A tangled web

I was emailing today with a friend who has found someone who makes them very happy. It made me very happy, too, and one of the things they wrote really struck me. It was about how their someone doesn't play games and doesn't lie.

I wrote back that one of the things that always royally pissed me off when I was single was when someone distrusted me or didn't believe that what I was saying was true, because of past experiences with women. I realize that people get burned in relationships, and almost everyone has encountered that evil partner who thinks that the only way to live life is by lying, cheating, and stealing. Their modus operandi is manipulation, and they will do whatever they need to do to get their way.

I have no patience for drama queens, of either gender, and manipulators. They give everyone a bad name, and it was always extremely frustrating to have my motives questioned. This happens in other arenas besides romantic relationships--years ago, I heard that some of my coworkers thought that I had some sort of plan, or hidden agenda. I actually laughed when I heard that, because believe me, I'm no Dr. Evil. I don't sit up at night and plot the next step in my great scheme to take over the world. Who wants to rule the world, anyway? The benefits are lousy, and the hours are worse. And the health care plan sucks.

It's not uncommon for manipulators to get their way...at least for a while. But it's been my experience that deception really is a very tangled web, and the deeper you get, the harder it is to find your way out. Such behavior almost always comes back to bite you on the ass, and with each untruth there will eventually be a consequence. We may not be able to control the manipulator, but we can certainly control our response to them. Don't be drawn into their crazy little universe, where carrots are dangled and sticks are brandished. That is not the way of rational human beings, and if someone is treating you in such a manner, I advise you to run the other way and leave them to their idle threats and their misery.