The Death of a Soap Opera

Welcome to...The Guiding Light (Nutwood Style)

The scene: the suburban home, an elegant ranch with a manicured lawn, of Dwight and Evelyn Hooper. The doorbell rings; Evelyn answers the door. Martha Hampstead, who lives down the street with her husband Scott, waits on the step with a smile and a covered dish, tapping her foot.

Evelyn: Oh. Martha. Hello. What can I do for you?

Martha: Evelyn! You look wonderful! I just wanted to bring this by as a peace offering.

Evelyn: I have nothing to say to you.

Martha: But it's my famous Cuy, Eggplant, and Cabbage casserole! You've always loved it so. Take it. Please. I'll just put it in the kitchen.

[Martha brushes by Evelyn and heads to the kitchen, setting the dish down on the counter. Evelyn reluctantly follows.]

Martha: You know, I don't think I ever told you how much I love your new kitchen decor. The avocado green appliances are just so lovely, and the harvest gold curtains really add to the effect. You have such a flair for decorating!

Evelyn: Is there a point to your visit, Martha? Other than merely to annoy me?

Martha [laughing gaily]: Oh, Evelyn, you are such a scream! I'm just trying to be a good neighbor and make amends. We've been friends ever since you moved into the neighborhood three years ago. Please don't be angry with me.

Evelyn [with a hard stare]: You slept with Dwight, Martha.

[dramatic music]

Martha: I know, I know. And I've said I'm sorry! How many times must I apologize? It was your Fourth of July party, everyone had a few too many cocktails, and it just happened! It was only that one time, I swear!

Evelyn: You did it on our bed, Martha.

Martha: Yes, yes...but I paid for the dry cleaning of your bedspread, didn't I? By the way, I love that chenille bedspread. It was very soft.

Evelyn: You gave Dwight gonorrhea, Martha. And he gave it to me! How do you think that made me feel?

Martha: Itchy?

Evelyn: I despise you, Martha. Get out of my house.

Martha [her eyes narrow]: No. I won't. There's something I have to tell you. I'm...I'm pregnant...and Dwight is the father.

[dramatic music, cut to commercial]

Welcome back...to the Guiding Light (Nutwood Style)

Evelyn [strides over to Martha, slaps her across the face]: That's a lie! It has to be!

Martha [shocked, she holds her cheek]: No. It's not. Scott and I don't have children for a reason. He was wounded in the war...he's still able to...perform...but he can't have children. I haven't been with anyone else other than Scott and Dwight. It's Dwight’s child.

Evelyn: If you haven't been with anyone else, how did you manage to give Dwight--and me--gonorrhea?

Martha: That wasn't my fault. It was Scott. Remember that business trip he took a few months ago? When he went to Las Vegas? Well, what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas.

Evelyn: You both disgust me.

Martha: Oh, don't get all high and mighty with me, missy. I've seen you with your golf pro at the country club. I think Jeffrey might be giving you more than golf lessons. So tell me...is it true what they say? He has a nine iron and knows how to use it? [smirks]

Evelyn: I don't appreciate your crudity. We're just friends. That's all.

Martha [smiling sweetly]: Of course, you are, dear. Anyway, I do have some other news for you.

Evelyn: I'm quite sure I don't care.

Martha: You will. This affects you every bit as much as the baby does. And it's happening sooner. We've been canceled.

Evelyn: Whatever do you mean?

Martha: This. Our lives here in Springfield, our daily drama, our histrionics, affairs, illegitimate pregnancies, our long lost siblings, and our evil twins. Kaput.

Evelyn: This can't be true.

Martha: It is.

Director [via bullhorn]: Yeah, it's true. Today's taping is the last one. Be sure to clean out your locker before you leave.

Evelyn: Well, crap. Can anyone give me a ride to the unemployment office?

[dramatic music]

While I haven't been a soap opera watcher for a couple of decades ("All My Children" was my poison back in the day), I have to say I was shocked to see that "Guiding Light" was being canceled. It's the longest running drama in the history of radio and TV, 72 years of broadcast. So although I'm not a watcher, I say R.I.P., Guiding Light.

By the way, back in junior high and high school, my friend friend Margaret and I would actually make up soap opera-style scenarios and act them out, with extra drama. So I guess I do have a flair for the dramatic once in a while!